Venting I feel like I’m going insane

[PoisonedJuliet]

It feels like I'm trapped here. Nowhere to go. The only option is to either prolong things or death. I feel like I'm living in a dream. The only way to wake up is to kill myself. (Little reference you a movie there if anyone gets it) I just want to wake up. I just feel like this isn't real. Like I'm not real. Almost like everything is a figment of my imagination. I feel like I'm going crazy. Can anyone else relate?

 

[Seneca70]

I can relate. I feel like my life is all a big test and the way to pass it is to free myself. My reward is waiting.

 

[Pan]

I feel for you, truly. I find myself just waiting to die,all the while knowing that if I don't action,
I won't die spontaneously.

 

[nerve]

Yes. I get in these weird states of derealization where everything feels far-off and kinda like "cardboard cut out"-ish? I can't think of a better way to describe it. It's like I look at someone and my brain processes that it looks like a person, but not that they are a person. Like a store mannequin. You hear about people feeling scared when they experience this, but I'm mostly just relieved. "You mean none of this has been real?!?! Phew!!!"

So you're probably not going crazy. I remember first reading about depersonalization / derealization and being surprised at how there were these "universal" words people would consistently use to describe it. "Like a dream" is one that comes to mind for me a lot.

 

[Largeletters]

Me too, PoisonedJuliet. Nothing feels real anymore. It's like I'm floating all the time.

 

[theguineapigking]

I have this too. Life feels like a lucid dream soft of. There are times I truly thought I was in an actual dream but things were consistent enough that I realized it's this reality. But this reality feels like a more consistent dream.

I sometimes really panic that I'm the only real person and that I'm in a simulation. I can't feel anyone else's "life force". So there's really no 100% positive way to know if other people are real or not. Human awareness is very very low. I think that is what contributes to reality feeling fake. Then there's the whole medical issue aspect,such as derealization and depersonalization,both of which I have.


I want this reality to be real because of my family. But I guess if it's fake they won't suffer when I ctb.

 

[popo]

Same. I could feel my sanity slipping away sometimes these days.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry you feel trapped, and that you are not real. The kindness you have shown in your posts are real, and you do make a difference in life.

 

[selfhater]

i'm sorry u feeling this, i relate to u, i wish if this is all just a nightmare and we wake up in a good peaceful reality

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear! I feel like I'm going insane also
Peace/hugs

 

[waterbottleman]

It feels like I'm trapped here. Nowhere to go. The only option is to either prolong things or death. I feel like I'm living in a dream. The only way to wake up is to kill myself. (Little reference you a movie there if anyone gets it) I just want to wake up. I just feel like this isn't real. Like I'm not real. Almost like everything is a figment of my imagination. I feel like I'm going crazy. Can anyone else relate?

I feel something that is like the opposite of that, I feel like everything and everyone else is real but I'm not.

I don't feel like a person anymore.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Wow thank you all for responding. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.

I know about derealization which I definitely have. When I'm walking around my college it feels like I'm not in my body. It feels like I'm being controlled by someone else and that everyone else has been put there just to make me feel small and weak. The other day I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't know who that person was I was looking at in the mirror. I didn't recognize myself. Ugh it would be so nice if this existence ended and I could wake up somewhere far away feeling real again. Feeling real happiness and not living in a world full of fake

 

[BlackPoppet]

Hello everyone I'm new here.
yes I feel like I'm going insane at the moment. Life feels very bizarre to me and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm not close to the people that I should be close to (family) I haven't seen them in a while.
The country that I'm from pretends to care about anything pertaining to mental health, but from my very own personal experience with all sorts of counsellor, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, CBT, BPD groups, Psychodynamic and Psychotherapists and CBT-I therapy that I've had, it's in my own personal opinion that not exactly true.
I've come across people here ( in my country) that don't understand mental health. They don't have the patience or understanding of it. A lot of people are scared of people with mental health difficulties. So to me in my own personal opinion it's just one big virtue signal! They have to pretend to look like they are doing something.
None of my therapy has worked for me and it seems like I'm unfixable! That scares me! My latest therapist has asked me why I'm always physically ill, but when she's ill I wish her a speedy recovery. One law for me ......I'm not allowed to be ill you see, less money for her, and one law for her. So I'm going to stop going. I'm going to keep my money.
I don't particularly know what to do now. I personally don't think I will have anymore counselling and therapy. I don't know what to do about the suicidal ideation that I keep getting. When I think of self termination I feel a sense of peace. I feel like a ghost. I don't feel right living in this world. Sorry to ramble on. I'm awkward.

 

[Mizzmini45]

Life started to seem bizarre to me. Surrounded by people doing things. Aging seemed bizarre. Like so bizarre it made me want to jump out my body. Does this sound weird to anyone? I rather be dead to keep being around this and going through this bizarre concept

 

[BlackPoppet]

Wow thank you all for responding. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.

