Venting I feel so much anger and resentment at my parents for bringing me into this world

[ScorpiusDragon]

They had me because they looked around and saw all their friends having kids. And once they had me, they saw all their friends signing their kids up for these education cram courses and trying to groom their kids to be rich Ivy League graduate doctors, so they decided to do the same exact thing to me.
I feel so much anger whenever I think about it. All those beatings, threats, screaming sessions, etc. What the fuck for?
Sometimes, I wish I could kill myself just to spite them. It would be a huge loss of face for them if their perfect little Ivy League daughter died by suicide. Gasp. What would their friends say?
When I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, the first thing my mother said to me when I got out of the hospital was that I was embarrassing her in front of all her friends.
Because in the end, that's all they cared about. How they looked to their friends. They never loved me. They only loved the idea of me. The idea of the perfect Ivy League daughter they could show off to everyone, so everyone can praise them for their "amazing" parenting.
They never even fucking knew me. And you have to ask yourself, how can you love someone you don't even know?
It drives me insane when other Asian Americans say shit like "Your parents did it out of love" or "Think of everything they sacrificed." Oftentimes, these people were similarly abused by their own parents, but they justify the abuse with "my parents did it out of love." Sometimes, I want to shake them by the shoulders and scream in their faces, "BITCH! THEY DID IT FOR THEMSELVES. THEY HAD ME SO THEY COULD VALIDATE THEIR OWN EXISTENCES!!!! HOW ELSE CAN YOU JUSTIFY A MISERABLE 9-5 EXISTENCE, UNLESS YOU HAVE A CHILD (AKA BRAGGING RIGHTS TROPHY) TO COME HOME TO?"

 

[Baskol1]

Yes, your parents seem to be a classical case of narcissists. Because they only care about your success, they dont really love you. Only what they can get from you. So when they dont get much from you, they get very angry.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Yes, your parents seem to be a classical case of narcissists. Because they only care about your success, they dont really love you. Only what they can get from you. So when they dont get much from you, they get very angry.

Exactly! It drives me insane that this is often justified in Asian culture. Parents are god and can't be wrong. And if I dare disagree with this, I'm the unfilial and ungrateful child. I mean, gee, I really should be grateful for all the cuts and bruises my parents gave me for getting a 96 on that math exam. Or threatening to abandon me by the street because I got a 91 on that science exam.

 

[Baskol1]

Exactly! It drives me insane that this is often justified in Asian culture. Parents are god and can't be wrong. And if I dare disagree with this, I'm the unfilial and ungrateful child. I mean, gee, I really should be grateful for all the cuts and bruises my parents gave me for getting a 96 on that math exam. Or threatening to abandon me by the street because I got a 91 on that science exam.

Yes, this is not very healthy. If my parents were middle class asian parents i would probably have killed myself already. Now wonder the suicide rate in asian countries is so high. Middle and upper class asians cant accept that not everyone can be a doctor it seems.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Yes, this is not very healthy. If my parents were middle class asian parents i would probably have killed myself already. Now wonder the suicide rate in asian countries is so high. Middle and upper class asians cant accept that not everyone can be a doctor it seems.

I thought about suicide a lot when I was in high school. I first started having suicidal thoughts when I was 14. I thought about hanging myself with a scarf just to escape from my parents. I didn't have the guts actually to do it though.

 

[Baskol1]

I thought about suicide a lot when I was in high school. I first started having suicidal thoughts when I was 14. I thought about hanging myself with a scarf just to escape from my parents. I didn't have the guts actually to do it though.

They would probably be shocked, not because of empathy but more because it would be bad for their reputation. But they probably would still blame you.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

They would probably be shocked, not because of empathy but more because it would be bad for their reputation. But they probably would still blame you.

Yea exactly. I think they'd be far more upset about the fact that their friends and acquaintances think they look like bad parents than the fact I'm actually dead. And yea, they'll blame me because I was an "ungrateful" child who killed herself and couldn't appreciate all the money they spent raising me.

