Discussion I genuinely do love the world so much but I just cannot bear to live in it

[Maormer]

I feel like this may be a rare point of view for people who want to die to have, but I really do love life (at least in the abstract). Since my first attempt I've grown to love feeling grass between my toes, I love birds, people, and music, and flowers, and don't get me started on how much I love insects. I truly do think there is so much that life has to offer and I do not wish I was never born, I am glad I got to experience those things. The problem is not the world the problem is me. The world is beautiful but I do not know if I can bear the pain my brain puts me through. I haven't felt this way since I was 16 and had my first attempt, I can't bear to live like this. The anhedonia, depersonalization, and derealization that have grown in to a constant dull pain between my increasingly frequent anxiety attacks, the bad memories. I can still feel the rope around my neck from all those years ago, I could never escape it. I love this planet, I love my fellow humans, I love my cousins in life: plants, mammals, fungus, insects, I love the sunlight on my skin, I love my dog, and I Hate that I have to leave it all behind. It feels like such a betrayal. If I hated the world it would be so much easier to leave it. It pains me so much knowing what I'll leave behind but I do not know how long I can live this way. I want to at least make it to spring, I want to CTB outside in the woods that I've grown to love so much, listening to the water and the crickets, so I need to make it to spring. I'm really going to miss this place

 

[deathwish]

This is lovely. Hope it isn't too dismissive of me to say I hope you can your life can make up somehow. If you don't, leaving with such a love letter seems like a fine way to go

 

[rs929]

Why do you say you HAVE to leave? It's your choice and you can always stay if you want, maybe you can find more things you love and somehow give your suffering a sense of meaning.

 

[Maormer]

This is lovely. Hope it isn't too dismissive of me to say I hope you can your life can make up somehow. If you don't, leaving with such a love letter seems like a fine way to go

I honestly don't know. I've been in a very odd place ever since I attempted 7 years ago. I have developed a real love for life proper, but I've never been able to reach a point where I am living for anything. I've felt like I'm past expiration since that day. Even when I was happiest (and I was happy) I still had no desire to live long. I e been ready for death for a long time. If I could just live in a cute cabin in the woods with all my material needs met, no expectations, and no fears, I think I could live for a long time like that. But there are thing beyond my control and my brain seems to have it out to get me lol. I haven't given up yet and I refuse to die before spring, but I've been in this mental state before. I know where it ends. I've already had close calls and relapses this month, I know if I stay here too long I'll die. But I'll die knowing I lived and I feel satisfied with the amount I've experienced

 

[Crematoryy]

(1) This universe is panpsychist, which means that everything makes up a transcendent consciousness;

(2) This universe is panentheistic, which means that we are the divine being itself experiencing itself;

(3) The universe is four-dimensional, which means that anything when observed closely on an infinite loop scale becomes a fractal of exuberant complexity.

These are the only things that make me appreciate this existence. But I still hate everything she put me through, and if I could I would destroy every last spark with me. I won't miss anything that was here. It was all absurdly futile and disconnected, as well as terrifying loneliness.

 

[Maormer]

Why do you say you HAVE to leave? It's your choice and you can always stay if you want, maybe you can find more things you love and somehow give your suffering a sense of meaning.

It's like when people jump from burning buildings, I don't want to fall as much as I want to avoid being burnt. there's a difference between loving something and being happy. When I see a beetle climbing on a leave I feel such love and I feel very grateful to be related to it, but that doesn't remove any pain I feel and it doesn't make me want to stay. Im hurting and I just want the hurt to stop. I want my flesh to return to soil. I've smelled flowers, I've listened to concerts with friends, I've swam in lakes, I've listened to bees buzz, and Ive loved. I don't feel as though in dying earlier that my life was at wasted or lacking in meaning, I've experienced enough to feel it was worth it. But I know if I stay in this hurt that it will kill me.
There is something to finding meaning in suffering, but I've always been a bit of an absurdist. I don't think finding meaning is the point, I don't think meaning exists but I'm not sure you need to make your own. I think that the striving towards meaning is the point. In striving for meaning you think of the world in new ways, you look for it in odd places, and all the sudden you forget you were looking for meaning in the first place. You see the beauty of the cracks in the pavement, in the callouses on your feet, in the trash can at the bus stop and I think more than anything that is the point if there is one. I think that had for me always been a more fulfilling thing than any meaning or telos I could make up for myself. Meaning isn't my issue so much as pain is.
But what do I know. I'm probably talking out of my ass. I just don't know. Life is beautiful but I'm so tired and idk if I can cope with with this hurt again

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I honestly don't understand how anyone could love this shit-ass world. The entire world is 80% misery and hardship with 20% fleeting moments of happiness. And the misery and hardship grows a little more every year.

Even the newborn kitten's closed eyes eventually open.

 

[Maormer]

I honestly don't understand how anyone could love this shit-ass world. The entire world is 80% misery and hardship with 20% fleeting moments of happiness. And the misery and hardship grows a little more every year.

Even the newborn kitten's closed eyes eventually open.

