Venting I hate living as a man

[Codename_Joryu]

Being born as a man is without a doubt the worst coin toss I have ever lost. It's a curse that I, among many others, simply cannot bear.

Because the truth is, unless you can provide something for society, no one cares about you. You are not allowed to cry, show any kind of human emotions, ask for help if you're struggling in your everyday activities. Society enforces unrealistic expectations on you, and if you don't manage to fullfil them, you are a laughing stock. You are supposed to work, take care of your body, help everyone around you, smile, and continue this cycle for as long as you live. And if you fail at this, even your own parents will start to hate you. Many times I showed signs of struggle, asked for help, cried a lot, even in front of total strangers, but no one really cared for longer than 1 day. People were laughing at me for this, mocking me behind my back or tried using me when my guard was down. It's been almost 10 years of this bullshit and I never received actual help or support from anyone, because if you are a man you are just supposed to "fix yourself all on your own", but the truth is, it's just not possible.

Men's depression is at all times high nowadays, male deaths represent 79% of suicides, and by the end of me writing this post, at least 10 men will try to take their own life. I've seen people talk about this for years, news talking about male suicidies, corny yt shorts about male depression, millions of posts encouraging people to take actions. But all of this changes literally nothing. No one actually takes all of this seriously, no matter how big the problem is and how much bigger it will become in the future, everyone just pretends like it's not even happening. Every time a man takes his own life, they make a big fuss about it, people cry, always say the same shit like "Oh, but he seemed fine" or "I never thought he would do this", then they tell everyone that this needs to stop and we should actually take this problem seriously. And then 2 weeks go by, and all of them simply forget it ever happened and go back to making the same mistakes that led to someone taking their own life.

I've seen men broken by mental illness, forever alone and unable to form a simpliest human connection, I've seen men who lost everything in their life due to outside factors, who were forced to live on a street, I've seen men from abusive households, who never had one happy day in their miserable life. And even then people had the audacity to tell them that they are weak, that it's only their fault they ended up like this, that they should just do this and do that and boom, your life is fixed. It's not just women doing it, other men do it too, and they actually do this a lot more often.

Men's suffering is not only ignored, but also profitable. Companies and influencers talking about it only for extra gain and more followers, men selling you courses on how to magically fix your life, women selling you onlyfans to artificially help you with your loneliness, therapists and psychiatrists charging you giant amounts of money for visits and medications. After a while you just realise that there not only is no help, but also enemies on every corner, who want nothing more than to use your problems for their own benefit. They only try to help you so you can get addicted, and come back for more. No one wants you to get better, just to get more content with the limbo, so you can get back to work like a good boy you are. It's either this, or kill yourself and make room for someone better.

I know that nothing I said will change anything, some will laugh, some will call it a pathetic attention grabbing, but I know that many men on this site will relate to this. If you are a guy reading this, I'm truly sorry for you, and I hope that maybe by some divine miracle, you will get out of this and find peace.

 

[martyrdom]

I'm making such a valiant effort to hold back. You timed this perfectly because I'm in the hospital right now.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

I'm making such a valiant effort to hold back. You timed this perfectly because I'm in the hospital right now.

Can you explain what do you mean by that?

 

[martyrdom]

Can you explain what do you mean by that?

I'm also male but I am the forum's local extreme feminist raging man criticizer who will usually write lengthy responses to posts like yours. You can see my credentials here.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

If you hate it that much you could always transition. Worked pretty good for me lmao. But in all seriousness a lot of the things you said also apply to women as well. Having lived much of my life pretending to be a man I can understand what you're saying. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is disconnect from those toxic, performative, and overly competitive environments that make up the bulk of male friend groups (and male-centered online spaces as well!). Find people who are kind and understanding and who will offer you support and also support them back. The problem is not necessarily that you're a man but that you're surrounded by people who are unwilling to empathize with and support you.

Having also lived a couple years as a woman it really is a grass is greener situation. Women have just as much capability to create these same toxic, performative, and overly competitive environments that are harming you now. Again what you really need is to surround yourself with good, caring people who will support you through your struggles. I'm not going to lie and say this is easy to achieve, I'm still working on this myself, but it's something you can strive for. I hope everything goes well for you.

 

[venerated-vader]

After a while you just realise that there not only is no help, but also enemies on every corner, who want nothing more than to use your problems for their own benefit.