 

[Baskol1]

Yea exactly. I think they'd be far more upset about the fact that their friends and acquaintances think they look like bad parents than the fact I'm actually dead. And yea, they'll blame me because I was an "ungrateful" child who killed herself and couldn't appreciate all the money they spent raising me.

Do they still want you to become a doctor? And why dont they realize that being a doctor isnt actually that great? I mean because of the immense pressure. Yes they do have a good salary, but doctors have a high suicide rate too.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Do they still want you to become a doctor? And why dont they realize that being a doctor isnt actually that great?

They think the only reason I became depressed and suicidal is because I disobeyed them and chose not to go to medical school. Shortly before I cut all contact with them, I confronted them about all the abuse they put me through in my childhood. My mother conveniently got amnesia and denied any of it ever happened. She claimed she succeeded as a parent because I got into an Ivy League school. She said that if I went to medical school and became a doctor, I wouldn't be depressed anymore.
I think they think being a doctor is great because all their friends wanted their kids to be doctors and they think being a doctor will mean a lot of money.

 

[Rocksandsand]

They had me because they looked around and saw all their friends having kids. And once they had me, they saw all their friends signing their kids up for these education cram courses and trying to groom their kids to be rich Ivy League graduate doctors, so they decided to do the same exact thing to me.
I feel so much anger whenever I think about it. All those beatings, threats, screaming sessions, etc. What the fuck for?
Sometimes, I wish I could kill myself just to spite them. It would be a huge loss of face for them if their perfect little Ivy League daughter died by suicide. Gasp. What would their friends say?
When I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, the first thing my mother said to me when I got out of the hospital was that I was embarrassing her in front of all her friends.
Because in the end, that's all they cared about. How they looked to their friends. They never loved me. They only loved the idea of me. The idea of the perfect Ivy League daughter they could show off to everyone, so everyone can praise them for their "amazing" parenting.
They never even fucking knew me. And you have to ask yourself, how can you love someone you don't even know?
It drives me insane when other Asian Americans say shit like "Your parents did it out of love" or "Think of everything they sacrificed." Oftentimes, these people were similarly abused by their own parents, but they justify the abuse with "my parents did it out of love." Sometimes, I want to shake them by the shoulders and scream in their faces, "BITCH! THEY DID IT FOR THEMSELVES. THEY HAD ME SO THEY COULD VALIDATE THEIR OWN EXISTENCES!!!! HOW ELSE CAN YOU JUSTIFY A MISERABLE 9-5 EXISTENCE, UNLESS YOU HAVE A CHILD (AKA BRAGGING RIGHTS TROPHY) TO COME HOME TO?"

Can you get out of this situation? Cut them out or gray rock them? They sound like complete narcissists.

Just so you know- your rage is healthy. It's a healthy and normal response to being mistreated and abused. You are allowed to be angry

 

[TAW122]

I won't lie and say that I never felt any resentment for my own parents, but at the same time, I believe they had the best intentions at the time and presumably assumed that I would grow up to be a functional normie (or maybe successful person). At least that was their intention, before the Aspergers, social anxiety and other ills that plagued me. So while I did for a short time resent the fact that I was born, I can't really hate them for doing what they did at the time (almost 3 decades ago). They did what they believed was correct with the circumstances that were handed to them and the least I can do is not to perpetuate the cycle of natalism, thus I am an antinatalist myself.

 

[Baskol1]

They think the only reason I became depressed and suicidal is because I disobeyed them and chose not to go to medical school. Shortly before I cut all contact with them, I confronted them about all the abuse they put me through in my childhood. My mother conveniently got amnesia and denied any of it ever happened. She claimed she succeeded as a parent because I got into an Ivy League school. She said that if I went to medical school and became a doctor, I wouldn't be depressed anymore.
I think they think being a doctor is great because all their friends wanted their kids to be doctors and they think being a doctor will mean a lot of money.

