i hate other peoples surface level problems

[starrvingstar]

i hate listening to normal people struggle with things that could so easily be fixed if they thought about it a different way or complain about how stupid things that mean nothing make them upset when it has no fucking meaning at all theyll never understand what it like to struggle and want to be dead i dont wish that on them but i wish that they would handle their shit properly and not feel sad about dumb stuff that doesnt matter

 

[Memento]

I understand that; I wish the people around me would realize the serious mental shit I deal with, but no—I should worry about you and your little problem you can fix yourself.

 

[Disaster]

Saying "I am not in a right place to empathize with that, you may prefer to talk about it with someone else because I can't and won't handle this topic properly" is a respectful, non-violent way of handling that. It's perfectly valid to respond like that.

 

[starrvingstar]

Saying "I am not in a right place to empathize with that, you may prefer to talk about it with someone else because I can't and won't handle this topic properly" is a respectful, non-violent way of handling that. It's perfectly valid to respond like that.

thank you, i usually explain that its hard for me to relate therefore hard for me to help if its someone close to me i dont want to shut them down.

honestly i cant comfort people who are in the state i might have been when i was twelve and have to recycle things my therapists have told me/what people online tell me for comfort.

 

[Disaster]

I wouldn't like to be comforted by someone who just pretends to care, but actually disrespects me and thinks that my problems are "surface level". It makes me feel physically sick to think that someone may just fake to care, but in reality be judgmental. Even if they are judgmental because of their own problems.
Of course consent is a goddamn thing, and it would be cute if people gave a shit about it, thank you very much. That includes people who share stuff with you you didn't want to know.

 

[starrvingstar]

I wouldn't like to be comforted by someone who just pretends to care, but actually disrespects me and thinks that my problems are "surface level". It makes me feel physically sick to think that someone may just fake to care, but in reality be judgmental. Even if they are judgmental because of their own problems.
Of course consent is a goddamn thing, and it would be cute if people gave a shit about it, thank you very much. That includes people who share stuff with you you didn't want to know.

i dont like to leave people feeling bad either, its not all completely fake and they dont know that it is, maybe i am a bad person but im just trying my best. i cant help someone who does not accept help and stays close minded so i become frustrated. i really do try to understand where the other person is coming from but it's easier for me to call things stupid or be mad that they don't handle themselves like i do. maybe it is disrespectful but there is some care in there.

its can be hard to know what someone wants and does not want to hear but its such a basic courtesy to ask or know your place if the person youre opening up to is not usually the type youd share this kind of thing with... some people do need to keep things to themselves when theyre just ranting to vent and not seeking any kind of advice

 

[NorthernMonkey]

I understand. But problems are relative, if that's the worst they have dealt with in life then it will seem like a real problem to them. Sometimes I want to shake people and say if you only knew what was going on in my head, but then I find myself saying yes I really sympathise and feel awful for you that you can't make up your mind what color to paint your bedroom.

 

[starrvingstar]

I understand. But problems are relative, if that's the worst they have dealt with in life then it will seem like a real problem to them. Sometimes I want to shake people and say if you only knew what was going on in my head, but then I find myself saying yes I really sympathise and feel awful for you that you can't make up your mind what color to paint your bedroom.

you are right, it is real to them and thats what matters most. no one could relate to me if i tried to explain either, i have no good reason to feel this way.

 

[Unattainable666]

I agree with you. Then when you try to tell them what is going on in your life they look at you as if you are crazy and quite honesty they don't give a shit. I feel I am totally alone in whatever happens in my life. No one gives a shit. Sad world we live in.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think the best thing is to avoid other people then, other people shouldn't have to be all grateful and content just because you see your problems as being worse. The way that I see it, existence is a burden that was so unfairly forced on us so any negative feelings towards life are perfectly justified. I don't think that it's anybody else's place to tell other people how to feel and anyway you cannot experience life the same way as them, it's insensitive to invalidate other people's feelings and label them as "stupid". I bet you wouldn't like it if people did that to you.