VERY true. Emotional vulnerability = profit. They'll target mental illness (and exacerbate it), pregnancy / newborn children (where's the gift registry? baby shower! look at all the things your child will need!), weddings (get all the pretty flowers and splurge on a ring!), funerals (grief removes inhibitions when it comes to cost, so charge 'em even more!) etc. Capitalism necessitates profits, and Number Go Up when people are too emotional to make rational decisions with their money. Doesn't help that culture perpetuates this and decries anyone who doesn't fall in line.

Every time a man takes his own life, they make a big fuss about it, people cry, always say the same shit like "Oh, but he seemed fine" or "I never thought he would do this", then they tell everyone that this needs to stop and we should actually take this problem seriously. And then 2 weeks go by, and all of them simply forget it ever happened and go back to making the same mistakes that led to someone taking their own life.

This pisses me off SO much. It only matters to people when they cannot avoid the truth. It goes from 'just get a job' / 'get over it' / 'stop being such a crybaby', 'you're just doing it for attention' to 'they were so young and beautiful', 'how could this happen? they never said anything!', 'they lost their fight against mental illness!'. And my personal favorite, 'remember to ask for help! There's always help out there!'

If there was help that was accessible and actually helped the issue at hand, perhaps people wouldn't feel the need to ctb in the first place. But a complex discussion about this is far too difficult to make into a slogan or fit into a social media post. If you ask me, all that shit is leagues more performative than the whole 'attention-seeking' bullshit those misinformed folx will spout if a person complains a little too loudly.

The problem is not necessarily that you're a man but that you're surrounded by people who are unwilling to empathize with and support you.

And THIS. Empathy is a dying art in a world where all people care about is money and power. Those who show 'weakness' (emotional distress of any form, I guess) usually can't fight back against the continued attacks of those who consider themselves 'strong'. People like that become bullies because they're unwilling and unable to admit to the factors that have imposed misery upon them because, I assure you, those people are not happy either. They just have the ability to keep that shit to themselves. Lucky them, I guess. But no happy person is going to sit around getting angry at someone for being unhappy. They're upset because they're offended, and they're offended because they need to create a hierarchy that puts their 'strength' above the 'weaknesses' of others. Survivorship bias is a hell of a drug... lol

 

[Codename_Joryu]

If you hate it that much you could always transition.

I never felt like a woman, I doubt it will work for me.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I never felt like a woman, I doubt it will work for me.

Don't worry I was just joking lol.

 

[violetforever]

women selling you onlyfans to artificially help you with your loneliness

is it possible for men to think deeper about this issue or does their dependency to pornography really prevent them from it to the point that they see themselves as such innocent victims?

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Imagine being one that looks like a decent looking woman, it SUCKS.

 

[colorlesshue]

I think this is an all gendered problem, not specifically a male one. We're all targeted with the expectations put on us because of culture, gender, sexuality, ect. humans were born to be free, not walking consumers. I can't promise it gets better, but freeing yourself from a "this is what i should be doing as a man" mindset is so liberating
also consider not engaging in porn, it just ruins your expectations not only for women but also for men and how you should perform malehood. same with AI girlfriends, these industries only thrive and harm more men because we treat them as "your only option ! !" when we should be promoting men learning empathy and understanding for the other gender

 

[Codename_Joryu]

is it possible for men to think deeper about this issue or does their dependency to pornography really prevent them from it to the point that they see themselves as such innocent victims?

Women online make hundreds of posts about male depression targeting mentally ill, lonely and touch starved guys and have their onlyfans link in their bio. It's really easy to exploit someone who's vulnerable 24/7 and everyone knows it. Sometimes it's just not men's fault that they get addicted to pornography, but instead of offering them real help, they offer them temporary solutions which only make everything worse. And I think that it's much more fucked up than just watching it.

 

[Abort!]

I'm also male but I am the forum's local extreme feminist raging man criticizer who will usually write lengthy responses to posts like yours. You can see my credentials here.

We're all born into the system without consent. Blame can be assigned without turning it into collective condemnation.