Many doctors arent that happy being doctors, because of the high stress. And not all doctors are multimillionaires.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Can you get out of this situation? Cut them out or gray rock them? They sound like complete narcissists.

Just so you know- your rage is healthy. It's a healthy and normal response to being mistreated and abused. You are allowed to be angry

I already cut off all contact with them 2 years ago. I'm 25 now, and I'm financially independent and living with my boyfriend.
The thing is though I don't think anyone in my life really understands. My boyfriend knows about the abuse and he said that they were shitty parents. But he sometimes tells me, "I don't understand why you are thinking so much about the past. You don't even live with them anymore and you don't see them anymore."

 

[Vegrau]

Exactly! It drives me insane that this is often justified in Asian culture. Parents are god and can't be wrong. And if I dare disagree with this, I'm the unfilial and ungrateful child. I mean, gee, I really should be grateful for all the cuts and bruises my parents gave me for getting a 96 on that math exam. Or threatening to abandon me by the street because I got a 91 on that science exam.

Omg the asian parents. Well since our culture are built around material possession, money and more money. Well what do they expect? Their children to actually care about them? They should expect their children to hate them if they only see their child as tools to get them more "prestige" and "face". But yes not all of them like that. But due to our culture its more prevalent. Also the rubbish teaching of Confucianism. Where parents are heaven and we must respect them. Well who cares. Nobody ask for this life. They choose this themselves. Dont let it get to you. We owe no one.

 

[Baskol1]

Omg the asian parents. Well since our culture are built around material possession, money and more money. Well what do they expect? Their children to actually care about them? They should expect their children to hate them if they only see their child as tools to get them more "prestige" and "face". But yes not all of them like that. But due to our culture its more prevalent. Also the rubbish teaching of Confucianism. Where parents are heaven and we must respect them. Well who cares. Nobody ask for this life. They choose this themselves. Dont let it get to you. We owe no one.

Confucianism is extremely authoritarian. But i dont think confucius said it was right to abuse children, and beat them for minor things, or did he?

 

[cryptic_cynic]

I can sympathize...one of my parents was an Asian immigrant, and while she didn't take things to the level your parents did, I know the pressure to be perfect and the authoritarian style of parenting you are talking about. I grew up walking on eggshells and never felt like my feelings or needs mattered at all, which has had a shitty effect on my development.

On top of that, my mother was very religious, which made it impossible for me to be honest about a lot of things I was going through as a kid. And of course, that instilled even more shame in me. Ironically, when she died unexpectedly when I was a teenager, my life was destroyed because I had my entire identity tied up in her, but I also felt somewhat relieved that I wouldn't have to keep struggling with the burden of her expectations and feeling obligated to make her happy.

It's ridiculous that many Asian American kids will defend such parenting, but I guess they basically are brainwashed and have stockholm syndrome, like many who have had to live under dictators.

 

[Baskol1]

I can sympathize...one of my parents was an Asian immigrant, and while she didn't take things to the level your parents did, I know the pressure to be perfect and the authoritarian style of parenting you are talking about. I grew up walking on eggshells and never felt like my feelings or needs mattered at all, which has had a shitty effect on my development.

On top of that, my mother was very religious, which made it impossible for me to be honest about a lot of things I was going through as a kid. And of course, that instilled even more shame in me. Ironically, when she died unexpectedly when I was a teenager, my life was destroyed because I had my entire identity tied up in her, but I also felt somewhat relieved that I wouldn't have to keep struggling with the burden of her expectations and feeling obligated to make her happy.

It's ridiculous that many Asian American kids will defend such parenting, but I guess they basically are brainwashed and have stockholm syndrome, like many who have had to live under dictators.

Yes many asian children defend this parenting. But how can beating for minor failures be ever right? No its not right. Beating should be the last thing to do as a parent, and only in extreme cases.

 

[Vegrau]

Confucianism is extremely authoritarian. But i dont think confucius said it was right to abuse children, and beat them for minor things, or did he?

