Venting i hate wanting to live

[interna]

no matter how badly i want to kill myself, i find myself wanting to keep going. the bad days won't stop and yet deep in my heart there's an annoying hope for recovery or connection or maybe just life that i wish didn't exist. it would be so easy to stop living if only i could man up and lose the foolish notion that things will get better. if i could cut off all my friends. if i didn't get excited when there's a cool event. if i could get rid of the burden that is hope, i could stop suffering.
it's not like im incredibly hopeful either, because i know i won't do anything about mt situation, and ill continue to get worse. but if i could commit to ctb, then maybe id see it's the better way out.
i hate that i want to live, because i know there's nothing for me here. it's like my inner child, stupid, is still trying to get me to stay alive. and i am annoyed.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

The feeling of the inner child wanting to stay while the mind is plagued by overwhelming thoughts of wanting to end it all isn't easy to deal with. Some small part, an inner voice at the back of the head, keeps trying to pull you back from the verge. You struggle against it, but it's there anyways, and find yourself lost on what to do.

Stuck in an endless argument between the unpredictability of the future and the knowledge of the past, trying to surround oneself with people that might be able to help, things to momentarily distract the mind from whatever troubles it, but it always returns. The feeling of emptiness, of loneliness, of the thought that the end to all of life's problems is just taking a step over the ledge and letting chance take hold.

Maybe you find yourself feeling better, maybe you feel worse, but it's only the voices swapping places between who's the one creeping around in the background and who's speaking at the front. I think all we can really do is observe the battle between the two sides, watching them fight as each one strives to let it's will take hold. At times, one side will win out, and the conflict will continue as long as we live our lives. Such is the dilemma we face.