Discussion I finally feel free because I chose when to die

[farawaystar]

I've been on here for a while now. Read a lot. Talked to some people. But I never really posted properly until now.

I have BPD. Officially diagnosed not long ago but I've had it for years without knowing what it was. Just knew something was wrong with me. That something made everything heavy.

I tried to make it work. Studied. Got a degree. Got a job. Did everything I was supposed to do. But the weight never left. If anything it just got worse.

I came back home because I couldn't keep pretending anymore. Not because I wanted to come home. Because I wanted to die.

Now I'm 22. I have four psychiatrists who think I'm fine. I smile and tell them the suicidal thoughts are gone. They don't know I've already set a date. End of April. That's when I'm going to jump from a bridge. 45 meters onto asphalt. Quick and certain.

I'm an atheist. I don't believe in anything after. Just nothingness. That's what gives me peace. More than any meds ever did.

Since I decided to go, I started feeling things I never let myself feel before. Sexually. I want to be dominated by a woman. Rough. Mean. Like I'm nothing. I want to try it before I leave. Might sound strange to some but I don't care anymore. I just want to experience what I never let myself have.

I'm not looking for anyone to stop me. Just wanted to put this somewhere. Where people might understand. Or at least not pretend they do.

If you've been through something similar. Or you get it. I'm here to talk. While there's still time.

 

[Slipknot_XV]

Me da pena leer tu mensaje, pero al menos veo que tienes claro lo que quieres. Te deseo lo mejor y espero que todo salga como lo has planeado. Yo tampoco espero estar por aquí mucho tiempo, pero si necesitas desahogarte mientras tanto, puedes contactarme para lo que necesites. Cuídate y mucha suerte.