Venting i guess my bus will be coming much sooner than i anticipated.

[enjoy]

my original plan was to ctb on june 1st or june 30th of this year, after my spring semester of college ended.

well, there's been a change of plans. i was just kicked out of college. long story short, i gave up on everything and failed miserably because my ex dumped me. stupid, i know, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. there's a laundry list of things wrong with me, and she was the last really good thing i had left in my life.

now, i think the day i'll ctb will be at the end of this month. i'm currently very scared and underprepared. my parents are extremely upset with me. i outright told them i wanted to kill myself; in reply, i was told not to threaten them or be so selfish... which is the typical reaction from people who don't fucking understand mental illness at all.

so far, i've only told one of my friends about my academic dismissal. the earliest i'm allowed to return is in two fucking semesters, which is a whole year from now. i wasn't even supposed to live another six months (and i'm certainly not going to, if i can help it), so that means jack shit to me. my hometown's an absolute disaster. i was endlessly bullied in high school. once i got to college, i cut everyone back home off because i met so many amazing people there. i thought i'd never be trapped here again.

well, here i fucking am! my parents are sending me to some outpatient thing. they're convinced that the reason why i'm depressed is because i don't sleep. every time i've tried to open up to a therapist, they've interjected and told them i'm just a kid with anxiety, insomnia and self-esteem issues. they've never let me tell a therapist that i'm a borderline, or that i'm depressed, or that i have body dysmorphia. i never get to say what i want to fucking say.

i'm definitely going to burst once i get to outpatient. somewhere along the line, i'll tell them i'm going to ctb soon. i'll probably be thrown in a pysch ward, and i'll probably be sedated somehow. i almost want to be completely numb. i won't care if they put me in a vegetative state. i don't care if i end up staying there there forever. either way, don't worry; i'll deactivate my account and clear my laptop's history the day of the appointment where i let loose. i'm not letting pro-life assholes ruin this place. it's one of the few safe havens out there.

i'm not entirely sure why i'm posting this. i think it's because i feel stuck. i have no one in real life to talk to. this is the only place where i feel like i can be 100% honest with people. i don't even know what my method's going to be yet. i don't like the idea of sn, and most other options are too gory and have too much risk of failure. i feel like a drug-induced demise is the only way i'll surely succeed. the idea of shooting up a fatal amount seems pretty nice, despite how easy it would probably be to revive me if i was found.

well, this thread may not mark the end, but the next one probably will. you'll know it when you see it.

thanks for reading.

 

[lmroch]

​

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Mine too. I think I won't see Febrero.
Mine too. I think I won't see Febrero.

 

[Flippy]

So you are forced to go through therapy with your parents? That sounds like an exercise in pointlessness! I've been there, me my sisters and my abusive mother -running the show. Prepped us on what to say on the way there every week, while she did her little act to make sure she looked like the poor mummy trying to help her damaged children! Caused way more harm!
Can you demand to see a therapist on your own? I don't know how old you are but I imagine you are at an age where you should have the right to some privacy and heck, maybe without your parents managing the show the therapist might have a hope in hell of helping you!

 

[Funkbunny]

You're posting because you're f'ing angry that nobody hears you.

I'm saying this only as a metaphor in the hope it makes my point clear. When I came out as gay to my parents, I was ready for that to be my last discussion with them. They would either hear me, or I would not be a part of their lives again. Nobody tells me what to think or how to be.

You've started, potentially, a discussion here and if you're comfortable enough to do so, I'd invite you to keep talking.

There is not one counsellor or psychiatrist on the face of the planet that has the answers. Know that you are fully able to stop them, and ask why they felt the need to interject. It's a 2 way process in counselling after all. You don't have to roll over and take what they say. Those sessions are about you.

 

[Flippy]

Don't mean to rock the boat here too much, it's a nice pep talk but this person might well be having issues that seem trivial to a 33 year old yet extremely important to him. My experience personal or not. If a young lad is that distraught over loosing his girlfriend it could be an indication that there's a lot more than meets the eye. When someone attached so much importance to a relationship that we may think of trivial it may be because it's the only thing that person has to keep afloat in a sea of other more damaging things going unseen. Loosing that can be extremely destressing and the pain just as real as anyone elses! Just my 2c.

