schopenh
Specialist
- Oct 21, 2019
- 385
The past few weeks have been a game changer for me. I've grown completely tired with my situation.
I am in a lot of pain due to two separate diseases.
The most recent of the two is very, very painful bladder/penis pain that worsens dramatically with ejaculation. But in the past 5 weeks it's been very severe 24/7 despite doing nothing to make it worse. I can only sleep for two hour patches at a time. Rarely I will get 3-4 hours.
I have not been able to ejaculate by choice for four months. Nocturnal emission makes symptoms dramatically worse and less amenable to time.
I also have had an ongoing neuropathic pain problem whose sources is in my lumbar spine but the bulk of the pain goes into my left leg mainly (but also my right). This has been for three years. The bladder issue since maybe May.
I've gone through roller-coasters of emotions coming to terms with CTB being the only meaningful solution for me for the nerve pain alone. But the bladder issues have really just destroyed any hope for me of having a life worth living.
In the past maybe 5 weeks I wake up every morning and think "you know, today could be the day." or "it's coming soon." Which is a big contrast to even 3-4 months ago.
I have even started a relationship in the past 6 weeks with a lovely girl who says she'd like to be by my side despite the ill health and it's made no difference to my disposition. I've just grown more tired than ever with severe chronic pain.
Like most people I don't want my family finding me dead, I don't want to traumatise a lovely girl with a suicide of a person she's only started dating, I don't want my two best friends and my sister left feeling empty for years, maybe even for life, because of this. But I have mostly (but not entirely) stopped caring about these things. Pain has chipped away at my soul until not much has been left.
I actually got an automatic car recently from my aunt. And while I can barely drive comfortably. I was thinking I could drive somewhere secluded to take my SN. But to be honest I'd rather die in my bed than in a car.
Anyway, those are my most recent thoughts. Thank you if you read them!
I am in a lot of pain due to two separate diseases.
The most recent of the two is very, very painful bladder/penis pain that worsens dramatically with ejaculation. But in the past 5 weeks it's been very severe 24/7 despite doing nothing to make it worse. I can only sleep for two hour patches at a time. Rarely I will get 3-4 hours.
I have not been able to ejaculate by choice for four months. Nocturnal emission makes symptoms dramatically worse and less amenable to time.
I also have had an ongoing neuropathic pain problem whose sources is in my lumbar spine but the bulk of the pain goes into my left leg mainly (but also my right). This has been for three years. The bladder issue since maybe May.
I've gone through roller-coasters of emotions coming to terms with CTB being the only meaningful solution for me for the nerve pain alone. But the bladder issues have really just destroyed any hope for me of having a life worth living.
In the past maybe 5 weeks I wake up every morning and think "you know, today could be the day." or "it's coming soon." Which is a big contrast to even 3-4 months ago.
I have even started a relationship in the past 6 weeks with a lovely girl who says she'd like to be by my side despite the ill health and it's made no difference to my disposition. I've just grown more tired than ever with severe chronic pain.
Like most people I don't want my family finding me dead, I don't want to traumatise a lovely girl with a suicide of a person she's only started dating, I don't want my two best friends and my sister left feeling empty for years, maybe even for life, because of this. But I have mostly (but not entirely) stopped caring about these things. Pain has chipped away at my soul until not much has been left.
I actually got an automatic car recently from my aunt. And while I can barely drive comfortably. I was thinking I could drive somewhere secluded to take my SN. But to be honest I'd rather die in my bed than in a car.
Anyway, those are my most recent thoughts. Thank you if you read them!