 

[colorlesshue]

is it possible for men to think deeper about this issue or does their dependency to pornography really prevent them from it to the point that they see themselves as such innocent victims?

porn has ruined our minds as a society . . we've literally been gaslit to believe it's "your only option" when in fact there's always a choice. not saying it needs to be outlawed or anything, but it's ruining people's expectations of how other genders behave while also fucking up our abilities to process sex normally.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

I can't promise it gets better, but freeing yourself from a "this is what i should be doing as a man" mindset is so liberating

It's simply not possible when everyone around you forces this mindset down your throat.

also consider not engaging in porn

I don't but ok

 

[colorlesshue]

Women online make hundreds of posts about male depression targeting mentally ill, lonely and touch starved guys and have their onlyfans link in their bio. It's really easy to exploit someone who's vulnerable 24/7 and everyone knows it. Sometimes it's just not men's fault that they get addicted to pornography, but instead of offering them real help, they offer them temporary solutions which only make everything worse. And I think that it's much more fucked up than just watching it.

I think you're generalizing, but lets say you're right. Oftentimes these men are old enough to make their own choices, they can decide whether they want to consume porn or not. Adding to that, you're responsible for consuming things responsibly, while the porn industry preys on them (as most industries do honestly), you're also responsible for your own consumption and can make the active choice to go get help for your addictions.

It's simply not possible when everyone around you forces this mindset down your throat.

I don't but ok

it's possible, your perception is your downfall. you choose who you surround yourself with as well, and if you surround yourself with people who treat you like shit you'll eventually start viewing yourself the same way.

 

[violetforever]

they offer them temporary solutions which only make everything worse.

who is "they" here?

porn has ruined our minds as a society . . we've literally been gaslit to believe it's "your only option" when in fact there's always a choice. not saying it needs to be outlawed or anything, but it's ruining people's expectations of how other genders behave while also fucking up our abilities to process sex normally.

i can hardly have this conversation cause the topic is so gross and makes me very uncomfortable and depressed but i agree.

 

[colorlesshue]

who is "they" here?

i can hardly have this conversation cause the topic is so gross and makes me very uncomfortable and depressed but i agree.

i'm very sorry you feel uncomfortable (genuine), it is a very depressing topic to discuss.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

I think you're generalizing, but lets say you're right. Oftentimes these men are old enough to make their own choices, they can decide whether they want to consume porn or not. Adding to that, you're responsible for consuming things responsibly, while the porn industry preys on them (as most industries do honestly), you're also responsible for your own consumption and can make the active choice to go get help for your addictions.

It's really not that simple. Mentally ill people can't make logical decisions, they run purely on satisfying their urges no matter how bad it may be for them. You can't put the entire blame on people who could never even function properly from the very start. I didn't want to get addicted to nicotine either, but it was the only thing that made me feel better even for a moment, because medications weren't helping at all, my parents and friends didn't care and I couldn't find anything else to ease the pain. You say all of this like it's an easy thing to do, but it's probably because you never had to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

 

[colorlesshue]

It's really not that simple. Mentally ill people can't make logical decisions, they run purely on satisfying their urges no matter how bad it may be for them. You can't put the entire blame on people who could never even function properly from the very start. I didn't want to get addicted to nicotine either, but it was the only thing that made me feel better even for a moment, because medications weren't helping at all, my parents and friends didn't care and I couldn't find anything else to ease the pain. You say all of this like it's an easy thing to do, but it's probably because you never had to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

saying someone whos mentally ill can't make logical decisions on this forum of all places is insane work, but putting that aside; i'm not saying it like it's easy because im also a dipshit in this hellsite. i'm telling you that pretending like theres an inherit victimhood in being a man is wrong especially because each gender faces different challenges. struggling is apart of life and YOUR choices matter, you can't blame your gender because shits hitting the fan, and shit hitting the fan is why we're all here. it doesn't matter if your male, female, non binary, or something different because of societal expectations and sexism we're all getting fucked over. keeping yourself in a "im a guy so my life is automatically harder" mindset is clearly hurting you, you can't shed those thoughts overnight but you can make an effort to free yourself.
and effort, at the end of the day is the hardest part. but you have to get over the hard bits to really open your eyes to the other side

 

[Codename_Joryu]

saying someone whos mentally ill can't make logical decisions on this forum of all places is insane work

and why is that?

 

[martyrdom]

And I think that it's much more fucked up than just watching it.

