Venting I feel like I will CTB before I ever get to be honest.

[starrypandabear]

I have been debating writing a long journal entry of all the reasons I am choosing to CTB, or something of the sort, however it slightly pains me to never be able to be fully honest with anyone while I am still alive, to have someone listen and understand me, maybe that's another reason I am choosing to do it. I thought about sending a bunch of texts but I know that is too risky and in case something goes wrong I can't stand the thought of everyone knowing such deep and personal things I've been through or done. I am also scared they will know what I am planning to do and stop me, even though this is what I want. I wish people could understand. I don't really know what I am getting at. I wish I had someone I could tell all of these things aloud to though, to be heard for one last time, but I do not have anyone like that. So I am not sure. I could post about it in threads but sometimes I feel as if all my problems are small and insignificant and things I could work through, so it's partly shame.

 

[persistentheartache]

real. as much as other people have good intentions, getting spam calls and the police called to your house is more embarrassing than helpful imo

 

[U. A.]

sometimes I feel as if all my problems are ... things I could work through

Are they?

 

[delinquentsandwich]

yeah a part of me wants to have someone listen to me
but also listen to them too

a final heart to heart talk would be really nice
but that won't happen

I have tried opening up to people before and they just get freaked out
I am Not too Fond of getting institutionalized

these thoughts and feelings will die only known by me
it's really lonely

 

[starrypandabear]

Are they?

I honestly don't know. It doesn't feel like they are, but I am so used feeling pathetic over it, that it makes me feel like I should just be able to get over them. But I can't and I guess that's all that really matters.

 

[U. A.]

I honestly don't know.

This may or may not be of use:

Recovery Success Stories

Sometimes, people in recovery can find motivation in other recovery stories when they are struggling to keep momentum. Below is a list of stories of recovery from different members in various situations. Owing to their recovery, many of them have now moved on from the forum. Depression...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[undecidedfool]

I feel very similarly. I can't be fully honest with anyone in my life.
I know it's not the same, but I'm down to listen if need be. I don't know what time zone your in or what your schedule looks like, so replies may be very slow. But it still might feel less like shouting into the void.
And like U. A. said above me, some of the recovery resources are worth a read if you're not sure. To ctb is always an option, so there's no rush to do it.

 

[j888]

i feel very similar, i understand how you're feeling. even though i'll be dying i'm still terrified to be completely open and honest with my feelings. sharing feelings so deep feels so vulnerable and terrifying. idk why i'm so scared to share these thoughts with the people i trust the most. i think i'm worried of being intervened too. even if that doesnt happen, typing out feelings that come so deep from inside feels like my heart is being scooped out