Yeah when I hear stories in the media I often don't get why seemingly successful people commit suicide. In some cases they experience admiration by a lot of people, have loved ones and no sorrows about money.
I still think poverty will likely kill me. This will drive me over the edge. But there is tiny hope I will be able to hold a job. I recently got some grades in college. I was really astonished they were very very good. I suspect they made a mistake when giving the grades. But one can count this as a success. For me grades are very important. I am a very insecure person with a lot of OCD. Especially concerning performance pressure.
I look at these grades and other people envy me for that. But I am still so fucking unhappy. I have the feeling nothing can make me happy. Today I met my best friends. We were more than 5 people. The gf of my best friend also was there. I am really glad he finally found a gf. It hurt him a lot in the past. But we both shared this desire to find a gf. HIs dream came true but for me my conditions ruined every attempt to find a gf. Though I more and more think even if I had a gf I would still feel fucking unhappy.
There were some moments I enjoyed today. But I am self-aware enough to remember that there will probably be no happy end for me. I don't know how to solve my problems. And there are so many of them. My illness probably proceeds in cycles and I doubt I can endure more rock bottoms. I just cannot cope with this extreme pain again. It is all so hopeless.
Like on the surface there was not much to be unhappy about today. Spent time with my best friends, ate something very delicious, currently no money issues...
but I know I will pay the price for this someday. I think my current mood won't last forever. In the future my current mood will likely develop into a full manic episode. And the suffering spiral will continue.
This illness (bipolar disorder) taught me one thing. No matter how amazing a situation can feel it is not worth it if the consequence of it is extreme severe pain.
The last manic epsiode was the greatest time of my whole life. It lasted 1 year it felt amazing. But the mania resulted in a psychotic epsiode. And the aftermath of that was extreme torture. I had very severe psychosomatic pain after it. For 2,5 years. I almost killed myself because of it. Next time I will probably have no other option than to end it.
I cannot really enjoy days like today when I know in the future it will backfire. My whole life is just a house of cards. One wrong move and everything will break down.
I still think poverty will likely kill me. This will drive me over the edge. But there is tiny hope I will be able to hold a job. I recently got some grades in college. I was really astonished they were very very good. I suspect they made a mistake when giving the grades. But one can count this as a success. For me grades are very important. I am a very insecure person with a lot of OCD. Especially concerning performance pressure.
I look at these grades and other people envy me for that. But I am still so fucking unhappy. I have the feeling nothing can make me happy. Today I met my best friends. We were more than 5 people. The gf of my best friend also was there. I am really glad he finally found a gf. It hurt him a lot in the past. But we both shared this desire to find a gf. HIs dream came true but for me my conditions ruined every attempt to find a gf. Though I more and more think even if I had a gf I would still feel fucking unhappy.
There were some moments I enjoyed today. But I am self-aware enough to remember that there will probably be no happy end for me. I don't know how to solve my problems. And there are so many of them. My illness probably proceeds in cycles and I doubt I can endure more rock bottoms. I just cannot cope with this extreme pain again. It is all so hopeless.
Like on the surface there was not much to be unhappy about today. Spent time with my best friends, ate something very delicious, currently no money issues...
but I know I will pay the price for this someday. I think my current mood won't last forever. In the future my current mood will likely develop into a full manic episode. And the suffering spiral will continue.
This illness (bipolar disorder) taught me one thing. No matter how amazing a situation can feel it is not worth it if the consequence of it is extreme severe pain.
The last manic epsiode was the greatest time of my whole life. It lasted 1 year it felt amazing. But the mania resulted in a psychotic epsiode. And the aftermath of that was extreme torture. I had very severe psychosomatic pain after it. For 2,5 years. I almost killed myself because of it. Next time I will probably have no other option than to end it.
I cannot really enjoy days like today when I know in the future it will backfire. My whole life is just a house of cards. One wrong move and everything will break down.
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