I feel ungrateful

[fieryending]

I have so many good things in my life right now and it just makes me feel ungrateful to be sitting in my sister's house on an online suicide forum. I'm probably not ending my life. I have too much on my plate right now and I need to find a healthier way to deal with it. Suicide is always there, like a big brother that always listens. Piano teacher doesn't like a song I play? Just kill myself. Get a grade I'm not happy with? Just kill myself. Not get into the college I wanted? Just kill myself. Suicide is an easy answer but I don't think I should make it be the solution. Sodium nitrite or coca cola? I think coca cola sounds better to drink than a salty death juice. I really just want things in my life to be stable right now. I have a roof over my head, food and clean water. I think about people that don't have that all the time and it makes me feel like a shitty human being to lay here on this nice couch with a $200 laptop and want to end it all. It sucks that I can want to end everything but have enduring everything be the best option, just not the most desirable one. I want to want to live. I don't completely want to die.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Perfectly understandable position. Suicide is a legitimate option that is not to be taken lightly.

 

[Astral316]

CTB isn't for everyone, tbf.

 

[Cook]

I have so many good things in my life right now and it just makes me feel ungrateful to be sitting in my sister's house on an online suicide forum. I'm probably not ending my life. I have too much on my plate right now and I need to find a healthier way to deal with it. Suicide is always there, like a big brother that always listens. Piano teacher doesn't like a song I play? Just kill myself. Get a grade I'm not happy with? Just kill myself. Not get into the college I wanted? Just kill myself. Suicide is an easy answer but I don't think I should make it be the solution. Sodium nitrite or coca cola? I think coca cola sounds better to drink than a salty death juice. I really just want things in my life to be stable right now. I have a roof over my head, food and clean water. I think about people that don't have that all the time and it makes me feel like a shitty human being to lay here on this nice couch with a $200 laptop and want to end it all. It sucks that I can want to end everything but have enduring everything be the best option, just not the most desirable one. I want to want to live. I don't completely want to die.

DO you believe in an afterlife ?

 

[Blackjack]

Maybe go spend some time in the Recovery forum on SS?

 

[erehbus]

I understand you - went to the best private school, best college, working at a big law firm with a very good salary and wanting to kill myself everyday for the past 12 years or so... Some times I feel like suicide is my way ofatoning for taking all the oportunities out of people who could be making better of them - having every single one of those things and wanting to end it all makes it harder for me to keep on living, as contradictory as that sounds.

 

[Blackjack]

I understand you - went to the best private school, best college, working at a big law firm with a very good salary and wanting to kill myself everyday for the past 12 years or so... Some times I feel like suicide is my way ofatoning for taking all the oportunities out of people who could be making better of them - having every single one of those things and wanting to end it all makes it harder for me to keep on living, as contradictory as that sounds.

Interesting theory.

 

[-Link-]

Depression does not discriminate. It doesn't care what you have or don't have in your life.

I understand where you are coming from and feel this way, myself, quite often, but the reality is, we should try not to beat ourselves up about it.

 

[Return2Dust]

I understand you - went to the best private school, best college, working at a big law firm with a very good salary and wanting to kill myself everyday for the past 12 years or so... Some times I feel like suicide is my way ofatoning for taking all the oportunities out of people who could be making better of them - having every single one of those things and wanting to end it all makes it harder for me to keep on living, as contradictory as that sounds.

The more money I made, the worse I felt. Sitting on the back deck of my house overlooking the water, I said if this is as good as it gets - I don't want to be here anymore. Nothing fills the hole.