 

[Daffodil]

my recommendation would be not to tell them you want to ctb, but to keep your mind open to hope. telling them you are suicidal will cause lots of problems for you, but you are young so there's lots of chances for things to get better for you - keep an open mind to that an grab onto hope if you can find it.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

At first I was angry at you for your response to the OP and the OP's pain. But then I wondered, who spoke to you the way you're speaking to the OP? Who showed you no compassion when you were in pain and instead told you that others have it worse and to get yourself together?

SS is a place where people share their pain to receive the compassionate support they cannot receive elsewhere. It is impossible to feel supported or motivated in a place of condemnation, except motivated to get away from it.

I am so sorry for what you suffered. And I am sorry that the OP is suffering. I send you both compassion and acceptance.

 

[Flippy]

Just posting in the hope that OP will post back again! I encourage him to have a bit of a vent and chat if he's feeling up to it! Pep talk free of course! :-)
Edit: Ah the pep talk has been deleted. How nice :-)

 

[Alec]

To the creator of this thread, I'm so sorry you feel trapped. I know what it feels like too, I have a very controlling parent as well who just tries to erase absolutely everything about me that doesn't fit the "perfect image" and try to convince me those lies are the real me and my pain and the actual real me are all just in my head and are all my made up things I made up like children do, even though I'm 22 now, almost 23. Honestly it feels like the worst thing in the world, I can't breath, sometimes literally. I'm sorry your childhood was full of bullying, you didn't deserve it! You deserved to be happy as a child! And I'm sorry your parents don't have any idea about mental health, people like that are the worst, mine is like that also.
Whatever you choose to do I want you to know that I love you, and I'm with you, and I'm sorry about your girlfriend and college, but those things don't define you, I know it's easy for me to say it on another side of your life, just reading about it on the screen but the truth is the only things that define you are the things that are inside you, and I think you have bravery and strength and plenty of it! To be fighting what you are fighting right now just to survive the day, and suicide isn't for weak people either. I think you are incredible! I love you❤

 

[Jean4]

First, I am very happy you are posting, and welcome to the forum.

I hear your pain. I understand your pain.

Two words jumped out of your post, and they were 'scared' and 'unprepared.'

No offense, but those words tell me that you are not ready.

This horrible event just happened. You are rightfully in shock.

My suggestion. Give the therapy a chance. Vent here. We understand.

Just remember. When it is time, you will have no doubts.

We are here should you need us.

 

[martin8383784]

Yes indeed I sounded way to harsh. Indeed we're not here to compare our suffering because it is a matter of personal experience. And yes, there is no compassion in this world or at least not enough.
I'm new to this forum so I am not really aware of the accepted language here so sorry about that.
Anyway I'd like to know more about OP's cause of suffering and age so I can provide some helpful advice

 

[Alec]

At first I was angry at you for your response to the OP and the OP's pain. But then I wondered, who spoke to you the way you're speaking to the OP? Who showed you no compassion when you were in pain and instead told you that others have it worse and to get yourself together?

SS is a place where people share their pain to receive the compassionate support they cannot receive elsewhere. It is impossible to feel supported or motivated in a place of condemnation, except motivated to get away from it.

I am so sorry for what you suffered. And I am sorry that the OP is suffering. I send you both compassion and acceptance.

Your reaction to "that comment" is beautiful and right, and the one I should've had as well, instead I just got angry. Thank you for being better.

 

[Flippy]

Yes indeed I sounded way to harsh. Indeed we're not here to compare our suffering because it is a matter of personal experience. And yes, there is no compassion in this world or at least not enough.
I'm new to this forum so I am not really aware of the accepted language here so sorry about that.
Anyway I'd like to know more about OP's cause of suffering and age so I can provide some helpful advice

That's very good of you to say. Welcome to the forum. I haven't been here all that long myself but it really does strike me as a very humane and safe place. I think it's just wise to try to walk in a person's shoes for even 5 minutes before posting! :-)

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

OP, you said you had quite a list of issues before the breakup and the academic suspension. It sounds to me like your parents are controlling rather than compassionate, which leads me to think this is a long-term pattern. It also sounds like you are under their control now because you don't have the means to live independently. It also seems that you have had suicidal ideation for a long time but not the true desire to act on it. It sounds like cbt is a reaction rather than a response.

If this is correct, what to do? You can use outpatient to talk through how to become autonomous from controlling people, even when you're under their roof. You can refuse meds and ask for help in learning how to manage feelings, how to exist autonomously from others, how to figure out what you want, how to set goals, and how to learn how to do things constructively rather than reactively. You didn't learn such management skills from your parents, but you can learn them now.

