I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. More than anything I wish that I was never born as to never exist means to never suffer. Life is completely unnecessary, we were all perfectly fine not existing until we were forced to live. Suicide really is so difficult and I know that it can be awful feeling like you are trapped. In a world where so much pain exists, we all deserve the option of a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. I wish you the best in whatever happens.