Venting I feel hopeless.

[MBiopic]

Hello, beautiful people! Just need to vent for a bit. I broke up with my girlfriend, it was very civilized and peaceful, also mutual. It will simply be better for her and us this way.

But, since I have BPD and NOTHING is ever that simple and easy for me, my depression is worsening and the walls are slowly closing in.

The one thing I have as the ultimate relief-thought is that I can choose to die at any moment, and go to a better, happier place where I can be and do whatever. However, as I see my state declining, I feel more and more hopeless and sceptic about there being anything like that. It's like I'm slowly accepting that I will never find relief of the suffering, and that it will not get better even after I die.

I've always had this little "rational" side as dominant. I always, always try to look for logical, scientific and rational explanations to things. But this time I just want to… believe that there is something out there. Something waiting for me.

I've noticed myself yearning for some sort of psychosis. Hallucinations. Anything to lose touch with reality and not fully be here. To have something unreal in my life. I doubt it will come. I doubt that if I do have psychosis, it will be pleasant. Most likely it will be more scary than anything else.

What usually helps you guys during periods like this? I don't really have the energy or interest to do anything at all.
I need help. I just want this to end. I want to stop feeling the way I feel. But I don't even have the motivation/energy for feeling suicidal lmaoo!!! How is that even fucking possible. Share your thoughts in the comments and thanks for reading. I love you all.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm sorry you're hurting!
I am not familiar with BPD myself but I know about no energy, no motivation and wanting to be anywhere but in this reality.

For me connecting to others works. On here, a short talk with a neighbour, or a friend if you have one of course.
Putting myself in a situation I HAVE to be ok(-is) in. It distracts and eases the loneliness.

Also pets, or going outside for a bike ride helps me. Ooh and weed oil on the really bad days to give my brain a break.

I hope you find something that works!

 

[MBiopic]

I'm sorry you're hurting!
I am not familiar with BPD myself but I know about no energy, no motivation and wanting to be anywhere but in this reality.

For me connecting to others works. On here, a short talk with a neighbour, or a friend if you have one of course.
Putting myself in a situation I HAVE to be ok(-is) in. It distracts and eases the loneliness.

Also pets, or going outside for a bike ride helps me. Ooh and weed oil on the really bad days to give my brain a break.

I hope you find something that works!

Thank you for your suggestions and kind words. I really appreciate it. I was thinking of reaching out to a good friend of mine and telling her how I feel right now. It usually helps.

Also, I just remembered I have a weed joint in a closer somewhere, I might try that. The problem is, it unrolled and I have no idea how to roll it back together lol, it's not mine :)

I wish you all the best!

 

[Cress]

I'm sorry to hear About your recent struggles. Recently my younger cousin that I knew since he was about four years old jumped in front of a train 8 months ago and I've been kind of a wreck since then. I've been having a very hard time being motivated to do anything and nothing therapists say Really helps.

Ironically there's this DJ that I've been listening to on Youtube that's done more Towards helping me reach some level of comfort and peace than any therapist or social worker has been able to do.

 

[MBiopic]

I'm sorry to hear About your recent struggles. Recently my younger cousin that I knew since he was about four years old jumped in front of a train 8 months ago and I've been kind of a wreck since then. I've been having a very hard time being motivated to do anything and nothing therapists say Really helps.

Ironically there's this DJ that I've been listening to on Youtube that's done more Towards helping me reach some level of comfort and peace than any therapist or social worker has been able to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And yes, I can relate to that enormously! Therapy and medication do pretty much nothing for me, but then in the the most unexpected places I find some comfort and warmth. One of those places, some time ago, was this website haha