003
Stressed
- Aug 22, 2024
- 46
Pretty much what the title states. About a month ago, I decided to go through with CTB sometime this year. Interestingly, my loved ones have noted how much happier I seem and how much better I look. It's strange to see this shift once I set my mind on CTB. I gave the hints, I sought help and I tried; so many times. Yet, I was shut down and abandoned by everyone who swore they would stick by my side. It's comical how everyone seems to be so supportive now that my mind is set. Maybe I appear happy as I finally am at peace in a way; knowing I am putting a stop to all of this soon. I don't expect anyone to understand my reasons nor do I feel like I have to explain myself. I did try. I sought help. I attended therapy for ages, attempted medication for all my diagnoses. I talked it out and confessed how I felt to multiple people. Nothing was done and I just find it interesting how they seem to think I've magically gotten "better." Maybe it's selfish of me but I don't see how they believe this lie that I'm happy and well now. I feel like I'm lying to them and like I'm giving everyone this false hope that I got out of that hole I kept mentioning. I'm beyond saving. I don't cry or breakdown like I used to. My panic attacks have ceased. I'm in an inexplicable peace.
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