I suggest you do not ever threaten cbt to a mental health professional, they may required by law to report, and I know from experience that psych wards are depressing places where many staff members are abusive, as well as some patients, and you will be potentially be coerced if not forced to go on meds. I realize you may have a reactive response to such warnings, and get into a deeper hole. That's why I suggest what I do in the above paragraph.

I hope something that I wrote was beneficial, or that you at least felt supported. I'm sorry for what you have gone through and are going through now. I wish good things for you, especially peace and self-determination, but what's most important is what you wish for yourself.

 

[enjoy]

So you are forced to go through therapy with your parents? That sounds like an exercise in pointlessness! I've been there, me my sisters and my abusive mother -running the show. Prepped us on what to say on the way there every week, while she did her little act to make sure she looked like the poor mummy trying to help her damaged children! Caused way more harm!
Can you demand to see a therapist on your own? I don't know how old you are but I imagine you are at an age where you should have the right to some privacy and heck, maybe without your parents managing the show the therapist might have a hope in hell of helping you!

i'm 18. i will probably be talking to the therapist on my own now that i'm no longer a minor. the last time i was in therapy was last summer, when i was still 17. if my mom's not in the room, i'll probably tell the therapist i want to ctb outright. if she elbows her way in somehow, though... i dunno what i'm gonna do. she'll try to convince the therapist i wasn't being serious and beat the shit out of me when we get home if i go say it while she's there.

my recommendation would be not to tell them you want to ctb, but to keep your mind open to hope. telling them you are suicidal will cause lots of problems for you, but you are young so there's lots of chances for things to get better for you - keep an open mind to that an grab onto hope if you can find it.

i've kinda reached a point where i don't care who knows that i'm suicidal anymore. i've lost everything and now, i'm ready to go.

First, I am very happy you are posting, and welcome to the forum.

I hear your pain. I understand your pain.

Two words jumped out of your post, and they were 'scared' and 'unprepared.'

No offense, but those words tell me that you are not ready.

This horrible event just happened. You are rightfully in shock.

My suggestion. Give the therapy a chance. Vent here. We understand.

Just remember. When it is time, you will have no doubts.

We are here should you need us.

my time isn't now, but it is close. i may not be ready this week, but i might be ready next week. it's gradually approaching.

 

[Jean4]

my time isn't now, but it is close. i may not be ready this week, but i might be ready next week. it's gradually approaching.

That's fine. Your time may be tomorrow. It may be a week from now. It may be a month.

Whatever that time is, it isn't today. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. When it is time... you will know.

 

[Flippy]

OP, you said you had quite a list of issues before the breakup and the academic suspension. It sounds to me like your parents are controlling rather than compassionate, which leads me to think this is a long-term pattern. It also sounds like you are under their control now because you don't have the means to live independently. It also seems that you have had suicidal ideation for a long time but not the true desire to act on it. It sounds like cbt is a reaction rather than a response.

If this is correct, what to do? You can use outpatient to talk through how to become autonomous from controlling people, even when you're under their roof. You can refuse meds and ask for help in learning how to manage feelings, how to exist autonomously from others, how to figure out what you want, how to set goals, and how to learn how to do things constructively rather than reactively. You didn't learn such management skills from your parents, but you can learn them now.

I suggest you do not ever threaten cbt to a mental health professional, they may required by law to report, and I know from experience that psych wards are depressing places where many staff members are abusive, as well as some patients, and you will be potentially be coerced if not forced to go on meds. I realize you may have a reactive response to such warnings, and get into a deeper hole. That's why I suggest what I do in the above paragraph.

I hope something that I wrote was beneficial, or that you at least felt supported. I'm sorry for what you have gone through and are going through now. I wish good things for you, especially peace and self-determination, but what's most important is what you wish for yourself.

All good advice in my opinion and I think OP is at an age where learning good models of behaviour to get through life will be a real help. Unfortunately I didn't learn them in time for reasons I've alluded to in my earlier posts hence why I'm the mess I am today. But I'm sure OP can avoid that now, I am quite envious in a way! Good luck to him! :-)

i'm 18. i will probably be talking to the therapist on my own now that i'm no longer a minor. the last time i was in therapy was last summer, when i was still 17. if my mom's not in the room, i'll probably tell the therapist i want to ctb outright. if she elbows her way in somehow, though... i dunno what i'm gonna do. she'll try to convince the therapist i wasn't being serious and beat the shit out of me when we get home if i go say it while she's there.



i've kinda reached a point where i don't care who knows that i'm suicidal anymore. i've lost everything and now, i'm ready to go.



my time isn't now, but it is close. i may not be ready this week, but i might be ready next week. it's gradually approaching.

