Venting I hate the idea of living, but I hate the idea of suicide even more.

[Die2night]

For context, I'm AMAB, and I live in a country where it's enforced that "men cannot be sensitive". My existence contradicts that. I don't know if it's because I am mentally ill (I honestly don't remember anything from more than 2 weeks ago, either thats brain damage from drugs or my subconscious found a way to cope) or because that's just how I was born. I hate it. I know they don't mean anything bad, at most it's an insult thrown at me as a joke, something obviously a joke, but I cannot register it as that.

(Oh btw sorry that this doesn't have any coherence, I'm trying to understand the feelings I have, and obviously it's not working that good)

I don't even know how to explain this. Every moment I experience is just pure torment, I hate waking up, doing my routine, going to sleep and waking up again.

At the same time, I keep hoping for a better tommorow. I keep hoping that something will change, knowing it can, but it won't. I hate the people around me, but that's because of myself. So many people consider me a friend, but I hate every one of them. I hate the fact that I cannot register anyone as a friend. It's exhausting not having anyone to talk to without feeling like an asshole because I just subconsciously hate them.

I'm ashamed at myself for thinking about people that care about me this way. I feel toxic. I've managed to hide these feelings while with them but it's starting to show more and more.

It also doesn't help that I'm constantly reminded of close to every flaw I have, both personality wise and looks wise. For this I don't fully know if it's them being asshole or just me interpreting their words wrong. I don't fucking know what to think anymore

Obviously right now I can think clearly and understand what is right and what's wrong, but this rarely happens (at most happening once a week). And when I can finally feel just a little better I start thinking that I'm just faking, that it's all a lie. I'm so fucking tired

I want to just end it, but I know it's, for the lack of anything better, a me problem. Nothing is the way I interpret it to be, it's like there's ME who's in control of my body and my conscious then someone else in control of everything else, who sometimes overpowers me. I don't feel real

Once again, sorry if this doesn't have any coherence, it's just that it's a lot of shit piled up and I haven't had anyone to talk to. Ty if you read this far

 

[socksnsandles]

many relate. i went on 5 years in that limbo but recently ive come around to suicide and its become the thought of living 30,40+ years that i hate the most.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Let me guess, eastern europe? prolly not but it does sound familiar to the first part of my life.

There is nothing wrong with you being sensitive, you are a person, not a man, a PERSON first and foremost. These people don't see you as a person, they see you as a man(and that comes with their own biases of what that means), that's a them problem, not a you problem as you have said.

 

[Die2night]

Let me guess, eastern europe? prolly not but it does sound familiar to the first part of my life.

There is nothing wrong with you being sensitive, you are a person, not a man, a PERSON first and foremost. These people don't see you as a person, they see you as a man(and that comes with their own biases of what that means), that's a them problem, not a you problem as you have said.

Yep, Eastern Europe. Amazed how you guessed that
I don't know how to reply to what you said but it made me feel a bit better, ty <3

many relate. i went on 5 years in that limbo but recently ive come around to suicide and its become the thought of living 30,40+ years that i hate the most.

I've accepted long ago I probably won't reach the age of 30. I'm either gonna die from some overdose or some freak accident because I'm an adrenaline junkie

I honestly think the same too. I'm already having trouble with the few responsibilities I have, ion think I could manage any more

 

[itsgone2]

many relate. i went on 5 years in that limbo but recently ive come around to suicide and its become the thought of living 30,40+ years that i hate the most.

Yeah that is scary. I have zero interest in that. Zero. Last time I talked to my therapist she was trying to build me up a bit and said I've still got twenty years of work left in me. Like, wtf. I'm early 50s and want to die anyway, way to push me over the edge. Stick around for that long just to wage slave for some greedy assholes? She's nice but also helped push me closer to the edge.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Yep, Eastern Europe. Amazed how you guessed that

I can recognize the handywork of eastern europe. The countries are a bit hard to guess. but meh, they are all the same shitholes to me anyways.