I've felt this way for a long time before. I think it was beauty that did it for me. I developed a deep love of insects post attempt, animals that people view as dirty and creepy. The more I learned about them the more I saw them as beautiful. Their mandibles turned from clenching jaws to beautiful feats nature. Their diet of what we find gross turned Into wonder at the amazing efficiency of their digestion. I began to find their eyes, wings, and exoskeletons beautiful in a way I can't describe. And when I saw beauty in decomposition I think I started to realize to see it everywhere. The trash can at the bus stop, the cracks in the road, the bone in the woods, the pain in my arms. There's something so precious about existence. Matter and life fascinate me, death as well. This world has great suffering but I do not think that the works is primarily this. The world is mostly stone and sun and beetles and moss, all things that I can't help but find beautiful. Even humans who are so often cruel. I can't help but see myself when I look at their eyes, for better and for worse. I can't help but be curious about them and I think I'm some ways curiosity is the opposite of hate and you can be curious about anything. Humans are incredibly altruistic but we are capable of violence too, we are much like the ants I love in That way. And humans tend to be altruistic until compelled via circumstance, upbringing, or social/economic pressure, to behave unkindly. Studies of infants show that they will share even if they don't know the other infant. We as humans have great capacity for kindness. I guess what I'm saying is that it's curiosity that changed my opinions on the world

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I've felt this way for a long time before. I think it was beauty that did it for me. I developed a deep love of insects post attempt, animals that people view as dirty and creepy. The more I learned about them the more I saw them as beautiful. Their mandibles turned from clenching jaws to beautiful feats nature. Their diet of what we find gross turned Into wonder at the amazing efficiency of their digestion. I began to find their eyes, wings, and exoskeletons beautiful in a way I can't describe. And when I saw beauty in decomposition I think I started to realize to see it everywhere. The trash can at the bus stop, the cracks in the road, the bone in the woods, the pain in my arms. There's something so precious about existence. Matter and life fascinate me, death as well. This world has great suffering but I do not think that the works is primarily this. The world is mostly stone and sun and beetles and moss, all things that I can't help but find beautiful. Even humans who are so often cruel. I can't help but see myself when I look at their eyes, for better and for worse. I can't help but be curious about them and I think I'm some ways curiosity is the opposite of hate and you can be curious about anything. Humans are incredibly altruistic but we are capable of violence too, we are much like the ants I love in That way. And humans tend to be altruistic until compelled via circumstance, upbringing, or social/economic pressure, to behave unkindly. Studies of infants show that they will share even if they don't know the other infant. We as humans have great capacity for kindness. I guess what I'm saying is that it's curiosity that changed my opinions on the world

I have a difficult time reconciling your love of the world and your suicide ideation.

 

[Maormer]

I have a difficult time reconciling your love of the world and your suicide ideation.

So do I if I'm being honest, I think I love the world just not being in it. I'm in pain but being in pain doesn't make a beautiful song any less beautiful yah know? I can recognize and admire the beauty of the world and still not have the strength to continue to see it.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

So do I if I'm being honest, I think I love the world just not being in it. I'm in pain but being in pain doesn't make a beautiful song any less beautiful yah know? I can recognize and admire the beauty of the world and still not have the strength to continue to see it.

I can relate to every post you've made in this thread. I so wish I had a better brain that could fully absorb and appreciate how beautiful a lot of life is.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

Thank you for your post, it is very refreshing to read a text like this one in a place like this one where peoples are often unable to see the beauty of life because of their conditions, depression, philosophical view, etc
Personaly i always found all these things beautiful as you do, all the complex shapes in nature, the intense colors, the animals and the sounds they make, the insects and the patterns.
I plan to ctb cause of health issue mainly, yeah nature is beautiful but i can't enjoy it in a proper way, i also love life and all its manifestation and in other circumstances i would have been happy to live it to the fullest.

 

[twilightSparriw]

Loved your piece of writing! Hope you keep it going…

 

[divinemistress36]

It sounds like there is still a lot you love about life. Not to sound generic but have you been through therapy?

 

[heavysoul]

I relate quite a bit to this post. There's a lot that I enjoy in life, but I feel like I can't live only looking forward to these things when there's so much pain in between that I experience. In fact, I wrote a whole segment about this in the suicide note I'm working on:

"But now, I want to make it clear that my mind wasn't always this awful, torturous place to live in. There have been many things that have brought me joy and satisfaction in life: savoring a delicious meal, feeling the warm air on your skin on a spring or summer day, admiring the way the light shines through the trees when it's sunny, clicking the notification for the newest release from a YouTube channel or Podcast I love, binge watching a show that is oh so compelling, listening to a song that perfectly fits your mood, laughing so hard you physically can't stop yourself, watching someone laugh at a joke you made, feeling like a moment is so right you want to stay in it forever, drifting off to sleep after a fulfilling day… but the truth is, I couldn't see myself only living looking forward to these moments anymore. It's like living for the weekends— what about the five days in between— those ~260 days out of a year? I just have to push through my misery every other time? I couldn't bear the reality that, most of the time, my mind is spiraling, Earth's conditions are not fun, and I'm suffering."

 

[Maormer]

It sounds like there is still a lot you love about life. Not to sound generic but have you been through therapy?

I'm on a bit of a wait list rn, dealing with insurance bs lol, but yah. I was in therapy for a while but I found it didn't help much. But recently my sister got engaged and that sounds unrelated but if I die bed her wedding it will ruin it. I'm supposed to be one of her bridesmaids and if I CTB then I fear my absence would haunt that event. I need to make it until after her wedding so I'm lookin into therapy to help me make it to that day