Well he never mention it. But to him being filial to one's parents are the most important thing children can do in their lives. Filial piety is the core of his teaching. Anyone that doesnt follow that is evil. Its illegal in the past and people can be beheaded/exile/beat for it way back in the past. Its crazy the way they put parents on the pedestal like a freaking god and can do no wrong. I dont think they care what happened to the children. Because they made you so they own you.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I grew up walking on eggshells and never felt like my feelings or needs mattered at all, which has had a shitty effect on my development.

I know what you mean about walking on eggshells. My mom would often threaten to beat me for the most random things. I never felt like I knew when she was going to explode next.
Once when I was around 8, I read the book The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I remember one of the characters said "ain't" in a sentence. I thought it sounded cool so I used the word "ain't" in a sentence in front of my mom. She slapped me and threatened to beat the shit out of me because she thought I was using "black people language."

Well he never mention it. But to him being filial to one's parents are the most important thing children can do in their lives. Filial piety is the core of his teaching. Anyone that doesnt follow that is evil. Its illegal in the past and people can be beheaded/exile/beat for it way back in the past. Its crazy the way they put parents on the pedestal like a freaking god and can do no wrong. I dont think they care what happened to the children. Because they made you so they own you.

It's sort of like fraternity hazing if you think about it. The kids have no power whatsoever and are treated like shit but it's ok. Because when they grow up and have their own kids, they can do the same exact thing their parents did to them.

 

[Baskol1]

I know what you mean about walking on eggshells. My mom would often threaten to beat me for the most random things. I never felt like I knew when she was going to explode next.
Once when I was around 8, I read the book The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I remember one of the characters said, "ain't" in a sentence. I thought it sounded cool so I used the word "ain't" in a sentence in front of my mom. She slapped me and threatened to beat the shit out of me because she thought I was using "black people language."

Your Mother is absolutely crazy. Completely unhinged. And of course racist, like many narcissists. I think narcissists are pure evil. More even than sociopaths. Atleast sociopaths arent constantly offended.

 

[peacefully31425]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's a shame that so many others, including myself, have gone through similar experiences. The world would be a better place if people addressed their own problems before bringing others into this world. The problem though is that people like your parents, who I believe are narcissists, don't actually believe they are capable of having problematic worldviews; they don't see themselves as the cause for dysfunction. They experienced pain and had dysfunctional relationships during their own formative years that drove them to be the people they are now. This doesn't justify what they did to you, it's just a shame that we keep hurting our children over and over again.

No one chooses to born into this world, but we damn well have the choice to leave it.

 

[Baskol1]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's a shame that so many others, including myself, have gone through similar experiences. The world would be a better place if people addressed their own problems before bringing others into this world. The problem though is that people like your parents, who I believe are narcissists, don't actually believe they are capable of having problematic worldviews; they don't see themselves as the cause for dysfunction. They experienced pain and had dysfunctional relationships during their own formative years that drove them to be the people they are now. This doesn't justify what they did to you, it's just a shame that we keep hurting our children over and over again.

No one chooses to born into this world, but we damn well have the choice to leave it.

The only way to stop narcissists from harming you is to scare them off. You cant be too nice to them, they will sense your weakness, and use you.

 

[Rocksandsand]

I already cut off all contact with them 2 years ago. I'm 25 now, and I'm financially independent and living with my boyfriend.
The thing is though I don't think anyone in my life really understands. My boyfriend knows about the abuse and he said that they were shitty parents. But he sometimes tells me, "I don't understand why you are thinking so much about the past. You don't even live with them anymore and you don't see them anymore."

I feel very culturally ignorant here. But I will say that trauma doesn't just evaporate when you leave an abusive situation. Its insidious and permeates through everything. Unless your boyfriend happens to have a PhD in trauma psychology, he won't understand it on a level that you need. You could start trauma therapy if you want, but I acknowledge that you're here and you may feel beyond that point.

