I feel like I'm stuck in a prison that is life

[Cashewmilk]

Of course I'm grateful I'm not in an actual real type of prison or entrapment of any kind. But for the past 5 years, since I miserably failed my many attempts at hanging, I now feel like I'm stuck in a prison, and that prison is life, this world, this body. I've been addicted to opiates for 11 years, and cigarettes for 17 years, and I don't want to stop. It's making my physical health worse, but I just don't want to stop, it's the only escape I have from this prison. Ideally the only thing that would make me happier is more money, to be perfectly honest, and not having to worry about financial security or instability, or having to physically work hard for it, because I really can't. I've always been a weak person even as a child before the drugs and smoking, I've always been incompetent since kindergarten, I've always known deep down that I can't do this life, the way everyone else does, I'm not successful in anything. I would be the one to die out first if this was a strict ancient pre-civilization survival of the fittest scenario, I'm the one who natural selection wouldn't favor, I've always known this, and I've tried to fight it so much, but I absolutely can't do life. I just can't do it, I'm not physically or mentally capable. And being poor, weak, wanting, needing, and not having is really tough on top of all that.

I've always wanted to be an artist of some kind, but I don't think I can do it. I'm definitely not talented, I only have a passion for it, but my passion dies all the time, it's such a competitive industry that is similar to any other kind of work, so I absolutely can't do it to make money, I'm not good enough, not fast enough, and don't have enough energy or physical capacity to learn and study and practice. I feel stuck here in life because I can't kill myself. It feels too big of a task for me to do, I have failed for 15 years, I've tried for 15 years, and I've failed over and over, and I don't have the balls to try and jump off a high point or something brutal like that.

The only option I have is to keep going and keep "living", I still clean up and still plan things in my house like re-arranging furniture or spring cleaning (when I'm physically able and I never am so it takes me months to actually start a task). My living situation and family situation is volatile. It's getting worse and worse. I live with abusers, and there is just no feasible way of separating from them. My younger sister is planning to move out next year because of the abuse, and I know that will kill my mom, and my mom will blame me as well as the abusers (my older sister and her boyfriend). My mom's house is the only place I've ever known, I've never left her and she's always supported me fiancially... I'm basically walking on eggshells that is my current comfortable life (as in a roof and a warm place to sleep and eat and a caring mother), and it can all crumble in an instant any moment. I have SN, but only 50grams and I have IBS and serious internal gastric issues, but I can't get my hands on an anti emetic, I might have to look online when I get my next welfare check, but my welfare check is mostly gone before I get it, I only get to keep like 100$, especially next month since I think they're stopping the covid extra money, but these past 6 months they gave extra...but I just have so many debts and rent and expenses, it's only $580 USD a month, plus the extra for the covid that is stopping now. I don't know what to do and I feel like crying sometimes, and I haven't cried about myself or my situation in years. I used to cry a lot when I was younger, I really felt sorry for myself before...I only cry nowadays if I'm really extremely frustrated or helpless.

 

[Silvermorning]

Life is a terminal illness. Flesh is it's prison.

I've always wanted to be an artist of some kind, but I don't think I can do it. I'm definitely not talented,

The best artists, always think aren't talented enough, let others judge, before making such a final judgement.
I'm sorry about your situation; op. Cigarettes are my only vice left, but they are getting it to be more expensive everyday, and you can't hardly smoke anywhere these days. I'd like to quit, but and the same time I don't, same boat as you.
Sending you love.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I relate to most of this, except I live alone.
My whole life I've pursued art as a career.
It was easy back in the '90s, all you needed was a good portfolio. I dropped out of college. A degree definitely helps these days, but most artists are wage slaves, just like everyone else. I hear stories from my artist friends of sleeping in the office for weeks to meet near impossible deadlines. Most of them are alcoholics.

I'm just a graphic artist now. I used to draw and paint, and was very good at it, too, but the art world is dominated by wolves and sharks and vultures, and artists are just food for them, to chew up and spit out. I lost my passion years ago. Havent drawn or painted in decades.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I relate to most of this, except I live alone.
My whole life I've pursued art as a career.
It was easy back in the '90s, all you needed was a good portfolio. I dropped out of college. A degree definitely helps these days, but most artists are wage slaves, just like everyone else. I hear stories from my artist friends of sleeping in the office for weeks to meet near impossible deadlines. Most of them are alcoholics.

I'm just a graphic artist now. I used to draw and paint, and was very good at it, too, but the art world is dominated by wolves and sharks and vultures, and artists are just food for them, to chew up and spit out. I lost my passion years ago. Havent drawn or painted in decades.

That's the vibe I'm getting from just a few weeks of looking online and watching Youtube videos. I wanted to be a graphic artist too, but even that these days it's a hit and miss. I just wanted to make a small income I wasn't looking to be well off or rich, maybe just something to supplement a welfare or disability income so I can not end up on the streets hah. But even that seems far fetched. I'm more into illustration, I also like painting but I haven't done realism and I feel like I need to study that first. But it seems like a long shot, I really just would rather CTB, it would be the most wonderful thing if I could have access to a peaceful CTB in the next few years.

 

[AutoTap]

Yeh life sucks and is like a prison because it's possible to leave. But it's hard and can have many consequences.