Venting I hate existing!!!!!!(possible trigger warning:cutting)

[theguineapigking]

I lost my temper and broke my electric toothbrush. I then broke some other stuff and went crazy cursing any possible god(to piss them off, In case they exist). Then I tested my new knife out(if you catch my drift). Let's just say that my stomach now looks like it was attacked by a wild cat that had it out for me(not deep sadly)...I'm even more numb now, emotionally. I just want to cease to exist. The pain that I felt from alcohol on my stomach(2in1 combo...disinfect+torture!) was so bad that I got sick. I then realized that I'm bound to relapse again, and now the thought of an afterlife scares me a LOT, because eventually I'll feel pain that bad again.


Do any of you ever lose it and self harm out of hatred and anger, and then just go absolutely nuts? I feel like my mental mindset is slipping away. I feel myself literally going nuts. I'm scared I'll become someone that I hate...well...someone that I hate even more.

Thanks for any support. I don't often post for this reason. I wish you guys all the best.

Edit: I feel bad, because I know there are others here that are in more pain than I am.

 

[specklenought]

I feel like most of the time i self-harm is out of self-anger or hatred. But it's usually due to like, a different feeling. Like I feel something (like intense emotional pain/grief) and then i get angry at myself for feeling that way, and then the SH occurs. I'm sorry it is so painful right now. I'm sorry that this is the way we have learned to cope with that pain. But it is not shameful. We are using what we have to survive. I feel like SH (at least for me) is about actualising my pain in some way. It makes it more understandable to me. But also causes like deep embarrassment which just fuels the cycle all over again.

Anyway, the long story is just to say I'm here, reading this. You're not alone in this feeling.

 

[foxdie]

I'm so sorry you're going through such pain. I haven't self harmed yet but I've come close. My instinct is to bash my head on the wall but I've been able to fight the urge, so I can only relate partially. Sending love

 

[TheSomebody]

I suffer with severe anger issues and ruined many relationships because of this uncontrollable anger. Sometimes I also break my things, sometimes I spend money impulsively, most of the time I isolate myself. But I once self harm. When I was a child I got so angry and there was nowhere for me to vent, so I took my agony off in a mirror with a punch and several pieces of glass tore my hand. It hurt a lot but I felt pleasure and peace when I saw my blood everywhere.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes I relate I just did the exact same thing few days ago and today. I broke stuff hit myself threw things burned and cut myself. I'm now ashamed of myself but I get these rage fits when I feel helpless. I had just gotten some really bad news that sent me spiraling down and I couldn't cope.