I feel good about this, but also sad

[Water-Lily]

Last Friday I spoke to my therapist. I told her something I have struggled to tell her for a long time. I told her that I don't want to get better. That I have been self sabatoing for a very long time. Sure, I eat, sleep, go to school, and do necessary things to sustain me. Regardless, I am broken at my core and do not want to get better. I see my trauma as something I want to escape from. Knowing that years psychotherapy and other treatment will never eliminate the past. I will have to accept on some level that due to a heavily broken foundation, I am screwed for life. That it will probably take years healing to get on level of a healthy minded person. That I don't want to do the work. That if it wasnt for my younger brother, I would have probably died already.

And she told me "Thank you. Thank you for opening up like this". She wasn't mad ot scared. She was happy that I admitted where I am with how I view recovery. I don't know what to do with her going forward. I feel bad I am making her deal with someone as incompetent as myself.

 

[timf]

That is great progress. She may be able to help you more now. Trauma is a little like a hurricane. In the aftermath, things can look hopeless. However, as time passes, one can see with a little progress here and there a foundation for new hope.

 

[Bat 17]

This isn't incompetence, it shows you are engaged with the therapy, paradoxical as that might seem

 

[Water-Lily]

I see it as having to prove I am in pain by killing myself. This way she will not have the impression I am making progress and will see that I am serious in not wanting to get better

 

[Bat 17]

I see it as having to prove I am in pain by killing myself. This way she will not have the impression I am making progress and will see that I am serious in not wanting to get better

You are attending therapy though so part of you is looking for something otherwise why bother going at all ?

 

[Symbiote]

I see it as having to prove I am in pain by killing myself. This way she will not have the impression I am making progress and will see that I am serious in not wanting to get better

May have been the most eye-opening revelation your therapist has heard from you. People go to therapy but it never works because they don't want to put the effort into it sometimes, but they also lie often and tell their therapist that they want to get better. You had the "balls" to tell your therapist the real truth about not wanting to get better because of this and that. So now your therapist could either release you or they could revise the treatment plan and try something else. Revealing that information about yourself saves both time and effort for you in your effort to understand your condition.

 

[Water-Lily]

May have been the most eye-opening revelation your therapist has heard from you. People go to therapy but it never works because they don't want to put the effort into it sometimes, but they also lie often and tell their therapist that they want to get better. You had the "balls" to tell your therapist the real truth about not wanting to get better because of this and that. So now your therapist could either release you or they could revise the treatment plan and try something else. Revealing that information about yourself saves both time and effort for you in your effort to understand your condition.

Apparently it makes sense for BPD. In that most BPD's are resistant to change. I know I am due to my experince with trauma and abuse and I don't want to struggle with pain anymore. Pina is a natural part of life and I do not want to do it anymore

You are attending therapy though so part of you is looking for something otherwise why bother going at all ?

It seems weird right? Honestly, I know I don't want to recover at all. But I guess there is something else. Anyways I just feel bad.