I attempted back in December of 2021, around three months ago, and have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I always used my mom and my ex-boyfriend to help me emotionally when I felt like killing myself, but now I just feel even more alone. I've also realized that they can't help me either, and they always are immediately going to solutions on what I should do when sometimes I just want to be heard. But now I just feel that they're both so emotionally tired.
My ex-boyfriend responds so slow now, and the only time I feel that he's interested and has fast responses is when I send nudes. I'm not forced to do sexual things, in fact, I like it, but it's only when we're in a sexual context that he gives his full attention to me. He tells me to talk later when he's busy, but he never really follows up... Has to ask me to remind him... He's busy with school work, I understand that, but to me, it just comes off as not that genuine and just doing it because he has to, you know? I think he doesn't want to be the last message I sent before I commit suicide and live with the guilt. I acknowledge his support to try and help me because he isn't completely ignoring me and I'm not entitled to get his support when I need it, but all it does is just make me feel so lonely and abandoned. I can just tell he's just exhausted from always being my therapist, and although it's not his obligation, it still makes me feel bad... I just feel abandoned and alone, especially because he was someone who I really counted on, especially considering that he's my age.
My mom always is there for me, but only to tell me, "I love you so much," and, "You're so beautiful." She repeats how she loves me so much OVER AND OVER AND OVER and then hugs and cuddles me and then gives me some medicinal tea or syrup to calm me down that doesn't really help me to deal with my feelings. When I open up about what I'm feeling, she responds with, "How are you upset over ________?" or, "There's no reason to feel depressed over that," and then tells me all the reasons I shouldn't be worried or be upset. My feelings are never acknowledged, and deep down, I know that's really all I want... My mom told me how she feels she can't get a job and do things important in her life because she's too busy taking care of me, and it's only until I improve that she'll start working. Or sometimes she tells me that she's tired of taking care of me and that it's so exhausting for her and that she has to hide her own emotional struggles, and this is all revealed when she's in a huge emotional upheaval. But really, it just tells me a lot about how I'm just putting this huge, unnecessary burden on her. She hides it and then he unleashes her stress that I put onto her back onto me, amplified.
I had support back when I had attempted from my mom and ex, but I just have realized that I'm just the biggest burden on everyone in my life. Therapists and psychologists all sucked and didn't help: weren't bad but didn't help... and now, I'm just going to find out how to follow through with SN.
My ex-boyfriend responds so slow now, and the only time I feel that he's interested and has fast responses is when I send nudes. I'm not forced to do sexual things, in fact, I like it, but it's only when we're in a sexual context that he gives his full attention to me. He tells me to talk later when he's busy, but he never really follows up... Has to ask me to remind him... He's busy with school work, I understand that, but to me, it just comes off as not that genuine and just doing it because he has to, you know? I think he doesn't want to be the last message I sent before I commit suicide and live with the guilt. I acknowledge his support to try and help me because he isn't completely ignoring me and I'm not entitled to get his support when I need it, but all it does is just make me feel so lonely and abandoned. I can just tell he's just exhausted from always being my therapist, and although it's not his obligation, it still makes me feel bad... I just feel abandoned and alone, especially because he was someone who I really counted on, especially considering that he's my age.
My mom always is there for me, but only to tell me, "I love you so much," and, "You're so beautiful." She repeats how she loves me so much OVER AND OVER AND OVER and then hugs and cuddles me and then gives me some medicinal tea or syrup to calm me down that doesn't really help me to deal with my feelings. When I open up about what I'm feeling, she responds with, "How are you upset over ________?" or, "There's no reason to feel depressed over that," and then tells me all the reasons I shouldn't be worried or be upset. My feelings are never acknowledged, and deep down, I know that's really all I want... My mom told me how she feels she can't get a job and do things important in her life because she's too busy taking care of me, and it's only until I improve that she'll start working. Or sometimes she tells me that she's tired of taking care of me and that it's so exhausting for her and that she has to hide her own emotional struggles, and this is all revealed when she's in a huge emotional upheaval. But really, it just tells me a lot about how I'm just putting this huge, unnecessary burden on her. She hides it and then he unleashes her stress that I put onto her back onto me, amplified.
I had support back when I had attempted from my mom and ex, but I just have realized that I'm just the biggest burden on everyone in my life. Therapists and psychologists all sucked and didn't help: weren't bad but didn't help... and now, I'm just going to find out how to follow through with SN.