Well my suggestion to you is that when your mother butts in uninvited remind the therapist in a calm polite but firm voice you are 18 and you wish to conduct your session in private and will not speak until she has left the room with a guarantee she won't do it again. If it doesn't work, simply rinse and repeat! She will get bored when she makes no progress or she will flip and show her true colours which will alert the therapist that something is very wrong with the parental dynamics.

You mentioned about ctb, do you have any plans or dates set to do this? Or is it something you wish you could do that may bring you some relief from what's been going on?

 

[SinisterKid]

Enough please folks. The offending comment has been removed lets move on. Thanks

 

[Flippy]

Not sure why but my posts are being added as edits again! Hope OP see them! :-)

 

[Lonely Music]

I can completely understand the "straw that broke the camel's back" concept you're talking about. My breakup was the huge catalyst that has put me over the edge. I hate when people tell me that it was just a girl, there are plenty of fish, etc. Basically they are saying "it's just a piece of straw," ignoring the thousands of other straws in your life. You have my sympathy, life is cruel and complicated. You are very young, be patient buddy.

 

[martin8383784]

my original plan was to ctb on june 1st or june 30th of this year, after my spring semester of college ended.

well, there's been a change of plans. i was just kicked out of college. long story short, i gave up on everything and failed miserably because my ex dumped me. stupid, i know, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. there's a laundry list of things wrong with me, and she was the last really good thing i had left in my life.

now, i think the day i'll ctb will be at the end of this month. i'm currently very scared and underprepared. my parents are extremely upset with me. i outright told them i wanted to kill myself; in reply, i was told not to threaten them or be so selfish... which is the typical reaction from people who don't fucking understand mental illness at all.

so far, i've only told one of my friends about my academic dismissal. the earliest i'm allowed to return is in two fucking semesters, which is a whole year from now. i wasn't even supposed to live another six months (and i'm certainly not going to, if i can help it), so that means jack shit to me. my hometown's an absolute disaster. i was endlessly bullied in high school. once i got to college, i cut everyone back home off because i met so many amazing people there. i thought i'd never be trapped here again.

well, here i fucking am! my parents are sending me to some outpatient thing. they're convinced that the reason why i'm depressed is because i don't sleep. every time i've tried to open up to a therapist, they've interjected and told them i'm just a kid with anxiety, insomnia and self-esteem issues. they've never let me tell a therapist that i'm a borderline, or that i'm depressed, or that i have body dysmorphia. i never get to say what i want to fucking say.

i'm definitely going to burst once i get to outpatient. somewhere along the line, i'll tell them i'm going to ctb soon. i'll probably be thrown in a pysch ward, and i'll probably be sedated somehow. i almost want to be completely numb. i won't care if they put me in a vegetative state. i don't care if i end up staying there there forever. either way, don't worry; i'll deactivate my account and clear my laptop's history the day of the appointment where i let loose. i'm not letting pro-life assholes ruin this place. it's one of the few safe havens out there.

i'm not entirely sure why i'm posting this. i think it's because i feel stuck. i have no one in real life to talk to. this is the only place where i feel like i can be 100% honest with people. i don't even know what my method's going to be yet. i don't like the idea of sn, and most other options are too gory and have too much risk of failure. i feel like a drug-induced demise is the only way i'll surely succeed. the idea of shooting up a fatal amount seems pretty nice, despite how easy it would probably be to revive me if i was found.

well, this thread may not mark the end, but the next one probably will. you'll know it when you see it.

thanks for reading.

As I already said I was in a situation with abusive parents. Actually they kicked me out of home for 'disobeying' them. Soon I realized this was the best thing they ever did for me. I visited my grandma in another town and started living with her and I cut all communication with my parents (not that they were looking for it anyway). I got a job and became really independent, and it really helped me improve. A lot.
So my advice to you since you are really young is to try to move out of home and maybe drop out of school/university and get a normal job, maybe this will help you get much better. Idk if you think this can help you

 

[Alec]

i'm 18. i will probably be talking to the therapist on my own now that i'm no longer a minor. the last time i was in therapy was last summer, when i was still 17. if my mom's not in the room, i'll probably tell the therapist i want to ctb outright. if she elbows her way in somehow, though... i dunno what i'm gonna do. she'll try to convince the therapist i wasn't being serious and beat the shit out of me when we get home if i go say it while she's there.

