Venting I feel like I’m going insane

[BlackPoppet]

I keep wishing that one day I'll open my eyes and live a happy life, and that this life is just a nightmare.

Hey are you ok?

 

[Despondent]

I know exactly what you mean ❤ For me it's my brain fog. I feel like I'm trapped in a dream and that I'm not fully in the moment. That's why I'm not doing the greatest in school and why I'm slow at work I believe. Sometimes I have to pinch myself just to make sure that I'm seeing things right and that I am where I think I am ugh
That's how mine is for me. I'm sorry you're going through this ❤ I'm here if you ever need to talk. You're not crazy, life is

 

[Pan]

If you think about depersonalization and derealization these are the mind's way of keeping reality-as-threat at a safe distance; it is your animal brain's way of controlling reality. Mantras are useful when in these states, repeat the " all things must pass". And it will pass, believe me. Best to you, friend.

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

I relate so hard. Except sometimes it's the opposite where I feel like I'm the only person conscious and everyone else is just going through monotonous routines and calling it "living". No one wants to see how shitty the world is, no one wants to change it or do anything about it but me.

It's like a life simulation, where everyone is an NPC and they can't respond to anything more complicated than a hello, or what they had for breakfast, what they saw on TV etc. I wish I never became so self aware.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I relate so hard. Except sometimes it's the opposite where I feel like I'm the only person conscious and everyone else is just going through monotonous routines and calling it "living". No one wants to see how shitty the world is, no one wants to change it or do anything about it but me.

It's like a life simulation, where everyone is an NPC and they can't respond to anything more complicated than a hello, or what they had for breakfast, what they saw on TV etc. I wish I never became so self aware.

I know exactly where you are coming from! I feel the exact same way! I look at people who are happy to be sheep, who love their bread and circus and reality tv and surface level s*** and I think...... You mofos have no clue! NPCs everywhere! The funny thing is, that they are happy to be like that! Arrrgh!
I want to change the world too! No one around me is interested.

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

I know exactly where you are coming from! I feel the exact same way! I look at people who are happy to be sheep, who love their bread and circus and reality tv and surface level s*** and I think...... You mofos have no clue! NPCs everywhere! The funny thing is, that they are happy to be like that! Arrrgh!
I want to change the world too! No one around me is interested.

I am actually jealous and wish that I could be happy just being a sheep. At least then I would be able to enjoy the stupid, brainless activities and not be in so much pain, waiting to die essentially. I can't even enjoy the smallest of things anymore to pass the time. But yet they are happy doing the same things, over and over again. I just don't get it.

 

[mattwitt]

I believe this planet is one giant insane asylum run by the inmates.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I am actually jealous and wish that I could be happy just being a sheep. At least then I would be able to enjoy the stupid, brainless activities and not be in so much pain, waiting to die essentially. I can't even enjoy the smallest of things anymore to pass the time. But yet they are happy doing the same things, over and over again. I just don't get it.

Yeah a part of me feels like that. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know.Sometimes I wish I wasn't as jaded as I am. I wish to return to innocence.

I believe this planet is one giant insane asylum run by the inmates.

For sure! The systems we are forced to live in/ by, need to be changed!

 

[Pan]

I agree wholeheartedly; armed revolution, anyone?

 

[BlackPoppet]

I agree wholeheartedly; armed revolution, anyone?

absofrigginglutely!!!

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

absofrigginglutely!!!

Seconded. We literally have nothing to lose, lol

 

[BlackPoppet]

If you think about depersonalization and derealization these are the mind's way of keeping reality-as-threat at a safe distance; it is your animal brain's way of controlling reality. Mantras are useful when in these states, repeat the " all things must pass". And it will pass, believe me. Best to you, friend.

I had one particularly bad depersonalisation/ derealisation episode about 5 years ago! Scared the living daylights out of me. If anyone wants to hear it I will tell the story. It has a morbidly amusing element to it. Although the experience was not at all funny.
also I have another bizarre and random story about the time I randomly pooed my pants in the street. If anyone is wanting a laugh.
P.s I don't think Derealisation/ depersonalisation episodes are funny! They are scary. I'm just saying that my strangest episode had a morbidly amusing element to it.

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

I had one particularly bad depersonalisation/ derealisation episode about 5 years ago! Scared the living daylights out of me. If anyone wants to hear it I will tell the story. It has a morbidly amusing element to it. Although the experience was not at all funny.
also I have another bizarre and random story about the time I randomly pooed my pants in the street. If anyone is wanting a laugh.
P.s I don't think Derealisation/ depersonalisation episodes are funny! They are scary. I'm just saying that my strangest episode had a morbidly amusing element to it.

