Firstly, since this is my first thread I do apologize if this is technically the wrong place to post it. Secondly I apologize in advance if my rant isn't structured well enough.
I hate that the world, or rather the people in it people are painted in shades of gray regarding their morality. Would I even be here if it wasn't so? Maybe so, but also maybe not. If I could hate the people responsible for some of my pain, if I could hate them for being uniquely evil I might be in a better place mentally. But alas I can't. In a lot of cases I can't even pretend I would've been a better person since I've committed some of the same sins, for the same reasons they did.
So what am I actually talking about; well my parents treatment of me for one, whether it be my mother's temper and personality, my father's abandoning of me or all the experiences I had with bullying thru 1st to 9th grade. Now then how does this relate to the moral grayness of people, well neither my parents nor most of my bullies were uniquely evil. Hell most of them weren't even bad people, they weren't good people either. Instead like most of humanity, they fell somewhere in between. This makes them incredibly hard to hate, at least for me. Can I condemn my mother for failing to control her temper after a 12 hour workday, no. Because I probably couldn't either. Can I condemn my father for his upbringing which caused him to only know how to flirt with women under the influence, no. Can I condemn my bullies for their bullying knowing a lot of them were dealing with personal issues, whether those were a rough home life or drug addiction, no I can't. Which is why squaring the circle of why I suffered is incredibly hard, or rather impossible. My suffering isn't unique, a result of some great evil or even meaningful. it's just the result of human imperfections and in part systemic failures.
So what's my point here? Well there isn't some grand revelation here, neither is there a definitive answer. Instead I'm left with a what if question I can't answer; would I be happier, a more functional person if I could harbor a personal hatred for the people responsible for all the suffering I endured. The answer is maybe, I mean I've definitely coped better with the suffering I endured from people who were evil, for a lack of a better word. Or maybe I'd be posting an inverse of this, complaining about the world being too black and white, the grass is always greener on the other side after all.
Well if nothing else writing this has organized my thoughts some, though once again I must apologize if none of what I wrote makes sense or is overall too rambly...
I hate that the world, or rather the people in it people are painted in shades of gray regarding their morality. Would I even be here if it wasn't so? Maybe so, but also maybe not. If I could hate the people responsible for some of my pain, if I could hate them for being uniquely evil I might be in a better place mentally. But alas I can't. In a lot of cases I can't even pretend I would've been a better person since I've committed some of the same sins, for the same reasons they did.
So what am I actually talking about; well my parents treatment of me for one, whether it be my mother's temper and personality, my father's abandoning of me or all the experiences I had with bullying thru 1st to 9th grade. Now then how does this relate to the moral grayness of people, well neither my parents nor most of my bullies were uniquely evil. Hell most of them weren't even bad people, they weren't good people either. Instead like most of humanity, they fell somewhere in between. This makes them incredibly hard to hate, at least for me. Can I condemn my mother for failing to control her temper after a 12 hour workday, no. Because I probably couldn't either. Can I condemn my father for his upbringing which caused him to only know how to flirt with women under the influence, no. Can I condemn my bullies for their bullying knowing a lot of them were dealing with personal issues, whether those were a rough home life or drug addiction, no I can't. Which is why squaring the circle of why I suffered is incredibly hard, or rather impossible. My suffering isn't unique, a result of some great evil or even meaningful. it's just the result of human imperfections and in part systemic failures.
So what's my point here? Well there isn't some grand revelation here, neither is there a definitive answer. Instead I'm left with a what if question I can't answer; would I be happier, a more functional person if I could harbor a personal hatred for the people responsible for all the suffering I endured. The answer is maybe, I mean I've definitely coped better with the suffering I endured from people who were evil, for a lack of a better word. Or maybe I'd be posting an inverse of this, complaining about the world being too black and white, the grass is always greener on the other side after all.
Well if nothing else writing this has organized my thoughts some, though once again I must apologize if none of what I wrote makes sense or is overall too rambly...
