Could never share that sentence with friends- but yeah, I have an interesting situation. My brain has basically been conditioned from a very early age to jump to suicide. It used to be way worse than it is now and honestly I'm often surprised at how I'm still alive considering I finally bought the gun a year ago. Ironically, the part that's pushing me further to actually going through is the fact that it's still here at all. 2+ years of massive progress through trauma and unlearning much of the aforementioned conditioning and it still overtakes me like an entirely different personality. At this point I most commonly view it as a "state"- not anymore real than any other states of the mind that are not suicidal. IT's my brain's instant response to stress and uncertainty, and although it's a lot less "sticky" than it used to be, it's sill sticky enough to be convincing. But the real genuine frustration with it is that it just won't ever go away entirely. It's too well worn of a "neural groove"- it's been the conclusion too much throughout my life and I honestly am wondering, as I approach my graduation and am stuck in waitlist purgatory for medical school (I sometimes find it goofy the idea of someone like me being a doctor but that's a different can of worms), if I've just been too damaged to heal completely.
The idea of all my genuine hard work being for nothing just makes me want to... you can guess. But part of me KNOWS this is just a temporary limbo I'm in... all of my friends are going to be here another year with the prospect of me leaving, or I'll stay another year but be in a one bedroom apartment by myself *trying* to stay interested in the activities all my friends do that I've *never* been super interested in. I don't know, I do just feel I'm too far gone to functionally handle the real stresses of life. I'm at a genuine disadvantage too with no family and a background in poverty (neither of which any of my friends share). I kind of just sit in my room a lot of the time throughout my days fantasizing about being accepted to medical school. I'm ranting a bit now but I guess at least I'm getting all of this out there unfiltered.
The idea of all my genuine hard work being for nothing just makes me want to... you can guess. But part of me KNOWS this is just a temporary limbo I'm in... all of my friends are going to be here another year with the prospect of me leaving, or I'll stay another year but be in a one bedroom apartment by myself *trying* to stay interested in the activities all my friends do that I've *never* been super interested in. I don't know, I do just feel I'm too far gone to functionally handle the real stresses of life. I'm at a genuine disadvantage too with no family and a background in poverty (neither of which any of my friends share). I kind of just sit in my room a lot of the time throughout my days fantasizing about being accepted to medical school. I'm ranting a bit now but I guess at least I'm getting all of this out there unfiltered.
