Venting I Feel Like I’m Lying to Everyone.

[003]

Pretty much what the title states. About a month ago, I decided to go through with CTB sometime this year. Interestingly, my loved ones have noted how much happier I seem and how much better I look. It's strange to see this shift once I set my mind on CTB. I gave the hints, I sought help and I tried; so many times. Yet, I was shut down and abandoned by everyone who swore they would stick by my side. It's comical how everyone seems to be so supportive now that my mind is set. Maybe I appear happy as I finally am at peace in a way; knowing I am putting a stop to all of this soon. I don't expect anyone to understand my reasons nor do I feel like I have to explain myself. I did try. I sought help. I attended therapy for ages, attempted medication for all my diagnoses. I talked it out and confessed how I felt to multiple people. Nothing was done and I just find it interesting how they seem to think I've magically gotten "better." Maybe it's selfish of me but I don't see how they believe this lie that I'm happy and well now. I feel like I'm lying to them and like I'm giving everyone this false hope that I got out of that hole I kept mentioning. I'm beyond saving. I don't cry or breakdown like I used to. My panic attacks have ceased. I'm in an inexplicable peace.

 

[CogitoMori]

I get the same way when I have a date set. It seems like you're getting better because you actually feel better. I get this giddy, high feeling and actually have energy to accomplish goals whenever I know when I get to leave.

 

[003]

I get the same way when I have a date set. It seems like you're getting better because you actually feel better. I get this giddy, high feeling and actually have energy to accomplish goals whenever I know when I get to leave.

Yes, exactly. I'm more motivated to tie loose ends and have everything order; it's a strange peace. I just have to set my date.

 

[vitbar]

Maybe they believe it because they badly want you to be happy.

Personally I'd be worried, but most people are clueless about depression and suicidal behaviours.

 

[human909]

I get the same way when I have a date set. It seems like you're getting better because you actually feel better. I get this giddy, high feeling and actually have energy to accomplish goals whenever I know when I get to leave.

yes, exactly how i feel. It feels weird and amazing at the same time.

 

[ClippedWings]

Can't relate. I know ctb is best and soon to come (a few months), but I'm mostly infuriated and about as far from peace as the human mind can get. Consider yourself lucky.

 

[HelloDarkness25]

I can understand the feeling. I found a goodbye post that resonated so well with me, I could see myself exiting in the similar frame of mind. Somehow it gave me a tiny bit of warmth and happiness for the first time in years. It lasted the whole evening and I could see it lasting for days if I could squish my guilt and schedule CTB right then. I saved it and I read it sometimes as something to look forward to.
I have to last a little bit longer, but I'm hoping to find the same peace when my time comes.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I don't think it's necessarily that they believe you're suddenly happy, it could be because they feel that by complimenting you and saying all the positive fluff that they can somehow talk you out of it. People tend to treat others carefully sometimes when they feel one is serious in their commitment to CTB, so they try to avoid bringing up said topic or other negative things. Funny how that works.