I feel guilty, kids

[Bpdhasruinedme]

I am pretty much only going on for my 3 kids (14,11,and9). I hate this feeling I'm so tired. But I feel so guilty. I just imagine my little ones face at my funeral. My middle child is disabled and it would be awful to leave my husband alone as her caregiver. My 14 year old is already suicidal so I know if I do it, he probably will soon after. I have BPD, I feel like such a failure, I'm tired of existing, yet I feel I have to for them. Does anyone else young children?

 

[ExitStageLeft]

My father did it when I was six. Six.

I am pro-choice within reasonable bounds. I think, if you're going to do it, you have an absolute obligation to ensure that these children can and will be taken care of - either by putting them up for adoption, or sending them to a relative's over the summer, or whatever.

 

[Bpdhasruinedme]

My father did it when I was six. Six.

I am pro-choice within reasonable bounds. I think, if you're going to do it, you have an absolute obligation to ensure that these children can and will be taken care of - either by putting them up for adoption, or sending them to a relative's over the summer, or whatever.

My husband would take care of them.

 

[ExitStageLeft]

My husband would take care of them.

Then you need to ensure that he is capable of doing so long-term. What is his support network like? Does he have family? Is your family close to his? Work this much out first.

 

[Bpdhasruinedme]

He is from Italy. All his family lives there, we don't. He would get some nursing care for our disabled daughter. My family is the reason I have BPD. He is a great father. He would do anything he had to to care for them. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about what it would do to them. I've probably already fucked them up.... would it do more damage. I'm positive my oldest would kill himself if I do.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I just posted about this on the other children post. My children are both under 10. Literally idyllic life, beautiful wonderful children. Incurable terrible chronic illness hit me. I'm totally disabled and not able to care for them, in constant pain. I know the corner you are backed into. It's hell on earth.

 

[glitterproof]

you have an absolute obligation to ensure that these children can and will be taken care of

As well as this, have the money saved for a funeral/whatever they'll need following your passing if it ever comes to it. Financial stress could be the straw that breaks the camels back for them.

 

[Weightoftheworld]

I also have three children, same age differences as yours actually. Almost 10, 8, and 6. I understand your pain and feelings of guilt. They are the only reason I'm here. At the same time, I feel they deserve better than me.

 

[Bpdhasruinedme]

As well as this, have the money saved for a funeral/whatever they'll need following your passing if it ever comes to it. Financial stress could be the straw that breaks the camels back for them.

Money wise they would be fine too. They really don't need me for anything. They love me though, I don't want them thinking they weren't enough to live for, or something like that. I'm probably a shitty mother though. How great could a mother be that wants to kill herself. So maybe that is less damaging than me actually being here.