I hate being transgender

[7thundercloud]

Im a transgender male. I was born female and have transitioned to male. I do not have too surgery or bottom surgery, I am 6 months on testosterone. I pass fairly well, ive got some but of muscle from one year in the gym.
I still hate myself. I have a girlfriend, shes straight and its clear she loves me, but I still hate myself. I hate my body, and the fact that I have to live like this forever.
The way my girlfriend will have a difficult time dating me because im not just her boyfriend, im her TRANS boyfriend. The legal name, the adjustments for sexual intimacy, the fear of being perceived as a gay couple. I dont want her to deal with all of my mess.
I often think suicide is my only option. Ive been consistent in the gym for a year, and I guess I am impatient. I still have waist fat that I fucking hate and cant seem to get rid of. This life is too difficult, id rather be dead.

 

[MelancholyDolly]

Felt. I wanna transition so bad but I'm really terrified I might regret it because of everything that comes with it. I'm not out to my family and my father is really religious if I started I think he'd stop seeing me as his precious child. I think he'd literally hate me and throw me out of the house. (I overheard him saying he would throw me out of the house if I was gay before so being trans is definitely a no-no)

Tbh I kinda wish I could just change genders like in a video game that way I can present the way I want in my own time and present the way people want to see me when I'm around them. Ofc that isn't possible though so I feel like I'm just stuck with the gender I've been given. I love my best friend but I think even she'd start looking at me weird if I actually went through with transitioning. I don't think she'd like me as much.

I try really hard to like myself the way I am but I don't think I'll ever be comfortable in this body and it really makes me just wanna give up. I can never truly be myself in real life without ruining my family so just don't wanna be anymore of a burden.

 

[Shimidori]

A thought of mine that also doesn't help pushing me closer to suicide is the inherent discomfort I feel within my own body, and my inability to ever transition.

I don't have a body that can ever pass, I hate even looking at my face and simply want to punch a mirror when I catch a glance of what I look like. Even if I could get past that, there are grim thoughts that make me doubt I would ever be able to truly "be" the opposite gender, with small things like "If I ever look at myself the way a man looks at a woman, am I truly a woman? Or am I a man living a lie?"

Things like that also make me feel the same way you do: I don't want to be a burden to anyone, not to my girlfriend, not to my friends, not to anyone. It would be just easier for me to hit the shut down button and just CTB.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, no one deserves to feel that way about their own body. I'm not an expert on transition nor am I trans myself, so take everything I say with a grain of salt, but I think 6 months may still be early days. I imagine such a transformation may be quite difficult at all levels, the hormones, the emotions, seeing yourself change.

I hope you know that there isn't anything wrong with being trans, you're no less of a human because of it, no matter what others say. I know some people's words can be sharp as knifes...
I hope your girlfriend continues to support you. I imagine it must be very difficult to adapting intimately but if she really loves you she will adapt to her person.

Just broke my heart to read your post, really wish things could be simpler