Venting I feel alone in this world

[cymbaline23]

I'm a 22 year old male. I don't want to be on this planet anymore. The pain is too much to handle. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic. I was such an idiot at therapy today, I could barely speak and she asked if I want to die. I didn't really answer because I was scared, but I wish I would've talked about it, even if i would've ended up in the hospital. I feel like I failed or made myself look creepy because I was smiling and laughing uncontrollably for some reason. I think it's because I'm coming off the last 25mg of Seroquel. That's also probably why these feelings are more intense. I don't want her to think I'm a bad person. She said it reminded her of the joker and I said I didn't like that. I don't think she meant harm by it, but I don't want someone to see me that way.

I feel so alone and disconnected from this world. I don't belong here, I barely feel human. I'm terrified of leaving the house, I'm scared people, cars, and big places. I wasn't built to fit into society, and I don't wanna play this stupid game. I have no goals or ambitions, I never have. All I have is music and 2 people that I love. Just washing the dishes makes me upset. I feel like I'm faking everything. I want some form of independence but I can't be alone too long. I need someone.

Therapy is the only thing I look forward to, I don't really have anything else (apart from seeing my friend every-other weekend). As soon as the session is over, I wish I had more time, and I obsessively think about next week's session.

I don't want to live in a world where my worth is entirely decided on whether or not I can keep a job and drive a 2 ton metal death contraption. It feels like my life has no value. My therapist has reassured me and told me otherwise, it helps in the moment but it doesn't feel true. More than anything I just want to be loved, but that's impossible with how things are. I also wouldn't want to bring my baggage into someone else's life. But I don't know how to heal. I'm not sure if I even can or want to.

I was also sexually abused from age 11-14. I don't know how much impact that's had on my life, but I'm sure it's greater than I realize. I don't know how to talk about it more in depth with my therapist, I don't know if I even need to. She doesn't do certain therapy so I'm not sure if she can help me with it. I feel like she needs to ask more questions to pull my thoughts out, because I don't know what to say, and these charts and "homework" aren't helping me.

I don't have a set plan, I just want this pain to end. I'm not sure if I want to do it or if I even have the courage, but I'm so done with this never-ending pain. I wanted to make more music before dying, I wanted to leave something meaningful behind. I've been so hateful my whole life, while I've had so much love to give. I just want to be seen. I need a hug so bad. I want to see my blood but I don't want to make scars. I wish there was a peaceful way to die. I wish I could find all the perfect words to say and leave them in a note. I don't want to leave without leaving something behind, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to be free, I want to feel peace. I'm worried about what's on the other side. I don't want to go to hell. I'm not sure if I want to go to heaven either. I think I'd rather just stop existing altogether.

 

[crystal_meth97]

I feel the same and I'm also on the spectrum. Life is constantly on difficult mode for me, even mundane and seemingly easy and simple tasks. I also feel I wasn't built for this world, everything is a struggle. I also have BPD and my emotions are sometimes all over the place and I can't understand what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling a certain way. I do DBT therapy and it helps a little, it helps me process and manage my emotions, but it's hard work. I'm just tired of everything. I empathize with how you feel and I'm sorry you're suffering as well.

 

[cymbaline23]

I feel the same and I'm also on the spectrum. Life is constantly on difficult mode for me, even mundane and seemingly easy and simple tasks. I also feel I wasn't built for this world, everything is a struggle. I also have BPD and my emotions are sometimes all over the place and I can't understand what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling a certain way. I do DBT therapy and it helps a little, it helps me process and manage my emotions, but it's hard work. I'm just tired of everything. I empathize with how you feel and I'm sorry you're suffering as well.

I feel you, thank you for reading and responding. I'm sorry you're experiencing this too. I'm doing CBT, but I'm not sure if it's even helping, it mostly just makes me more confused. I haven't been diagnosed with autism or BPD, but ever since I was hospitalized twice, and I found a good therapist, it feels like it makes a lot of sense for why I'm this way. My therapist assumes I'm neurodivergent at this point, but I don't know if I have BPD or not. I'm scared about it though because I already feel like people misunderstand me, and I don't want them to make false assumptions about me based on labels. But yeah, my emotions are very intense and hard to control, and I rarely can put it into words. My therapist will ask, "what emotions are you feeling right now?" or she'll ask how I am, and I never really know how to answer.

