Venting I feel pathetic for even wanting to CTB

[speakeasy]

I can't shake the feeling of being completely worthless to everyone I know besides being there to listen to their problems and tell jokes, and I'm exhausted. I feel incapable of doing anything that actually progresses my life forward. Being outside makes me really anxious because I was given a lot of shit for the way I look, talk and dress growing up; I don't feel any reward from creating good habits, especially in hygiene and I just can't get myself to care about money unless it could ultimately fund a way to end it.

I don't even know what I want, because I feel guilty talking to new people because I'm such a wreck. I can't hold up mentally for more than a couple days at a time if responsibilities are involved and I would do anything to relapse on alcohol right now even though I've had withdrawal seizures four times. I miss my cunt of an ex, she was a literal sociopath who emotionally abused me but she was the only love I've ever had. I wish I could just end my life already so people would stop worrying and could just move on.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I understand that it can be hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. This life really can be so tiring. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[rabbitlinnt10]

god I know that all too well, while just constantly feeling like a useless piece of shit to people and having no value, maybe an insecurity deep from within which is caused by the fear of being abandoned again, and why would that "fear" be invalid in this fucked fake superficial world

I also relate to loving someone who destroyed me and was a complete piece of shit that took advantage of every resource I had while cutting off

sry didn't mean to start venting here myself but ur post rly hit me I'm the feels ya know, this world is fucked and we deserve more, we deserve better, ain't settling for a mediocre life like this

 

[bing]

That would be your social and societal conditioning kicking in.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I can relate to a lot of watch you're saying. I don't talk to anyone, really, except store clerks and the like, because there just isn't anyone to talk to. And I guess I do, still, clean-up some when I have to go out to the stores or something. By clean-up I mean shower and sometimes shave. Nothing crazy. I don't even notice people anymore when I'm out. I just go about my business and get it done and come home. That's it. I quit drinking many, many years ago and I ain't going back to that shit. Alcohol is a depressant and I'm already freaking depressed, why would I want to add to it? I had an ex, not married, just a live-in, and I used to miss her for quite some time after we broke up. And she was a real piece of shit, too. Some years later, though, I realized that I wasn't actually missing her, but was missing having somebody. She was never right for me and I knew it, but I just didn't want to be alone. And that's a lousy reason to be with someone, just to have someone. No, she was toxic. I don't know how old you are, but the sad truth about things is that the older you get, the harder it gets to meet someone, and even make new friends.

 

[ColdPhoenix]

As feelings of worthlessness increase, introducing yourself to more people starts to feel selfish as it feels like you aren't worth even the care and attention that other people bring to you. And, because of negativity bias, it feels like nothing you pursue in life is consistent, that no meaningful progress can be made. What you have to remember is, life is a slow game. Relationships are a slow game. You have high expectations of yourself, which is also why you feel pathetic for the feelings you feel. But your real sense of value only comes after you recognize how much you fear. How much you fear not being able to pay the bills, how much you fear being lonely and isolated, and most importantly, how much you fear death. Once you directly confront how much you fear, you'll have a clear sense of what your plans for the future should be, whatever they may be. And you won't feel pathetic about the plans that you make, as you aren't making them out of some sort of failure or inadequacy, but a desire to bring peace to oneself.