Women advertising to men who dehumanize them, for whatever reason, does not in fact make those men victims. I'm sorry but I just don't buy it that a truly lonely person who just craves connection is going to buy sexual access to a woman nor do I understand how I'm supposed to empathise with this. No man who views women as human beings is going to pay to see them naked, cater to his fantasies in fake personal videos, do emotional labor for him or whatever else.

The rest of what you described is all things women also struggle with, everyone struggles with these problems. You don't struggle with them because you're a man, and you don't struggle with them worse than women do because you're a man. If you realize that you can find empathy, solidarity and human connection with the women who also go through them.

but it's probably because you never had to put yourself in someone else's shoes

Very bold statement from someone whose theory of mind for women is so neglected that he doesn't realize everything he described above are issues that have nothing to do with being a man. If men suffer uniquely, there is the implication here that you think women have it easier. You're getting these responses not because this is proof no one cares about men and everyone hates men, we just can't ignore that implication when it's just insanely untrue and unempathetic given the centuries of extreme oppression women have faced and still do.

You say men's emotions are not taken seriously, but are women's? No, in fact women's emotions are taken so unseriously that doctors invented an entire condition that "explains" their inherent irrationality, lack of credibility, and "wild mood swings and depression" - hysteria. And not that long ago the most hilarious joke of all time was sad teen girls who cut themselves. Women's emotions are taken so unseriously that many of them are porn categories. Men hear "suck it up, be a man (read: a human being, a person with dignity, a logical person who is supposed to be strong, not a hysterical, irrational, crazy, subhuman woman)" and women hear "you're a stupid hysterical lying bitch crying over nothing" (or worse, "it's hot when you cry"). It's not that women are allowed to feel and express emotions whereas men aren't. Women are just assumed by default to be crazy and hysterical and overemotional.

Mentally ill people can't make logical decisions, they run purely on satisfying their urges no matter how bad it may be for them. You can't put the entire blame on people who could never even function properly from the very start.

Mentally ill people are not exempt from accountability. @colorlesshue was extremely measured in their responses and extended empathy towards you, which seemed to be what you were asking for in the OP, but somehow it just made you defensive.

 

[Sadbanana]

I'm autistic man. It's probably the worst combination, because you being autistic is simply goes against all the societal expectations put on man. I literally have nothing to live for because of it.

 

[Dejected 55]

is it possible for men to think deeper about this issue or does their dependency to pornography really prevent them from it to the point that they see themselves as such innocent victims?

It is... and many men do think deeper... but, try to have a deeper nuanced conversation about it without being attacked... that's a different story.

Since you mention men with a dependence on pornography... that implies a vulnerability that can be exploited... so I would turn it around and ask don't these OnlyFans workers have accountability and responsibility not to exploit vulnerable men? We hold bartenders legally liable if they over-serve alcohol to an already drunk person who gets into a car accident after leaving the bar. At least in the US we do. The drinker has responsibility to not get drunk in the first place, but if the bartender takes advantage of the already drunk person to allow him to get into trouble... we also hold the bartender accountable as well for exploiting the drunk person who can't choose as easily not to drink and drive once already drunk.

There was a case not so long ago of a person who told someone several times to "just kill yourself then" and after the person committed suicide, that person giving the cold advice/suggestion was found liable (at least civilly, can't remember if it was a criminal case) for the suicide.

We talk all the time about men who manipulate vulnerable women and how despicable it is for a man to knowingly take advantage of a woman and exploit her... but when is the shoe on the other foot? Should men be less into OnlyFans? Sure. I've never even visited that site, no interest in it from me... but there are a lot of women on there, and many of them are making good money for themselves... and while I see a lot of people blaming men for buying subscriptions to OnlyFans... I only ever see women getting sympathy for "having" to do an OnlyFans page. I don't think I've ever seen anyone bring up the exploitation of vulnerable men that is going on where women pretend to care and have virtual "relationships" with men to entice them to pay higher fees to get personalized emails and such, that are often written by employees of the women and not the women themselves.

Women online make hundreds of posts about male depression targeting mentally ill, lonely and touch starved guys and have their onlyfans link in their bio. It's really easy to exploit someone who's vulnerable 24/7 and everyone knows it. Sometimes it's just not men's fault that they get addicted to pornography, but instead of offering them real help, they offer them temporary solutions which only make everything worse. And I think that it's much more fucked up than just watching it.

