Venting I had a single objective in life and I just realized I won't ever achieve it

[JamesMoonDerWater]

I interacted with very few posts since I first started logging in here. The reason for this is because I told my psychiatrist at the time that I was gonna write my letter and that was enough for him to lock me at my mom's under her supervision for a week. Since then I have come back to living at my place alone and ive been fluctuating on my mental health.

But the real reason I'm here and trying to ctb is because since January, more or less, I had realized that I can't follow my main goal in life, which is to become a game developer.

I think It was around the age of 6 when I played donkey Kong country 3 on a SNES emulator on a PS2 that I got that objective. Ever since I've done everything I could to achieve that. I really mean everything!

Unfortunately as my parents, relatives, friends and everyone else says, that isnt a dream for someone with too many vowels in their name. That's too much of a 1st world dream. I wouldn't be surprised if people here said things similar!

Its unfortunate they were all saying the truth. You can't follow your dreams when you have to work and pay bills in a shit ass environment like myself.

Obviously, it's not only the fact that I can't follow my dreams. I tried to achieve that goal so much that I ended up behind everyone my age. At 21 years I feel like i have to rebuild my entire life and I barely have anything built!
Also, the more I live as an adult the more I know I don't have control over anything. Last week I was supposed to go to an important therapy session, my bitch if a therapist waited for me to arrive to the clinic to just not do it. That's just the most fresh example on my head (this one really affected me because I was actually doing great before this), the fact that I only know English because I had to learn it because there were no game dev books in my language, yet I still get nothing from it is enough proof that no matter your efforts, you have no control over anything in your life. Anything, except your life itself...

I think it's very sad that in the end I did all I could but I feel as I wasn't dealt the best from life. Many people here talk about what saved them from ctb: good memories, people in their lives, dreams... I either don't have or never had any of that. At the age of 21 I live alone and rarely get in contact with anyone and like I said, if I ever get in contact with anyone what will that ever do for me? I'm tired of telling everyone how hard it's been to realize that I can't follow my entire life objective and I never even get a "damn that's tough". I'm still just creating the courage to finally ctb tbfr...

 

[Pale_Rider]

Im gonna be the asshole, and tell you at 21 you can still do anything you want to. Stop using other people as a measuring tool, because guess what? They are gonna stop advancing at some point too.

 

[JamesMoonDerWater]

Im gonna be the asshole, and tell you at 21 you can still do anything you want to. Stop using other people as a measuring tool, because guess what? They are gonna stop advancing at some point too.

Thanks for the encouragement. But the truth I think I just don't want it anymore. Where I live things are so bad we say you gotta "get your liver and make it your guts". Im so tired of this process of so much "make do" I just can't deal with this anymore you know? If I could id never be in this situation but life in this world we don't choose the conditions we are born.

I mean, when I go to college I encounter people who are much more privileged than me. Their biggest complain of the week is that their dad didn't let they drive the car over to the campus and they discuss very different things from me. They for example discuss their internships, which I don't do because I actually have work because I have to pay bills because I can't live with my parents.

Getting very personal on my world views (skip if you want): I think there's 3 types of people in this world, you either A get things sorted right away, youre born in a wealthy family and you have the right conditions in life. Or B, gets born poor like me but lies to yourself that one day you'll be better. That's my mom, dad, grandfather, grand-grandfather... And then there's C, which is me: I'm aware that I'll never achieve anything because this world is not made for people like me. Capitalism is not made for the poor like me. It's made so I think I have a chance, but I never had and will never have a chance. I have to believe in this lie so I can serve everyone above. That's how Brazil, Argentina and the entire LATAM ends up exporting most of the food on the world and their population still starves. It's because our purpose in capitalism is to only serve food. Not games, no, just food and first-class/commodities like coffee beans, ores (Bolívia!) and so on.

In short, if you have money, you can bypass this whole shit. If not, for a dirt poor Latino like me, I don't have the right to be anything more than a coffee colector. Maybe a front end dev at most. At that point we better end things here cuz again, I grew 20 years with one objective and I won't achieve it. I even tried to just momentarily pursue other things until I could chase game dev again. But I just cant let go of this, like I said, it is the thing holding me in this earth... I wish I had a percentage of all that inspiration you said. That's not me anymore.

 

[6138]

I actually know quite a lot about game dev, and I just wanted to respond here.

Game dev today is MUCH easier to get into than it was. When I started, you had to learn to code in C/C++ from scratch, with very few tools or resources, today, there are a TON of youtube channels and game dev websites out there, in addition to much easier languages like C#, etc.

You don't need an expensive college degree or a ton of money.

Unity and Unreal are free, (They have a royalty based fee model, where you have to pay a percentage of your profits if you sell your game) and there are free tools for all aspects of game development (Blender for 3D modelling, the GiMP for image editing, audacity for audio, Visual studio community for coding, etc, etc).

You can release the game on steam (There is a 100 USD fee) or even in itch.io (Where as far as I am aware there is no fee). You don't need a publishing company, etc.

It has never been easier to get into game dev!

You don't need to make skyrum or call of duty to be successful, there are a ton of simple games, retro games, and indie games that are very successful!

Learning game development when english is your second language might be challenging, but your english seems fluent, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were a native speaker, I'm sure you can do it!

You could start with a small, simple game idea, maybe a puzzle game, or a 2D game, or a visual novel? That will teach you the skills that you need to get started.

I don't want to be dismissive, but I really believe that today, anyone can make a game, it has never been easier!