 

[Disaster]

I'm 100% convinced that there's nothing wrong with not relating so something, but also that being fake isn't okay "as long as they don't know". Maybe it's different priorities, dunno. To me honest, consensual, real contacts with humans matter, and if I can't have that, I'd like to be out NOW, not just have a plane just in case in some vague future just in case. We can't be honest about everything because some stuff could be a burden or get people into trouble. But not wanting to say "sorry, I can't help with your need to vent right now and I have no clue when I could have such capacity", pretending to relate and actually that the person should get a grip on themselves in not being nice. It's not being a bad person either, but it's lack of accountability you'd expect from others. If you believe that those people prefer to be begrudgingly "listened", get some fake recycled therapy bullshit, instead of just setting proper boundaries when you can't take care of their needs, you don't respect them very much or maybe simply are afraid of confrontation and prefer to just feel superior for having "bigger problems you handle all by yourself". It's lack of respect to decide that someone deserves this half-assed recycled therapy stuff and "it's okay to feel superior over them and pretend to relate" rather than set boundaries and keep respecting them and treating them as equal human beings on this miserable planet - because they don't know that the "support" they receive is fake. How do you expect those people to get a grip on themselves and act like adults if you don't believe they could take simple boundaries, and if you believe that it's for their own good to not set boundaries for them for such a minor thing?

 

[starrvingstar]

I think the best thing is to avoid other people then, other people shouldn't have to be all grateful and content just because you see your problems as being worse. The way that I see it, existence is a burden that was so unfairly forced on us so any negative feelings towards life are perfectly justified. I don't think that it's anybody else's place to tell other people how to feel and anyway you cannot experience life the same way as them, it's insensitive to invalidate other people's feelings and label them as "stupid". I bet you wouldn't like it if people did that to you.

i just hate when people make things worse for themselves when they could very easily enforce small lifestyle changes that solve their relatively small problems, avoid the snowball effect of the potential start of their depression and make their overall experience so much better.

i don't invalidate their feelings to their faces, i just cant help but feel this way. thanks for sharing.

 

[Disaster]

i just hate when people make things worse for themselves when they could very easily enforce small lifestyle changes that solve their relatively small problems, avoid the snowball effect of the potential start of their depression and make their overall experience so much better.

i don't invalidate their feelings to their faces, i just cant help but feel this way. thanks for sharing.

So you basically feel superior to them, and even tho their behavior annoys you, you gain something (improving the way you feel about yourself) from their problems.

 

[starrvingstar]

I'm 100% convinced that there's nothing wrong with not relating so something, but also that being fake isn't okay "as long as they don't know". Maybe it's different priorities, dunno. To me honest, consensual, real contacts with humans matter, and if I can't have that, I'd like to be out NOW, not just have a plane just in case in some vague future just in case. We can't be honest about everything because some stuff could be a burden or get people into trouble. But not wanting to say "sorry, I can't help with your need to vent right now and I have no clue when I could have such capacity", pretending to relate and actually that the person should get a grip on themselves in not being nice. It's not being a bad person either, but it's lack of accountability you'd expect from others. If you believe that those people prefer to be begrudgingly "listened", get some fake recycled therapy bullshit, instead of just setting proper boundaries when you can't take care of their needs, you don't respect them very much or maybe simply are afraid of confrontation and prefer to just feel superior for having "bigger problems you handle all by yourself". It's lack of respect to decide that someone deserves this half-assed recycled therapy stuff and "it's okay to feel superior over them and pretend to relate" rather than set boundaries and keep respecting them and treating them as equal human beings on this miserable planet - because they don't know that the "support" they receive is fake. How do you expect those people to get a grip on themselves and act like adults if you don't believe they could take simple boundaries, and if you believe that it's for their own good to not set boundaries for them for such a minor thing?

thanks for explaining how you feel about the subject it helps me grasp another perspective.

regarding taking accountability for not being able to relate to someone, i do usually let them know that i can not relate and can probably not provide any useful information based of my experiences and i apologize for that.