I know about derealization which I definitely have. When I'm walking around my college it feels like I'm not in my body. It feels like I'm being controlled by someone else and that everyone else has been put there just to make me feel small and weak. The other day I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't know who that person was I was looking at in the mirror. I didn't recognize myself. Ugh it would be so nice if this existence ended and I could wake up somewhere far away feeling real again. Feeling real happiness and not living in a world full of fake

yes the world is full of fake, and I'm expected to pretend to be as happy and fake as well. I don't like pretending to be all social and happy when people try and talk to me. I wear my heart on my sleeve!

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I have had this often. It particularly strikes me when I'm in some kind of special circumstance. I often have to tell myself (sometimes out loud), "you are here. this is real. this is happening to you."

I ran a road race recently which is not something I've really done before and I found myself saying out loud, "I'm doing this. I'm really doing this!" It was a great feeling (until I blew out my Achilles tendon) but it's something I have to remind myself to be aware of.

It's hard. I sometimes wonder why the rest of the world is able to just live their lives, present in their bodies and selves while I cannot.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Same. So crazy. I ve already lost my mind.

 

[can'tdoitanymore]

I feel the exact same way. I know it's my brain dissociating to cope with the pain but it makes it impossible to do anything when nothing feels real. And impossible to know if you are making the right decision. Part of me is suicidal because I just want to die and end the pain and part of me thinks the same as you if I die I will actually just wake up from this dream.

 

[LittleJem]

I don't particularly know what to do now. I personally don't think I will have anymore counselling and therapy. I don't know what to do about the suicidal ideation that I keep getting. When I think of self termination I feel a sense of peace. I feel like a ghost. I don't feel right living in this world. Sorry to ramble on. I'm awkward.

Have you tried any medication? You could be lucky and it might help. OTC, it is worth trying St John's Wort. Therapy has never helped me. I have only occasionally had luck with things that change my brain chemistry

 

[BlackPoppet]

Life started to seem bizarre to me. Surrounded by people doing things. Aging seemed bizarre. Like so bizarre it made me want to jump out my body. Does this sound weird to anyone? I rather be dead to keep being around this and going through this bizarre concept

it doesn't sound weird. Aging is a bizarre concept! I don't want my Telomeres to shorten and I don't want to age. Life can seem very bizarre a lot of the time. I know where you are coming from. Sending hugs from me to you! I don't have a hugs emoticon, so will you please except this heart ?

 

[oxymoron]

It feels like I'm trapped here. Nowhere to go. The only option is to either prolong things or death. I feel like I'm living in a dream. The only way to wake up is to kill myself. (Little reference you a movie there if anyone gets it) I just want to wake up. I just feel like this isn't real. Like I'm not real. Almost like everything is a figment of my imagination. I feel like I'm going crazy. Can anyone else relate?

Yes. Count me in. Sometimes I can't believe that I've suffered so much, senselessly for so fucking long now. And it doesn't stop there. I've lost my job too. Talk about losing things.

 

[Mizzmini45]

it doesn't sound weird. Aging is a bizarre concept! I don't want my Telomeres to shorten and I don't want to age. Life can seem very bizarre a lot of the time. I know where you are coming from. Sending hugs from me to you! I don't have a hugs emoticon, so will you please except this heart ?

Thanks for confirming this! It's something I'm afraid to talk about to others or they will see me as weird

 

[s1mplem3]

I don't have same feelings, but I would say I live on autopilot or just animal instincts - eat, sleep, etc. If you would like to chat - my PM is always open. Sorry if I can't offer more to make you feel better.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Have you tried any medication? You could be lucky and it might help. OTC, it is worth trying St John's Wort. Therapy has never helped me. I have only occasionally had luck with things that change my brain chemistry

Hi it's nice to meet you! Yes I'm on medication a antidepressant, a sleeping tablet a beta blocker and occasionally my doctor will give me a tranquilizer. I also use supplements such as CBD, Gaba, L-theanine and 5-htp. I've never tried At John's wort as I've heard it interacts with some antidepressants! I would try anything! I make my own anti anxiety tea from lemon balm, lavender and dried hibiscus flowers. But I can't always afford them all at the same time. I also take vit b12 and cod liver oil, magnesium and I eat a lot of liver. Also lots of sardines too. But I still feel terrible! Thank you for replying, it means alot! I feel better brainwise with certain meds too, talking with therapist only seems to go so far with me and my cursed issues.

Thanks for confirming this! It's something I'm afraid to talk about to others or they will see me as weird

you aren't weird! You are a beautiful human being, that deserves a nice life!

