Venting i give up

[willitpass]

everything i say is wrong. everything i do hurts someone. i can't do things right. i don't want to do it anymore. but there isn't anything i can do. i feel so trapped. i have to hold out until christmas. last year i attempted to ctb before christmas bc i was so desperate and then i ended up in a facility for nine months. it wasn't fair to my family then and it definitely isn't fair to give them another holiday season of hell. i have to wait. i will not let myself be that selfish

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, it is painful when things keep on getting worse. I also feel done with life. Of course ctb is not selfish in any way, we have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing, it is our life, our decision and nobody else has any say in it. It is awful to feel trapped, none of us should have to feel like that. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

Did you talk to your family about how you see yours actions, yourself in relations with them? If you not maybe you should try?Maybe they see this differently?I don't now detalis of your situation but your death and grief bound to that event will be much worse burden to them than yours daily mistakes and even fights with them. You are not the burden. Love is very complicate emotion. Sometimes we hurt our loved ones or make many mistakes in our relations but this don't make us less important and valuable to them.One of main traits of love is forgivness. Whatever you had done to them you deserve to be loved and I'm sure deep in their hearts they love you. You are unique and irreplaceable person. You are one of a kind especially for them. You are not selfish you are full of pain and this pain, your emotions matters.

 

[willitpass]

Did you talk to your family about how you see yours actions, yourself in relations with them? If you not maybe you should try?Maybe they see this differently?I don't now detalis of your situation but your death and grief bound to that event will be much worse burden to them than yours daily mistakes and even fights with them. You are not the burden. Love is very complicate emotion. Sometimes we hurt our loved ones or make many mistakes in our relations but this don't make us less important and valuable to them.One of main traits of love is forgivness. Whatever you had done to them you deserve to be loved and I'm sure deep in their hearts they love you. You are unique and irreplaceable person. You are one of a kind especially for them. You are not selfish you are full of pain and this pain, your emotions matters.

i have been in therapy almost my entire life. i have talked about my feelings in every way to everyone. i have worked through these feelings time and time again. i know they are thought distortions but i'm too tired to continue to fight them. it's been years and years of fighting

 

[Hans Voralberg]

I fight with thought distortions too I know that hell too well evrything around you might go well but you inside feel that you are complete disaster and did evrything wrong.It's one of main reasons why I want CTB too. I don't want to be anxious in this state for the rest of my life. I'm so scared of this. But there is my mom and she love me so much no matter what I think or feel about myself. I fight only for her. I think you should give your mom so much love as you can. Just give yourself time and try to maintain relation with her. Spend as much time as you can with her and not overthink it too much about it just make good memories with her if you can. I'm here for you. I know you just want this cacophony of thoughts in your head to stop. Overthinking is my killer too.
I don't know how PM works or if I can use it at this point but You can always talk to me in this thread, about your thoughts and feelings or how your day was going.It will be a pleasure for me to know you better.You always find me here. You are not fighting this alone