You've committed the cardinal sin, I'm afraid, of being a man and expressing vulnerability. It's a lather, rinse, repeat situation where you even point out how people will use your vulnerability against you only to see it takes less than a day for people to pounce on your vulnerabilities.

I agree with those who have said these are non-gendered issues for the most part. Men and women have some different issues to be sure... but one thing is consistently true, and that is... Women who complain are generally treated with more sympathy and empathy than men who complain even about similar mental health situations. It's not really helping anyone to have this divide over things that are affecting both genders, and penalizing people who come forward is a thing I thought we were trying to move away from. All too often in the past women's complaints fell on deaf ears and exploitation was allowed to continue... but while we seem to have turned a corner and are listening more to women as we should ALWAYS have been doing... that hasn't been extended nearly as much to men who are asked to be emotionally intelligent and vulnerable only to have it used against them.

 

[itsgone2]

Men's depression is at all times high nowadays, male deaths represent 79% of suicides, and by the end of me writing this post, at least 10 men will try to take their own life.

It's such a depressing truth. My brother, two friends from high school, the son of a coworker. Everyone I know that has committed suicide was male. Not sure what to do about it, especially when I'm going to join this statistic one day.

 

[badatparties]

It's such a depressing truth. My brother, two friends from high school, the son of a coworker. Everyone I know that has committed suicide was male. Not sure what to do about it, especially when I'm going to join this statistic one day.

Speaking of genders and what not, I read that women actually attempt more, but men die much more often cause they are better at it LMAO.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

Very bold statement from someone whose theory of mind for women is so neglected that he doesn't realize everything he described above are issues that have nothing to do with being a man. If men suffer uniquely, there is the implication here that you think women have it easier.

I don't understand why most of you here feel like this post was meant to attack women in some way and make you think that they don't have any problems in life. I'm fully aware that women can have similar issues like this, but this post was targeted fully towards male audience and problems they have to face. I know my post is very generalizing, but I just can't point out every single issue men have to deal with in todays world because the list is really fucking long. I just wanted other men here to symphasize, share their stories and leave room for disscusion. But instead y'all just prove my point and show exactly what happens every time men try to speak up about their issues. People making jokes, saying that "oh, but women have it much worse!", putting the entire blame and responsibility for our feelings on us, or trying to frame me as some mysoginist who thinks women have a red carpet rolled around for everything.

 

[Forever Sleep]

What I struggle with is- there seem to be so many men feeling this way so- why don't they do more to support one another? I often hear them say they envy women for their support groups but- they don't just happen. They take effort and courage- to open up to another person that we are struggling. Maybe men fear that other guys will tease them for doing that but- seeing as so many men do seem to be struggling now- aren't the chances higher that there will be others like them? Hopefully willing to listen and sympathise.

Is there a megathread here? Maybe someone could start one. Although, threads that highlight the plight of either men or women as being worse tend to descend into a battle of the sexes.

 

[badatparties]

What I struggle with is- there seem to be so many men feeling this way so- why don't they do more to support one another? I often hear them say they envy women for their support groups but- they don't just happen. They take effort and courage- to open up to another person that we are struggling. Maybe men fear that other guys will tease them for doing that but- seeing as so many men do seem to be struggling now- aren't the chances higher that there will be others like them? Hopefully willing to listen and sympathise.

Is there a megathread here? Maybe someone could start one. Although, threads that highlight the plight of either men or women as being worse tend to descend into a battle of the sexes.

I feel like men are much more solution oriented rather than focusing on feelings. It's like feeling bad, okay find a way to fix it dude. This male orientation toward fixing problems actually leads men to kill themselves successfully in larger numbers too. This is known as the gender paradox in suicide. It's just the way the male brain is wired.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

What I struggle with is- there seem to be so many men feeling this way so- why don't they do more to support one another? I often hear them say they envy women for their support groups but- they don't just happen. They take effort and courage- to open up to another person that we are struggling. Maybe men fear that other guys will tease them for doing that but- seeing as so many men do seem to be struggling now- aren't the chances higher that there will be others like them? Hopefully willing to listen and sympathise.

It's because every single man is being put through these unrealistic standards of being perfect and never showing emotions. And those who manage to succed simply become oppresors. I tried looking for a support group for a really long time, but I never found one.