sorry if this isnt the right place. i think im sinking again. i feel real bad. i was making progress and i even emailed a bunch of different councillors/therapists a month back or something trying to get a place but no one replied. i feel like im not sick enough. do i have to die to mean anything? i dont have adicitions, i dont have attempts, i dont have much to prove how bad i feel. i just need somewhere to talk. i get the right amount of sleep, i eat enojugh food, i go to class. i show up hours late, im practically nocturnal, im never hungry and im never full, im just a little lost. i feel like i mean nothing. day to day i have fun and i love my friends, but whenever im left alone i just feel really really bad.
why am i up. its almost 3am and i have to be awake at 8 to pick up my script before heading to uni, i need to sleep. but instead im looking up comparative prices of plant seeds and delivery to my house, googling case reports to see if 3 weeks worth is enough to do *anything* to me, spoiler alert, its not. somedays it feels like i see him in every man i meet. hes still got this grasp on me that i cant shake. i looked at my friends wall and i saw a photo he was in. we cut him out but i could still see his fucking hands. hes still here. he still gets a part of me. i opened up a notebook and i found drawings i did of him. I ripped them into to tiny pieces but I wasnt ready to let it go, i kept each piece in my bag, shreaded bits of him, i just contacted a sexual abuse support team, im not really sure what to do if this doesnt help, i just want him to be gone but i cant move on and i think its why i keep sinking. i dont even know if i count as being abused. i just know im lost and confused and stuck. for ttwo whole years it felt like i never left his room, way after we broke up, part of me was still there. comforting him. i left highschool and it got a little better, i felt like i had some options, i chose to work as many shifts as i was offered and get part time and drop out. last year was a whole blur, i worked 35 hour weeks and never did my uni work, i saved money and i didnt go home. this year has been eberythign ive ever wanted. i work at the coolest bar in the city, i go to art school and have great friends, i know people and i make art and go to gigs and raves, but part of me is still in his room. part of me is that stupid, hurt 15 year old who didnt know any better. part of me is still wrapping my arms around him and telling him he never did anything wrong, im not hurt and i cant lose him, part of me still has their fingers pulling the belt loose, and taking the pills out of his hands and throwing the blades out from his draw, part of me is still there supporting him even though it cost me all of what made me me. even though for two years i felt like a husk of a human. and i still kind of do. im just a husk who talks a lot more and is a lot more active, i feel like a puppet of who i once was.
why am i up. its almost 3am and i have to be awake at 8 to pick up my script before heading to uni, i need to sleep. but instead im looking up comparative prices of plant seeds and delivery to my house, googling case reports to see if 3 weeks worth is enough to do *anything* to me, spoiler alert, its not. somedays it feels like i see him in every man i meet. hes still got this grasp on me that i cant shake. i looked at my friends wall and i saw a photo he was in. we cut him out but i could still see his fucking hands. hes still here. he still gets a part of me. i opened up a notebook and i found drawings i did of him. I ripped them into to tiny pieces but I wasnt ready to let it go, i kept each piece in my bag, shreaded bits of him, i just contacted a sexual abuse support team, im not really sure what to do if this doesnt help, i just want him to be gone but i cant move on and i think its why i keep sinking. i dont even know if i count as being abused. i just know im lost and confused and stuck. for ttwo whole years it felt like i never left his room, way after we broke up, part of me was still there. comforting him. i left highschool and it got a little better, i felt like i had some options, i chose to work as many shifts as i was offered and get part time and drop out. last year was a whole blur, i worked 35 hour weeks and never did my uni work, i saved money and i didnt go home. this year has been eberythign ive ever wanted. i work at the coolest bar in the city, i go to art school and have great friends, i know people and i make art and go to gigs and raves, but part of me is still in his room. part of me is that stupid, hurt 15 year old who didnt know any better. part of me is still wrapping my arms around him and telling him he never did anything wrong, im not hurt and i cant lose him, part of me still has their fingers pulling the belt loose, and taking the pills out of his hands and throwing the blades out from his draw, part of me is still there supporting him even though it cost me all of what made me me. even though for two years i felt like a husk of a human. and i still kind of do. im just a husk who talks a lot more and is a lot more active, i feel like a puppet of who i once was.