i ask them if there is any other way i can help or what they wanted from the conversation in the first place and they reply "you can't" or "nothing". what else can i do for someone but listen and give them advice i have taken from others if i cant relate from personal experience?

maybe i am worse at this than i thought. my boyfriend constantly brings up people he misses talking to and i think that shows i am definitely doing something wrong if he doesn't feel heard by me. but he barely shares anything of substance.

i still support the people i care about and hate to see them struggle with anything. i always want to provide a space for them to be able to vent and get it off their chests. i can just never relate to their superficial struggles that could so easily be resolved if they tried just a bit to look at things from a different perspective and i wish they put effort to make their lives a little bit better.

i dont know if you can relate but my friends/bf always feels the need to make mom/dad proud, thats all they ever want. they let a few words they dont hear from their parents ruin their lives and they'll never get the validation they live for. sometimes its time to move on and live for themselves. my parents dont apologize to me or tell me i do anything right. i know i cant or shouldnt compare my experiences to others and everyone struggles to the same extent and their feelings are valid i get that its a huge deal to them but at a certain point you have to move past it to move on in YOUR life and not stay stuck.

maybe i'm being shallow.

its not a feeling of superiority at all, i just feel as though its on a smaller scale and it could be prevented and lead to a healthier life. i get frustrated when healthy people let these things bother them because im scared it might lead to their depression which i know not everyone reacts so strongly to the things they feel but still i worry.

i try to set the boundaries or try to hear them out but it hardly comes up in conversation except once a while and i cant grasp my own emotions when it happens. i think my relationships are probably very immature at this stage and i am definitely not mentally stable enough to care for another person in the way they deserve it. but i do not want to lose these people.

So you basically feel superior to them, and even tho their behavior annoys you, you gain something (improving the way you feel about yourself) from their problems.

i dont gain anything? i dont feel superior i would just hate to see them suffer as badly as i do and wish they could take the precautions to heal small wounds and be sure they wont reopen as i should have done at that stage of my illness.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

thanks for explaining how you feel about the subject it helps me grasp another perspective.

regarding taking accountability for not being able to relate to someone, i do usually let them know that i can not relate and can probably not provide any useful information based of my experiences and i apologize for that.

i ask them if there is any other way i can help or what they wanted from the conversation in the first place and they reply "you can't" or "nothing". what else can i do for someone but listen and give them advice i have taken from others if i cant relate from personal experience?

maybe i am worse at this than i thought. my boyfriend constantly brings up people he misses talking to and i think that shows i am definitely doing something wrong if he doesn't feel heard by me. but he barely shares anything of substance.

i still support the people i care about and hate to see them struggle with anything. i always want to provide a space for them to be able to vent and get it off their chests. i can just never relate to their superficial struggles that could so easily be resolved if they tried just a bit to look at things from a different perspective and i wish they put effort to make their lives a little bit better.

i dont know if you can relate but my friends/bf always feels the need to make mom/dad proud, thats all they ever want. they let a few words they dont hear from their parents ruin their lives and they'll never get the validation they live for. sometimes its time to move on and live for themselves. my parents dont apologize to me or tell me i do anything right. i know i cant or shouldnt compare my experiences to others and everyone struggles to the same extent and their feelings are valid i get that its a huge deal to them but at a certain point you have to move past it to move on in YOUR life and not stay stuck.

maybe i'm being shallow.

its not a feeling of superiority at all, i just feel as though its on a smaller scale and it could be

Sorry I don't know what I'm doing yet! I don't think you are feeling superior or gaining anything here. I wanted to reply to the bit you said about your boyfriend saying he misses talking to certain people. I don't think that is necessary a criticism to you. Sometimes you like talking to different people for different reasons. I think depression can make you think everything is about you, and it really isn't. This can be exhausting for other people. It also makes us so wrapped up in our own problems and emotions that other people's problems or just what they want to talk about, seem trivial. If you listen to them, really let them talk, you will find them more likely to open up properly and in turn want to hear what you have to say, and understand you. Even if you find it boring, feign interest and give it a try :)