Venting I feel too guilty to cbt. I feel guilt of leaving my two kids behind without their mom. But lately I've really have felt so alone.

[m13here]

I feel guilt of leaving my two kids behind without their mom. But lately I've really have felt so alone.
I've dealt with depression on and off since I was 18 (42 now). Lately I just feel like I have hit rock bottom. And to be honest I feel like I would fail at taking my life because I seem to fail at everything I do. I don't know how to succeed at it.
Plus I keep feeling guilty of leaving my kids behind.
I've struggled all my life with acceptance. And past few years my husband's family always take little digs at me like I'm not good enough. He never stands up for me. I feel all alone and lately I feel like I have hit rock bottom and no one cares to even notice. I feel like I have completely hit rock bottom.
I am good at keeping my feelings hidden within me. And I have tried to explain my feelings and I feel like everything has been turned around to being my fault. I'm tired of being the blame. It's getting old.
I'm stuck and don't know where to turn or where to go. Sorry, I just needed to vent to people that might actually understand me for once.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I've learned there's no such thing as rock bottom, it could always get worse. How old are your kids? Life sucks if you're only living for them now

 

[Smart No More]

Is there a trigger for your depression? Are there things that particularly make you feel unfulfilled or would you say it's more of a chemical inbalance type of issue?

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that must be a difficult and painful situation to be in. I know it is horrible when everything is hopeless and you cannot take anymore. I'm sorry you are going through this, whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[m13here]

I've learned there's no such thing as rock bottom, it could always get worse. How old are your kids? Life sucks if you're only living for them now

My son is under 10. And he closer to me than my husband. My daughter is a teen. So she's your typical teen that stays in her all day when she's home. I just hate the idea of them having no mom. But I am that person that is too nice to hurt or let others down. I'm starting to see that there's no rock bottom these past few days.

 

[m13here]

Is there a trigger for your depression? Are there things that particularly make you feel unfulfilled or would you say it's more of a chemical inbalance type of issue?

A lot is when someone just makes me feel unworthy, or blames all the problems onto me, and just feel like I'm unwanted. Just so many things that go so deep all the way back to my childhood.

I can imagine that must be a difficult and painful situation to be in. I know it is horrible when everything is hopeless and you cannot take anymore. I'm sorry you are going through this, whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Thank you! It is so painful and difficult. I just hit this spot lately where I feel so alone in very sad place. Hard to describe. I usually don't tell many people how deep my emotions/feelings go for fear of being ridiculed and no one even really caring.

 

[Soapie]

that guilt is so harsh. im so sorry you have to go through this . i really hope you find the peace you deserve. its not fair for someone t o suffer that long

 

[m13here]

that guilt is so harsh. im so sorry you have to go through this . i really hope you find the peace you deserve. its not fair for someone t o suffer that long

Thank you. I agree!

 

[Smart No More]

I can relate to having issues that go way back to childhood. In some ways, in my case they shaoed me and me somebody I became proud of. Obviously all cases differ but just remember that these things don't dictate your worth. I found eventut comfort in learning the psychology/motivations behind the actions of the people that wronged me. This may be harder if the abuse is of a sexual nature as it's hard ro u derstand that mindset. That aside however, there is a psychological process that motivates peoples actions to treat others terribly. Often it because of insecurities, selfishness and an odd enjoyment some get in the moment from losing their shit and hurting others. It's self serving and no reflection on you. It would be terribly unfair for their actions to push you to ctb. If I could offer advice it would be to distance yourself from your abusers as much as possible (I understand the issues this causes with family but it's better than dying or living in sadness). Spwnd some time doing your own thing. Find some things you enjoy and get to know yourself outside of the overbearing influence of them. It probably won't take long to start finding a fresher, free'er outlook and start enjoying your own company. At that point you can start putting yourself out there to meet new people. Kust never judge yourself on other insecurities that they project onto you. Expect to make some mistakes but own them and learn from them and eventually everything will start making more sense in your world and you'll gain strength from it. Don't allow your insecurities to rule you. Instead use your abusers as a guide on what not to do.

I'm sorry if that's patronising! I'm assuming you're relatively young and I'm kind of making some assumptions about your situation based on my own experiences. If I'm missing the mark I'm still certain in the advice that others views and actions don't dictate your worth. Only you in your actions and motivations can do that. :)

 

[m13here]

I can relate to having issues that go way back to childhood. In some ways, in my case they shaoed me and me somebody I became proud of. Obviously all cases differ but just remember that these things don't dictate your worth. I found eventut comfort in learning the psychology/motivations behind the actions of the people that wronged me. This may be harder if the abuse is of a sexual nature as it's hard ro u derstand that mindset. That aside however, there is a psychological process that motivates peoples actions to treat others terribly. Often it because of insecurities, selfishness and an odd enjoyment some get in the moment from losing their shit and hurting others. It's self serving and no reflection on you. It would be terribly unfair for their actions to push you to ctb. If I could offer advice it would be to distance yourself from your abusers as much as possible (I understand the issues this causes with family but it's better than dying or living in sadness). Spwnd some time doing your own thing. Find some things you enjoy and get to know yourself outside of the overbearing influence of them. It probably won't take long to start finding a fresher, free'er outlook and start enjoying your own company. At that point you can start putting yourself out there to meet new people. Kust never judge yourself on other insecurities that they project onto you. Expect to make some mistakes but own them and learn from them and eventually everything will start making more sense in your world and you'll gain strength from it. Don't allow your insecurities to rule you. Instead use your abusers as a guide on what not to do.

I'm sorry if that's patronising! I'm assuming you're relatively young and I'm kind of making some assumptions about your situation based on my own experiences. If I'm missing the mark I'm still certain in the advice that others views and actions don't dictate your worth. Only you in your actions and motivations can do that. :)

I understand what you are saying. I think I have come to believe what others have said to me over the years is true. I've learned that in some way everything is my fault somehow.
I'm not quite to the middle age but not far off. I used to just go hide when I was a child and hope nobody would find me and plus just a safe way for me to cry. I grew up a lot wanting to be alone because of how so many people treating me like I didn't exist or shouldn't exist. But yet deep down I don't want to be alone. I fear failure of suicide. And I am a little scared of dying this way because of more judgement from others. It's so hard to describe. But thank you for your insights. :)
In all I just want to feel happiness for once and to feel like I actually matter to someone for the first time.

 

[ChaseIt]

I find it highly admirable to continue to struggle through your misery for the sake of your kids. Shows you have empathy. Which is what I find so ironic about this board, you will find more compassion and empathy here than probably any other forum on the net. I seriously believe the decent people are suffering because of the actions of narcissistic assholes.

 

[m13here]

I find it highly admirable to continue to struggle through your misery for the sake of your kids. Shows you have empathy. Which is what I find so ironic about this board, you will find more compassion and empathy here than probably any other forum on the net. I seriously believe the decent people are suffering because of the actions of narcissistic assholes.

Thank you and you really are true. So many narcissist aholes out there. A lot like to put you down and make you feel worthless. I have noticed a lot compassion on here and I think that's what encouraged me to vent my thoughts/emotions on here. I struggle with that. Thank you because you made me feel better about myself.

 

[gomenasai]

Yes, it gets even harder when we don't want to hurt the people we care about. Life is random and often cruel. Whatever your decision will be, may you find peace.