I don't know how I'm supposed to fit in this world. It feels like there's no place for me. I see a lot of autistic people working and driving, and I don't understand how they're able to do it. I've had 2 jobs before, but I only lasted 4 days before having a meltdown and crying in front of my boss. There were times I felt like I wanted to work and do all these things, but now it's like I'm permanently burned out and done. I got my beginner's permit a few times, but driving is too overwhelming and scary. I've driven on back roads and through cemeteries before, and it wasn't that bad, but anywhere else is too much to process. It makes me feel like I'm faking or making excuses. Not having my own form of transportation feels embarrassing, especially with how society sees things, gender roles and all that lame stuff. When I'm alone and in my comfort zone, I feel somewhat normal, but anywhere else it's like I lose all control and my sense of self.

I feel like I need constant stimulation. Social media, caffeine, marijuana, nicotine, alcohol, etc. Basically whatever hijacks my brain and is the most stimulating without effort. Boredom makes me feel like I'm going insane. In the last couple of weeks, if I don't have a distraction of some kind, I start having thoughts of self harm and suicide. But yeah I'm just rambling sorry lol ik it's a lot, idk if you relate to any of that but thanks again and I wish you the best

 

[crystal_meth97]

I feel you, thank you for reading and responding. I'm sorry you're experiencing this too. I'm doing CBT, but I'm not sure if it's even helping, it mostly just makes me more confused. I haven't been diagnosed with autism or BPD, but ever since I was hospitalized twice, and I found a good therapist, it feels like it makes a lot of sense for why I'm this way. My therapist assumes I'm neurodivergent at this point, but I don't know if I have BPD or not. I'm scared about it though because I already feel like people misunderstand me, and I don't want them to make false assumptions about me based on labels. But yeah, my emotions are very intense and hard to control, and I rarely can put it into words. My therapist will ask, "what emotions are you feeling right now?" or she'll ask how I am, and I never really know how to answer.

I don't know how I'm supposed to fit in this world. It feels like there's no place for me. I see a lot of autistic people working and driving, and I don't understand how they're able to do it. I've had 2 jobs before, but I only lasted 4 days before having a meltdown and crying in front of my boss. There were times I felt like I wanted to work and do all these things, but now it's like I'm permanently burned out and done. I got my beginner's permit a few times, but driving is too overwhelming and scary. I've driven on back roads and through cemeteries before, and it wasn't that bad, but anywhere else is too much to process. It makes me feel like I'm faking or making excuses. Not having my own form of transportation feels embarrassing, especially with how society sees things, gender roles and all that lame stuff. When I'm alone and in my comfort zone, I feel somewhat normal, but anywhere else it's like I lose all control and my sense of self.

I feel like I need constant stimulation. Social media, caffeine, marijuana, nicotine, alcohol, etc. Basically whatever hijacks my brain and is the most stimulating without effort. Boredom makes me feel like I'm going insane. In the last couple of weeks, if I don't have a distraction of some kind, I start having thoughts of self harm and suicide. But yeah I'm just rambling sorry lol ik it's a lot, idk if you relate to any of that but thanks again and I wish you the best