I don't think I've ever had an experience like that. I would love to hear both stories.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I don't think I've ever had an experience like that. I would love to hear both stories.

ok cool! Here goes.
I was at the gym at a Pilates class. I was trying to lose weight and get fit. I felt really awkward. Suddenly I looked at my self in the mirror and saw a massive heifer, even though I was only nine and a half stone. I was always tiny at around 7and a half stone. Translated to pounds I was around 98 pounds. I had put on 2 stone and was out of shape.
Well I also had an OCD around my eyebrows.... All my life.Which is another story . I'd plucked them really thin and they looked terrible and I felt super self conscious. coupled with how I saw myself in the long mirrors.....I freaked out, I ran out of the gym.
All of a sudden it was if my mind had left my body, and a was just a body, without a brain..... I couldn't walk properly and was literally shuffling along like a zombie, these weird shuffling steps. I couldn't walk any other way! I had to walk a mile in this state all the way home. I tried to pick up the pace, but couldn't and was literally going at 3 miles an hour, just shuffling along. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and looked at my eyes in the mirror....I looked crazy.....my eyes looked possessed! I think my mind had some sort of " break" and left my body to make its own way home....which it couldn't do properly. I was bullied at school for being a girl with massive eyebrows, so I was paranoid and self conscious about my looks.

I don't think I've ever had an experience like that. I would love to hear both stories.

My other story
I was walking home from town and I had another weird Derealisation/Depersonalisation episode.
I was just walking along and suddenly felt detached and really strange. Out of the blue, no explanation. I pooed my self! It just came out of nowhere! I was wearing black leggings and they literally filled up and out with this soft, mushy poo! Lol!
My arse now looked like Nicki Minajs arse....except instead of plastic....it was shit! Lol!
I was literally just round the corner from my flat so I was trying to get into the downstairs entry system door without anyone seeing me. I thought " please no one come down the stairs " (I live on the third and top floor of my flat block)
Anyway so didn't see a soul....thank the universe! I managed to get inside and had to stand in the bath and remove my leggings and underwear and tip all of th poo into the toilet....gross! And clean my self with the shower spray! Then I had to bathe straight away! It was so weird. By that time I'd come back to reality from my episode. Don't know what happened there.

 

[bpdandme]

I feel like I could have wrote this, I always think this is a fake reality and when I die everything will make sense! Here if you need someone to talk with!

 

[Pan]

I'm with you, friend..I wake up and ask myself, "what to worry about, today?"...a cascade of crap makes me pop a Xanax, close my eyes, and it's back to sleep. If this is living, you can forget it. All I do all day, is drink beers, smoke weed, and chain smoke cigarettes. "At 64 i'm done", I say to myself. Fuck the American Dream".

 

[ALiflessDreamerOtaku]

i can relate im going insane too
my family is good im fed well but i just dont feel like i wanna live anymore and im driven insane

 

[crazy1]

It feels like I'm trapped here. Nowhere to go. The only option is to either prolong things or death. I feel like I'm living in a dream. The only way to wake up is to kill myself. (Little reference you a movie there if anyone gets it) I just want to wake up. I just feel like this isn't real. Like I'm not real. Almost like everything is a figment of my imagination. I feel like I'm going crazy. Can anyone else relate?

I can definitely relate sometimes I feel like that to, sorry your feeling like that now it must be horrible. Could you talk to someone about it? I definitely don't think your going crazy, sending you a hug

 

[Pan]

I understand where you're coming from, brother. In my humble opinion, the world is no longer meant for me. You're raised to feel guilty being a man for having a dick between your legs. I know such talk is, uh, let me see, "misogynistic" ad infinitum ad nauseum, but I do know that the corona virus makes this seem by the boards. Again, FUCK THE AMERICAN
DREAM.

 

[Taki]

I relate. Sometimes I wake up and my first thought is of hanging myself. I am sick with shame and dread half the time, and sometime am physically in pain from the awareness of how badly I've screwed up. I barely sleep, and if it wasn't for clonazepam I don't think I could leave the house most mornings.

 

[Pan]

Hear you; relate completely. Substitute Xanax for Klonopin and there you have it. I spend most of my time in house, ashamed to see the outside world
I'm getting tired of having, yes, a penis between my legs. Tired of the needless guilt and all the sociopolitical flotsam that goes with it. Hang me high for being a MALE; that's the way the genetic cookie crumbles. Without US (males), there would be NO YOU. The patriarchy, one could argue, was sustained by women for the sole purpose of birthing, which, fortunately, I am not burdened with. Never wanted to be a DAD; never even conceived of the possibility. So glad I did'nt.

 

[Pan]

Men have been demonized and denigrated unfairly; I said in an earlier post, I resolutely REFUSE to apologize for having been born with a dick between my legs. Guys have it tough enough; they don't need this smorgasbord of denigration. All of it is misandrist propaganda. We have plenty regarding misogyny, nothing by way of misandry (male hating). Get the facts straight; celebrate the "thing"/between you legs.
Again, without that thing, you would not have been BORN.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I can definitely relate sometimes I feel like that to, sorry your feeling like that now it must be horrible. Could you talk to someone about it? I definitely don't think your going crazy, sending you a hug

Yeah I have friends to talk to sometimes and thank you for the hug I definitely needed it today

A response to @Pan, I absolutely hate the concept as your sex being a "personality trait" I wish humans could just look at another person and say yes that is a person it doesn't matter what genitalia they have or what gender they identify as. All that matters is that they are a kind beautiful imperfect person

As you can see I hate stereotypes and labels

 

[Pan]