We have fight people like that, somehow in someway, please please please stay safe and take care of yourself first! Remember you and your well being comes first! Her and her opinion doesn't matter! You do you, you say what you have to say! And you take care of yourself! Stay brave, stay strong!
I had to fight off mine too far too many times, I've lost count, still have to do it.
Because of a certain situation I wasn't able to start living on my own the second I hit 18 , but boy do I wanna be free, one way or another way free, live alone in charge of my life or ctb and free.

 

[Flippy]

As I already said I was in a situation with abusive parents. Actually they kicked me out of home for 'disobeying' them. Soon I realized this was the best thing they ever did for me. I visited my grandma in another town and started living with her and I cut all communication with my parents (not that they were looking for it anyway). I got a job and became really independent, and it really helped me improve. A lot.
So my advice to you since you are really young is to try to move out of home and maybe drop out of school/university and get a normal job, maybe this will help you get much better. Idk if you think this can help you

I
If that's an option for OP I suggest he explore it. In my situation it was similar, however my narc mother had isolated us from our extended family for over a decade. I had nowhere safe to go on any one of my expulsions from the home. She'd usually have all of my money or most of it anyway so I didn't really have any safety. I may have escaped so to speak but I was up the creek without any paddle or a boat of any description. I would only recommend OP move out if he has somewhere safe to go and a place from where to build support for himself. If that makes sense? :-)

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

i'm 18. i will probably be talking to the therapist on my own now that i'm no longer a minor. the last time i was in therapy was last summer, when i was still 17. if my mom's not in the room, i'll probably tell the therapist i want to ctb outright. if she elbows her way in somehow, though... i dunno what i'm gonna do. she'll try to convince the therapist i wasn't being serious and beat the shit out of me when we get home if i go say it while she's there.



i've kinda reached a point where i don't care who knows that i'm suicidal anymore. i've lost everything and now, i'm ready to go.

Regarding the first quoted paragraph: If you are in the States, as soon as you arrive for your next therapy appointment request a Relase of Information. You can just call it an ROI, the staff/therapist will know what you mean, your mom won't. It will ask who you do and don't want information to go to. You can make it clear that the therapist is not to communicate with your mother in any way. Then she will not be able to push her way in, and if anyone lets her, then the therapist can lose their license if you report them.

Regarding the second paragraph, I get where you're coming from. However, please consider what will happen if you tell a mental health professional you want to cbt. You will have even less self-control and self-determination than you do now. I *get* what your mother is like, she sounds like mine. And I get wanting to escape. And that such situations are the cause of any depression you may have if you do have it. But if you tell a therapist you're suicidal, you won't be able to escape from a psych unit except on their terms. It sounds like you don't have anywhere to escape to or you'd already be there, and you're in a volatile and abusive environment. It's so hard! In that case, please consider the advice I previously posted about how therapy can help you. Explain to the therapist what your living situation is like and see if there are empowering alternatives, some kind of housing or financial support that will get you out of the abuse and into a situation that will get you to a place of self-sufficiency.

 

[martin8383784]

and also never ever tell anyone you are suicidal. People will draw wrong conclusions and judge you without being aware of your reasons. I guess here is a good place to discuss that sort of things

 

[Worndown]

my original plan was to ctb on june 1st or june 30th of this year, after my spring semester of college ended.

well, there's been a change of plans. i was just kicked out of college. long story short, i gave up on everything and failed miserably because my ex dumped me. stupid, i know, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. there's a laundry list of things wrong with me, and she was the last really good thing i had left in my life.

now, i think the day i'll ctb will be at the end of this month. i'm currently very scared and underprepared. my parents are extremely upset with me. i outright told them i wanted to kill myself; in reply, i was told not to threaten them or be so selfish... which is the typical reaction from people who don't fucking understand mental illness at all.

so far, i've only told one of my friends about my academic dismissal. the earliest i'm allowed to return is in two fucking semesters, which is a whole year from now. i wasn't even supposed to live another six months (and i'm certainly not going to, if i can help it), so that means jack shit to me. my hometown's an absolute disaster. i was endlessly bullied in high school. once i got to college, i cut everyone back home off because i met so many amazing people there. i thought i'd never be trapped here again.

