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canyounotbesad
Member
- Mar 19, 2024
- 27
I know the title is edgy but, you know what? I'm feeling edgy.
I got put on 300mg of anti-depressants and I do not like 'em. I feel irritable and mad the moment I wake up. Also, and this is off topic, IDK if I have an ear infection or it's allergies but my head and ears feel full AF, the base of my neck hurts, and there is an almost non-stop ringing in my ears at night; grated, I'm sleeping much lower than normal as my mattress is on the floor 'cause I'm in the middle of moving. ANYWAY, at work I feel like a piece of shit. I know people care for me and worry about me at work and that makes everything so much harder. I want to be close to them, I want them to know I care about them as well and how I act isn't because of them. However, I can't. Any time I get into one of my moods, I shut down. I don't know how else to explain it besides going into autopilot. But, my autopilot is a dumb ass bitch. I had a friend, who knows enough of me to weigh in, ask me if I actually try in the moment. At first, I was like "WTF of course I try, I'm obviously upset by how I am" but then I thought of it, and I don't. Not because I don't want to, I just can't. My old therapist said I was resistant to therapy and that comment pops up in my head on every down swing, every bad moment. Every day the self-hatred grows. Even on anti-depressants I still hate myself! I just feel like killing myself and cutting myself less. It's at the point where I feel like the selfless act IS to CTB so I can ride every one of my existence. I know it's not depression at this point because I still feel the same way even after on drugs. Also, I know this is edgy as all hell and as I write this out I'm just thinking "Jesus Christ woman fucking get it together". But I can't. I can't get it together, if I could, I wouldn't be on this side to begin with; yet here I am.
I have this agreement with myself; to take it 1 year at a time. People say a lot can change in a year, so if by December 31st I still feel like shit, and have no desire to live, I will commit. No going back. Bur every year I find hope, a will to live, and it's like why!? I want to do right by people and the best way I know how is running away and living as a hermit in some podunk town OR CTB. Considering I don't have enough money to run away my only option is to CTB. But, I'm selfish. I'm selfish in the fact that I want someone to care about to me unconditionally. Is that reasonable or sane? No, it is not; but I want it nonetheless.
Look, I know my posts come off annoying and whiney and entitled, but this is honestly the only place I have to get this off my chest. If I'm going to cry, I would at least like someone to see it, not ignore me, and maybe relate to how I'm feeling. Right now, I can't CTB. My dad got plane tickets to come help me with my surgery so I can't do it until he leaves. I'm moving tomorrow and parking is strict at the new apartments so that should kill the only person that could/would check in on me if I didn't show up to work from coming by. I hope when I have my surgery, when I go under, that I find peace. Either in knowing I can die with no without guilt or in knowing I can live without shame.
I got put on 300mg of anti-depressants and I do not like 'em. I feel irritable and mad the moment I wake up. Also, and this is off topic, IDK if I have an ear infection or it's allergies but my head and ears feel full AF, the base of my neck hurts, and there is an almost non-stop ringing in my ears at night; grated, I'm sleeping much lower than normal as my mattress is on the floor 'cause I'm in the middle of moving. ANYWAY, at work I feel like a piece of shit. I know people care for me and worry about me at work and that makes everything so much harder. I want to be close to them, I want them to know I care about them as well and how I act isn't because of them. However, I can't. Any time I get into one of my moods, I shut down. I don't know how else to explain it besides going into autopilot. But, my autopilot is a dumb ass bitch. I had a friend, who knows enough of me to weigh in, ask me if I actually try in the moment. At first, I was like "WTF of course I try, I'm obviously upset by how I am" but then I thought of it, and I don't. Not because I don't want to, I just can't. My old therapist said I was resistant to therapy and that comment pops up in my head on every down swing, every bad moment. Every day the self-hatred grows. Even on anti-depressants I still hate myself! I just feel like killing myself and cutting myself less. It's at the point where I feel like the selfless act IS to CTB so I can ride every one of my existence. I know it's not depression at this point because I still feel the same way even after on drugs. Also, I know this is edgy as all hell and as I write this out I'm just thinking "Jesus Christ woman fucking get it together". But I can't. I can't get it together, if I could, I wouldn't be on this side to begin with; yet here I am.
I have this agreement with myself; to take it 1 year at a time. People say a lot can change in a year, so if by December 31st I still feel like shit, and have no desire to live, I will commit. No going back. Bur every year I find hope, a will to live, and it's like why!? I want to do right by people and the best way I know how is running away and living as a hermit in some podunk town OR CTB. Considering I don't have enough money to run away my only option is to CTB. But, I'm selfish. I'm selfish in the fact that I want someone to care about to me unconditionally. Is that reasonable or sane? No, it is not; but I want it nonetheless.
Look, I know my posts come off annoying and whiney and entitled, but this is honestly the only place I have to get this off my chest. If I'm going to cry, I would at least like someone to see it, not ignore me, and maybe relate to how I'm feeling. Right now, I can't CTB. My dad got plane tickets to come help me with my surgery so I can't do it until he leaves. I'm moving tomorrow and parking is strict at the new apartments so that should kill the only person that could/would check in on me if I didn't show up to work from coming by. I hope when I have my surgery, when I go under, that I find peace. Either in knowing I can die with no without guilt or in knowing I can live without shame.