I relate a lot to what you said actually. While CBT helped me understand the root of my issues, what caused me to be the way I am, DBT helps me find practical solutions to cope with my intense emotions and control my reactions when I interact with other people. There's a lot of work and it can be exhausting, I've only done 3 therapy sessions, but I'm trying my best and keep working, as I want to be as comfortable and stress-free as I can be while I'm still alive. DBT was made specifically for managing BPD. I was often confused while doing CBT, I think it's part of the process, and I'm glad you may be starting to understand why you feel what you feel and why you react like you do. Seeking answers is only natural, it helps when things make sense. I'm having the same issue with identifying my current emotion when someone asks me, usually also my therapist. It just confuses me and I have to take a step back and assess how I feel to be able to identify the emotion. This world doesn't seem to have been built for neurodivergent people, sadly, and it won't accommodate us and our needs. It's sad. I've never felt like I belonged, I've always been the misfit, no matter the social context, and I've put myself in a lot of different social contexts with people of all sorts. This is exactly why I don't even bother driving, it's not for me. I would be disoriented and I would panic, I have enough anxiety as it is, I don't need an extra stressor. Try not to compare yourself and what you're capable of to other people's experiences, it only fuels alienation. That's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy, it's something I still do, but I stop myself from doing it because it only brings me more misery. If you'd like to get used to driving, you should keep trying, why not. Congratulations for your license, I don't even have it in the first place! I have difficulty working, too. I've been working remotely since 2016 as a content writer. Over the years, I tried jobs in real life, but I also couldn't survive for more than 2-3 months. I also cried in front of superiors at work, nothing to be ashamed of. It's frustrating that people see you as a freak when you don't behave or react like it's socially acceptable, it really sucks. Same - I feel comfortable and normal by myself, yet when I interact with others in real life, everything changes. That's why I'm left only with online friends and I'm okay with that. Back to work, I now keep working remotely, I just can't deal with other people and I need complete silence (well, besides music or the radio) when I work if they want quality. I feel limited anyway, I get tired or distracted easily and can't work for too long, but thankfully it pays enough. Enough for now, as I still live with my parents, so if I'll live, I'm going to have to find a stable source of income. I hate boredom, too, I struggled with addiction in the past to the point it nearly killed me (led to what could have been my death, actually), so I don't use substances anymore, but I have addictive behaviors, like using social media a lot. No worries for rambling, it's nice to find someone who understands and who can relate, so feel free to say anything, you can also PM me if you want. Also - fuck gender roles, you're ok as you are, it's major bullshit :) Take care!

 

[cymbaline23]

I relate a lot to what you said actually. While CBT helped me understand the root of my issues, what caused me to be the way I am, DBT helps me find practical solutions to cope with my intense emotions and control my reactions when I interact with other people. There's a lot of work and it can be exhausting, I've only done 3 therapy sessions, but I'm trying my best and keep working, as I want to be as comfortable and stress-free as I can be while I'm still alive. DBT was made specifically for managing BPD. I was often confused while doing CBT, I think it's part of the process, and I'm glad you may be starting to understand why you feel what you feel and why you react like you do. Seeking answers is only natural, it helps when things make sense. I'm having the same issue with identifying my current emotion when someone asks me, usually also my therapist. It just confuses me and I have to take a step back and assess how I feel to be able to identify the emotion. This world doesn't seem to have been built for neurodivergent people, sadly, and it won't accommodate us and our needs. It's sad. I've never felt like I belonged, I've always been the misfit, no matter the social context, and I've put myself in a lot of different social contexts with people of all sorts. This is exactly why I don't even bother driving, it's not for me. I would be disoriented and I would panic, I have enough anxiety as it is, I don't need an extra stressor. Try not to compare yourself and what you're capable of to other people's experiences, it only fuels alienation. That's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy, it's something I still do, but I stop myself from doing it because it only brings me more misery. If you'd like to get used to driving, you should keep trying, why not. Congratulations for your license, I don't even have it in the first place! I have difficulty working, too. I've been working remotely since 2016 as a content writer. Over the years, I tried jobs in real life, but I also couldn't survive for more than 2-3 months. I also cried in front of superiors at work, nothing to be ashamed of. It's frustrating that people see you as a freak when you don't behave or react like it's socially acceptable, it really sucks. Same - I feel comfortable and normal by myself, yet when I interact with others in real life, everything changes. That's why I'm left only with online friends and I'm okay with that. Back to work, I now keep working remotely, I just can't deal with other people and I need complete silence (well, besides music or the radio) when I work if they want quality. I feel limited anyway, I get tired or distracted easily and can't work for too long, but thankfully it pays enough. Enough for now, as I still live with my parents, so if I'll live, I'm going to have to find a stable source of income. I hate boredom, too, I struggled with addiction in the past to the point it nearly killed me (led to what could have been my death, actually), so I don't use substances anymore, but I have addictive behaviors, like using social media a lot. No worries for rambling, it's nice to find someone who understands and who can relate, so feel free to say anything, you can also PM me if you want. Also - fuck gender roles, you're ok as you are, it's major bullshit :) Take care!