well, here i fucking am! my parents are sending me to some outpatient thing. they're convinced that the reason why i'm depressed is because i don't sleep. every time i've tried to open up to a therapist, they've interjected and told them i'm just a kid with anxiety, insomnia and self-esteem issues. they've never let me tell a therapist that i'm a borderline, or that i'm depressed, or that i have body dysmorphia. i never get to say what i want to fucking say.

i'm definitely going to burst once i get to outpatient. somewhere along the line, i'll tell them i'm going to ctb soon. i'll probably be thrown in a pysch ward, and i'll probably be sedated somehow. i almost want to be completely numb. i won't care if they put me in a vegetative state. i don't care if i end up staying there there forever. either way, don't worry; i'll deactivate my account and clear my laptop's history the day of the appointment where i let loose. i'm not letting pro-life assholes ruin this place. it's one of the few safe havens out there.

i'm not entirely sure why i'm posting this. i think it's because i feel stuck. i have no one in real life to talk to. this is the only place where i feel like i can be 100% honest with people. i don't even know what my method's going to be yet. i don't like the idea of sn, and most other options are too gory and have too much risk of failure. i feel like a drug-induced demise is the only way i'll surely succeed. the idea of shooting up a fatal amount seems pretty nice, despite how easy it would probably be to revive me if i was found.

well, this thread may not mark the end, but the next one probably will. you'll know it when you see it.

thanks for reading.

You can demamd to talk to the therapist alone. It is your right. If you do not sign a ROI naming them individually, the therapist cannot discuss you with them.
You do need to take charge and that will not be easy. Nothing is...

 

[Flippy]

and also never ever tell anyone you are suicidal. People will draw wrong conclusions and judge you without being aware of your reasons. I guess here is a good place to discuss that sort of things

I might add that at the age of 18 a lot can change between then and the decrepit specimen I am today, if OP is getting very strong urges I would recommend he reach out to a suicide hotline or mental health professional. I would say exhaust all other options before you take the ultimate one. 18 years may seem old now just wait until you can double that and more. I hope OP will get the life he wants and deserves and will find a great girl to spend it with! It's all still possible particularly at that age! :-)

 

[Quarky00]

You were silenced , confronted , and kicked out eveywhere – home, college, gf, therapy – dead end!.. Understandable ctb is a solution :)

Do what you want.... just do it WISELY

• If ctb -- plan well, hide it.
  • Failure means extra suffering (disability; psych ward; and more), with -
  • Less options to really exit, as you want to
• Outpatient – go back home evenings & nights (or generally free)
  • You'll get some therapy that is not traditional "talking" (like you hate) + personal approach.
  • You may get social worker, they're not there to "fix you" like other, nice people, they'd find solutions inside/outside the system.
  • That won't solve problems, but you won't be confronted 24/7. This may ease things -- for you to later do as you wish .......
• Inpatient (psych ward) – you will be locked, not much personal attention, and won't be released until say "I won't ctb".
  • You may be given pills that won't suit you , just to "quiet down" your "suicidal thoughts" .
  • You will be supervised and monitored for everything..
  • Some patient around you will be psychotic. May increase anxiety/distress/scared.
  • You may be considered "uncooperative" , treated harshly , suffer even more (yeah that's possible) , silenced more , without an option to exit .

If you want to ctb -- at least censor the fact that it's urgent . Talk about despair and wishing to die , take it out , just don't make threats . Or say "going to do it". Other than that , do insist on your rights , and do presist on stating how you feel . Don't be silenced . But don't f** yourself .

Not telling you what to do -- just play your cards right :)

 

[Flippy]

The bottom line here is that you are a human being! You have every right to follow your dreams, get job, go to college/uni, join the circus, the army etc etc. I wonder how many times anyone has asked YOU what you want to do? And if they do, do they pay the slightest bit of attention? Or do they ridicule your answer? If you are never allowed to express your wishes or someone decides them for you then you are being controlled and it's a form of abuse. In life it's you whom should decide what you do, without that you aren't really living and no wonder ctb looks so inviting in that situation. My view, you need to claw back every part of your person, from those who have taken it and say 'this is my life and I'm going to live it now!' hopefully while standing in front of a VW Bus festooned with surf boards! Ya get the idea!!(?).