![MBiopic](/data/avatars/l/59/59846.jpg?1715956280)
MBiopic
Dreamer
- Apr 10, 2023
- 31
Hello, beautiful people! Just need to vent for a bit. I broke up with my girlfriend, it was very civilized and peaceful, also mutual. It will simply be better for her and us this way.
But, since I have BPD and NOTHING is ever that simple and easy for me, my depression is worsening and the walls are slowly closing in.
The one thing I have as the ultimate relief-thought is that I can choose to die at any moment, and go to a better, happier place where I can be and do whatever. However, as I see my state declining, I feel more and more hopeless and sceptic about there being anything like that. It's like I'm slowly accepting that I will never find relief of the suffering, and that it will not get better even after I die.
I've always had this little "rational" side as dominant. I always, always try to look for logical, scientific and rational explanations to things. But this time I just want to… believe that there is something out there. Something waiting for me.
I've noticed myself yearning for some sort of psychosis. Hallucinations. Anything to lose touch with reality and not fully be here. To have something unreal in my life. I doubt it will come. I doubt that if I do have psychosis, it will be pleasant. Most likely it will be more scary than anything else.
What usually helps you guys during periods like this? I don't really have the energy or interest to do anything at all.
I need help. I just want this to end. I want to stop feeling the way I feel. But I don't even have the motivation/energy for feeling suicidal lmaoo!!! How is that even fucking possible. Share your thoughts in the comments and thanks for reading. I love you all.
But, since I have BPD and NOTHING is ever that simple and easy for me, my depression is worsening and the walls are slowly closing in.
The one thing I have as the ultimate relief-thought is that I can choose to die at any moment, and go to a better, happier place where I can be and do whatever. However, as I see my state declining, I feel more and more hopeless and sceptic about there being anything like that. It's like I'm slowly accepting that I will never find relief of the suffering, and that it will not get better even after I die.
I've always had this little "rational" side as dominant. I always, always try to look for logical, scientific and rational explanations to things. But this time I just want to… believe that there is something out there. Something waiting for me.
I've noticed myself yearning for some sort of psychosis. Hallucinations. Anything to lose touch with reality and not fully be here. To have something unreal in my life. I doubt it will come. I doubt that if I do have psychosis, it will be pleasant. Most likely it will be more scary than anything else.
What usually helps you guys during periods like this? I don't really have the energy or interest to do anything at all.
I need help. I just want this to end. I want to stop feeling the way I feel. But I don't even have the motivation/energy for feeling suicidal lmaoo!!! How is that even fucking possible. Share your thoughts in the comments and thanks for reading. I love you all.