Dear poisoned Juliet: remember, darling no, you are not alone. I walk with you, in a manner of speaking. Am a gentleman/junkie; plenty of $$$, and with a graduate degree. I wrote my dissertation with the aid of h and c, and wrote scholarly articles with the aid of h and c. I would to do lines of h and c, delivered lectures, all with aid of heroin and coke. No one ever knew—-I recall, for example delivering a lecture from n the museum's collection of Navajo kachinas while blasted on h and c. I could get away w/it, $$$$ to afford my habi, which I could easil afford, and a bright mnd to cover it up. Sometmes our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Dear poisoned Juliet: remember, darling no, you are not alone. I walk with you, in a manner of speaking. Am a gentleman/junkie; plenty of $$$, and with a graduate degree. I wrote my dissertation with the aid of h and c, and wrote scholarly articles with the aid of h and c. I would to do lines of h and c, delivered lectures, all with aid of heroin and coke. No one ever knew—-I recall, for example delivering a lecture from n the museum's collection of Navajo kachinas while blasted on h and c. I could get away w/it, $$$$ to afford my habi, which I could easil afford, and a bright mnd to cover it up. Sometmes our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses.

Thank you. I know I'm not alone but it's nice to hear it from someone I'm so glad there are still kind people on this planet. You and many others here. Also holy cow wish I could get my hands on at least pot to calm myself down. I don't really have a lot of extra money currently though I also find it quite impressive you could lead lectures with that much h and c in your system. Damn dude

 

[Pan]

That was the problem, not the solution. That I could do it higher than a kite and get away with it proved to be my undoing. As a cataloger of antiquities, for example, I would spread out lines of c to keep me going. My boss was uh, impressed with my industriousness and skills. Big mistake—-I thought I was invincible.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

That was the problem, not the solution. That I could do it higher than a kite and get away with it proved to be my undoing. As a cataloger of antiquities, for example, I would spread out lines of c to keep me going. My boss was uh, impressed with my industriousness and skills. Big mistake—-I thought I was invincible.

Oh sorry I misunderstood. I get what you mean now. I guess it is good that I don't have access to drugs because if I did I'm sure I would be piggybacking on them right now and probably not able to get by without them. I have healthier alternatives. If you don't mind me asking, are you clean now? Or are you still using? No judgment either way

 

[Pan]

Yeah I have friends to talk to sometimes and thank you for the hug I definitely needed it today

A response to @Pan, I absolutely hate the concept as your sex being a "personality trait" I wish humans could just look at another person and say yes that is a person it doesn't matter what genitalia they have or what gender they identify as. All that matters is that they are a kind beautiful imperfect person

As you can see I hate stereotypes and labels

Because I am non binary, I have found myself shackled with these stereotypes and the expectations associated with said. I, unfortunately found myself being asked the inevitable question"are you gay?" When in fact I had a great marriage with my dear wife (25.5 years) until her untimely death a year ago.
Yes, I am clean now and ready to pick up the pieces. Lots of anxiety but....to be able to come out with it and admit it, that's the key, I think, to liberation. I do smoke pot—lots of it, in fact, but what's an ex druggie to do, I ask you? Otherwise, I lay low, take one day at a time, and converse with nice folks like you...

 

[BlackPoppet]

Men have been demonized and denigrated unfairly; I said in an earlier post, I resolutely REFUSE to apologize for having been born with a dick between my legs. Guys have it tough enough; they don't need this smorgasbord of denigration. All of it is misandrist propaganda. We have plenty regarding misogyny, nothing by way of misandry (male hating). Get the facts straight; celebrate the "thing"/between you legs.
Again, without that thing, you would not have been BORN.

Men have been demonized and denigrated unfairly; I said in an earlier post, I resolutely REFUSE to apologize for having been born with a dick between my legs. Guys have it tough enough; they don't need this smorgasbord of denigration. All of it is misandrist propaganda. We have plenty regarding misogyny, nothing by way of misandry (male hating). Get the facts straight; celebrate the "thing"/between you legs.
Again, without that thing, you would not have been BORN.

I cannot stand misandry. It's disgusting what men/males have to put up with at the moment. I'm not a feminist. Feminism has achieved every thing that it has aimed for. Women in the western world have more rights than ever before. I believe in equal rights for women and men. I'm gender egalitarian. ITs time to stop male bashing! It's not cool or funny! @Pan I'm sending you a hug mate. You don't have to apologise for anything.

 

[Pan]

Sadly, friend, this is NO nightmare; it's real, it's frightening, it's tough...have you been to a doctor who is willing to provide meds? May I make a recommendation? Have you tried Xanax? That, at least according to some, is the magic bullet for these states, which can be very frightening. Again, pal, try to keep in mind that, in its own way, you brain is trying to save you by keeping threats at a safe distance. Now, if you could help me figure out why my typeface changed from black to blue lol...if not no sweat...hang in there; know that I am thinking of you...notice, finally, that you say you FEEL like you are going insane...remember, "feeling" does'nt mean "being". I know you will be okay. Get in touch with you doctor, inquire about Xanax. It has a short half life and acts quickly. What meds, if I may ask, are you Taking?