 

[Vegrau]

It's sort of like fraternity hazing if you think about it. The kids have no power whatsoever and are treated like shit but it's ok. Because when they grow up and have their own kids, they can do the same exact thing their parents did to them.

All this is because theyre using the filial piety as a traditional excuse to impose their will and strip the children of their dignity as a human being by making them thinking they owe their parents for their lives. The parents own them. It doesnt make a single sense. But people still choose to follow it. This is also why human rights didnt started in asian country.

 

[Baskol1]

I dont really believe in evil, but narcissists come very close to being absolutely evil. But of course theyre still humans, so not completely evil.

 

[suffering]

I feel you.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

You already know it but I'll say again that I'm so sorry for you, my friend

 

[Dartz]

"Don't kill yourself, think of your parents". All I can think about is fuck them, you brought me into this world now I get to decide when I leave it.

 

[LifeOver]

They had me because they looked around and saw all their friends having kids. And once they had me, they saw all their friends signing their kids up for these education cram courses and trying to groom their kids to be rich Ivy League graduate doctors, so they decided to do the same exact thing to me.
I feel so much anger whenever I think about it. All those beatings, threats, screaming sessions, etc. What the fuck for?
Sometimes, I wish I could kill myself just to spite them. It would be a huge loss of face for them if their perfect little Ivy League daughter died by suicide. Gasp. What would their friends say?
When I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, the first thing my mother said to me when I got out of the hospital was that I was embarrassing her in front of all her friends.
Because in the end, that's all they cared about. How they looked to their friends. They never loved me. They only loved the idea of me. The idea of the perfect Ivy League daughter they could show off to everyone, so everyone can praise them for their "amazing" parenting.
They never even fucking knew me. And you have to ask yourself, how can you love someone you don't even know?
It drives me insane when other Asian Americans say shit like "Your parents did it out of love" or "Think of everything they sacrificed." Oftentimes, these people were similarly abused by their own parents, but they justify the abuse with "my parents did it out of love." Sometimes, I want to shake them by the shoulders and scream in their faces, "BITCH! THEY DID IT FOR THEMSELVES. THEY HAD ME SO THEY COULD VALIDATE THEIR OWN EXISTENCES!!!! HOW ELSE CAN YOU JUSTIFY A MISERABLE 9-5 EXISTENCE, UNLESS YOU HAVE A CHILD (AKA BRAGGING RIGHTS TROPHY) TO COME HOME TO?"

Your post relates to me a lot: my parents are also Asian and pretty much the exact same thing happened to me. My parents think that I am supposed to spend my time studying and that I should not be allowed to have fun because it is a waste of time. They get mad at me when I watch TV or play video games or have fun with my friends.

One time my friend accidentally talked to me about a game while my parents were nearby, and I got punished heavily just for playing it. Since then I never had friends anymore and could not even talk to people about my true interests for fear the same thing happens again. I can thank them for the reason I am still socially awkward today.

My asshole parents do all of this just to brag to their friends about how their child is so hardworking and other shit. I really love how I am this tool they can use to make money, and the thought of the expression on their faces when this tool destroys himself gives me determination to end my own life.

 

[HGL91]

They think the only reason I became depressed and suicidal is because I disobeyed them and chose not to go to medical school. Shortly before I cut all contact with them, I confronted them about all the abuse they put me through in my childhood. My mother conveniently got amnesia and denied any of it ever happened. She claimed she succeeded as a parent because I got into an Ivy League school. She said that if I went to medical school and became a doctor, I wouldn't be depressed anymore.
I think they think being a doctor is great because all their friends wanted their kids to be doctors and they think being a doctor will mean a lot of money.

Being a doctor also means a lot of debt and doctors don't get paid as much as they used to.

——————————————————

I have a Chinese American friend, and she wanted to become a Psychologist, but her dad told her that it was "a profession for white people" because Asians don't have those problems, and he strongly advised her to go to Medical School.