Venting I feel the evilness in me. It hurts.

[goodbye-to-a-world]

Lately I've been having previously unimaginable thoughts. I've been skipping over being annoyed to just being straight livid, sometimes over the smallest things. When I say small, I genuinely mean it. Like if someone makes a comment (online) that is wrong or I deem annoying or stupid, I have to fight the urge to write a vile comment in reply or DM them to ctb and tear them to shreds like a starving lion. It could literally be as simple as them leaving a passive aggressive smiley face to end a comment or using sentence case on every word. Fortunately it hasn't bled into my real life, but I think that's just because I don't have friends and I don't leave home.

I can actually feel it when it happens. I feel my blood pressure rise and my jaw clenches and my head starts to swim. I get so agitated. I can't stim properly to alleviate the rage because I'm afraid of causing damage to property or hurting myself in a way I can't afford. I hate the way it feels. It feels like I'm gonna explode. Mentally, it scares me. I'm so aware of it and I know these thoughts aren't normal or okay, but I can't do anything to stop them. I know it could extend into harming myself, but I don't know if it would ever reach a point of harming someone else. I hope not. I'm trying to not let it.

But sometimes, I sincerely wish I could just... give in. Succumb to the madness. Go absolutely crazy. End up committed for life just to make the world burn. The feeling itself hurts enough, but fighting it has been getting harder and harder. It's wearing me down. I feel like I could snap at any second. It's like it's clawing its way out and I feel it all. Maybe if I just let go, I could release the pressure. I don't think I could handle the consequences of that, though.

I hate being so self aware. I hate having such a strong moral compass. I hate that I fear the trouble I'd bring from speaking my true thoughts. It makes it so much worse. I feel guilty and I haven't even done anything. Maybe it's the remnants of my Christian upbringing denying me that freedom. Maybe that's the only reason I have any shame.

The intrusive thoughts are slowly becoming just thoughts now. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it's hurting me not to. I don't want to be a bad person, but I'm sick of bad people having no consequences and living lavishly. I think I definitely have gotten more radicalized this year, but I don't want to turn that into violence. My mind does, but I can't let it. Maybe it's better if I just take myself out before it gets to that point... I don't know if I can ever repair this part of myself.

 

[OOUUneverover]

Same. My intrusive thoughts are no longer intrusive but at the front of my mind.

 

[MrNobody88]

Every human being has had terrible thoughts they would never share with another soul. Your thoughts don't define you, your actions do. You're not alone in battling evil thoughts as cliché as that sounds its very true. Hold the line and don't act on your anger, it will only stress you out and lead to terrible consequences. I've experienced what your going through and I have had some extreme self-reproach. Which reminded me that I am not a psychopath and I actually don't want to hurt people. I was just having a bad day.

One thing that will help is to stop arguing with people online. It is an exercise in futility and nothing of value will come of it. All the insanity and arguing online isn't your war, just let it go. This is a change you can make that will improve your mental health, I'm hoping things will get better for you man! Be safe out there.