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Hello everyone I'm new here.
yes I feel like I'm going insane at the moment. Life feels very bizarre to me and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm not close to the people that I should be close to (family) I haven't seen them in a while.
The country that I'm from pretends to care about anything pertaining to mental health, but from my very own personal experience with all sorts of counsellor, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, CBT, BPD groups, Psychodynamic and Psychotherapists and CBT-I therapy that I've had, it's in my own personal opinion that not exactly true.
I've come across people here ( in my country) that don't understand mental health. They don't have the patience or understanding of it. A lot of people are scared of people with mental health difficulties. So to me in my own personal opinion it's just one big virtue signal! They have to pretend to look like they are doing something.
None of my therapy has worked for me and it seems like I'm unfixable! That scares me! My latest therapist has asked me why I'm always physically ill, but when she's ill I wish her a speedy recovery. One law for me ......I'm not allowed to be ill you see, less money for her, and one law for her. So I'm going to stop going. I'm going to keep my money.
I don't particularly know what to do now. I personally don't think I will have anymore counselling and therapy. I don't know what to do about the suicidal ideation that I keep getting. When I think of self termination I feel a sense of peace. I feel like a ghost. I don't feel right living in this world. Sorry to ramble on. I'm awkward.

Hi there and welcome to the forum! Don't worry about being judged or awkward here. I'm such an awkward person in real life so don't worry I'm going to my first therapy appointment in two weeks. I went to therapy as a little kid but this is the first time in a while. I really hope it can do something. Always here if you need to chat :)

Life started to seem bizarre to me. Surrounded by people doing things. Aging seemed bizarre. Like so bizarre it made me want to jump out my body. Does this sound weird to anyone? I rather be dead to keep being around this and going through this bizarre concept

This is not weird at all. Life is so bizarre and confusing. That's one of the reasons I want to end it already

I don't have same feelings, but I would say I live on autopilot or just animal instincts - eat, sleep, etc. If you would like to chat - my PM is always open. Sorry if I can't offer more to make you feel better.

Yeah I get that too. Sometimes the world around me seems fake and other times everything else seems real and I'm the only thing that's fake. Walking to my college classes I go on autopilot and sometimes I completely zone out and don't realize that I've reached my destination. Thanks for the PM option. It's always great to talk to people. You just responding has made me feel a bit better

 

[Pan]

I feel for you, truly. I find myself just waiting to die,all the while knowing that if I don't action,
I won't die spontaneously.

Isn't it unfortunate that life is a sort of test. I say "quality before quantity". How long you live of no account, it is HOW you live that matters. I have mixed feelings; on the one hand, I nurture regret; on the other hand, I have NO regrets. An odd place to be stuck in, yes?

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Isn't it unfortunate that life is a sort of test. I say "quality before quantity". How long you live of no account, it is HOW you live that matters. I have mixed feelings; on the one hand, I nurture regret; on the other hand, I have NO regrets. An odd place to be stuck in, yes?

Yeah I see what you're saying. I don't really live with a lot of regret personally. I try to let go of things as much as my anxious overthinking mind let's me. My mind has been the one in control for a long time. How you live your life is definitely more important than the span of your lifetime. Your actions are what's important. Those can either make or break you.

 

[Pan]

If you live your life intensely then you have truly LIVED IT. Years, sometimes, feel like mere hours to the intense life, which is the only life, as far as I'm concerned. "Live freely, die young", I always say. I have lived the high life as I see it; it's time for curtain calls. There are
NO encores. Let me know one way or other, please.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Hi there and welcome to the forum! Don't worry about being judged or awkward here. I'm such an awkward person in real life so don't worry I'm going to my first therapy appointment in two weeks. I went to therapy as a little kid but this is the first time in a while. I really hope it can do something. Always here if you need to chat :)

This is not weird at all. Life is so bizarre and confusing. That's one of the reasons I want to end it already

Yeah I get that too. Sometimes the world around me seems fake and other times everything else seems real and I'm the only thing that's fake. Walking to my college classes I go on autopilot and sometimes I completely zone out and don't realize that I've reached my destination. Thanks for the PM option. It's always great to talk to people. You just responding has made me feel a bit better

Hi there and welcome to the forum! Don't worry about being judged or awkward here. I'm such an awkward person in real life so don't worry I'm going to my first therapy appointment in two weeks. I went to therapy as a little kid but this is the first time in a while. I really hope it can do something. Always here if you need to chat :)

This is not weird at all. Life is so bizarre and confusing. That's one of the reasons I want to end it already

Yeah I get that too. Sometimes the world around me seems fake and other times everything else seems real and I'm the only thing that's fake. Walking to my college classes I go on autopilot and sometimes I completely zone out and don't realize that I've reached my destination. Thanks for the PM option. It's always great to talk to people. You just responding has made me feel a bit better

Thank you Poisoned Juliet for the nice welcome! It means a lot. I must say! Good luck in your therapy sessions. I hope you get everything you need from them.
I'm usually quite extroverted.....but the last few years have been extra rough on me and now I'm getting introverted and awkward! I'm still quite outgoing deep down, but more cautious I guess. I'm not in employment at the moment and one kind of loses social skills. It sucks. It's nice to see lovely people like yourself and others on here. Good luck with the therapy. Hugs!

 

[jonionl]

I keep wishing that one day I'll open my eyes and live a happy life, and that this life is just a nightmare.