It helps a lot to know I'm not alone, thanks for sharing. Sometimes I feel like the only one lol, I'll try to stop comparing myself to others. I feel the same way around people. My mom, my friend, and my therapist are the only people I can be around for a long period of time without getting overwhelmed or upset. I guess it's just too draining. I used to have a lot of online friends, but I felt like I had to get away. I just didn't feel wanted or like I belonged, I guess. Maybe my brain is just too different. I don't actually have my driver's license, I just got the beginner's permit a few times from doing the written test, but it's expired again. The only thing that makes me wish I could drive is being able to listen to my own music and go where I wanna go without feeling like a burden. Other than that, I hate cars. I hate the infrastructure of everything too. It feels like you can't fully live life without a car. It's hard to walk anywhere. Being alone and trying to become independent is another big fear of mine. I still live with my mom and I love her so much, I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I can't imagine the world without her, and I won't be able to survive unless I'm independent. I told my therapist I pretty much plan on ending my life when my mom's gone. But yeah, thank you for the kind words and I'm proud of you seriously

 

[crystal_meth97]

It helps a lot to know I'm not alone, thanks for sharing. Sometimes I feel like the only one lol, I'll try to stop comparing myself to others. I feel the same way around people. My mom, my friend, and my therapist are the only people I can be around for a long period of time without getting overwhelmed or upset. I guess it's just too draining. I used to have a lot of online friends, but I felt like I had to get away. I just didn't feel wanted or like I belonged, I guess. Maybe my brain is just too different. I don't actually have my driver's license, I just got the beginner's permit a few times from doing the written test, but it's expired again. The only thing that makes me wish I could drive is being able to listen to my own music and go where I wanna go without feeling like a burden. Other than that, I hate cars. I hate the infrastructure of everything too. It feels like you can't fully live life without a car. It's hard to walk anywhere. Being alone and trying to become independent is another big fear of mine. I still live with my mom and I love her so much, I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I can't imagine the world without her, and I won't be able to survive unless I'm independent. I told my therapist I pretty much plan on ending my life when my mom's gone. But yeah, thank you for the kind words and I'm proud of you seriously

No problem, it helps me too :) Same, it's alienating and isolating and life can get pretty lonely at times. Thankfully I'm more of an introvert and can survive without interaction for a relatively long time, but it does get lonely. I can also tolerate the real-life presence of only a few people, such as my mom, my dad, and my therapist. I mean, I don't think I could talk to my therapist for more than one hour at a time, as she makes me think and reflect a lot, we're working hard during our sessions, but she feels safe, she established that safe connection with me I guess. My therapist also knows I plan to CTB when my parents die, if not earlier, but I will most likely do it shortly after they die. It's funny, we actually started working together when I was actively suicidal, but something happened and I changed my mind, I kinda changed my whole perspective as a result of a situation that happened here on the forum. Our brains really are wired differently because we're neurodivergent, it's a struggle. Oh, sorry for the confusion with the permit and license, I guess it's different where you live :D Here, you take a written multiple-choice test and a driving test and you're either allowed to drive or not, we don't have beginner's permit or anything temporary. Yeah, it can be complicated without a car, I agree. You can get around without a car where I live, at least in my city, but it can be difficult if you can't drive for any reason and moreover, people see driving and owning a car as a status symbol. It's stupid, but anyway, I would also love to experience driving aimlessly while listening to music... Escaping for a few hours like that, it would be nice and refreshing. That's something I won't experience I guess. Same with my parents, especially my mom :( We haven't always had a good relationship, but for the past 4 years, we've been really close and she does her best to understand and support me, although I feel like only someone with similar struggles would truly understand what I'm going through. I'm scared of becoming independent, too, although that's what I'm planning to do. I still live with my parents as well, but I plan to move out on my own, which is most likely going to happen next year. I'm almost 30 btw. I have no friends IRL at the moment. Are you from Europe? Because I am (you don't have to answer that if you're not comfortable disclosing, I'm just curious). Thank you, I really appreciate it <3

Also, how is your experience coming off Seroquel? I took antipsychotics for 8 years and they made my head worse, I'm 3 months clean and feel way better mentally and emotionally. Still depressed, but now I think clearly, no brain fog. The last one I was on was risperidone, it was challenging coming off it, but so worth it! Now all I have to do is taper off diazepam, as it's awful and dangerous coming off it suddenly. It's the only psych med I'm taking, one quarter of a pill.

 

[cymbaline23]

No problem, it helps me too :) Same, it's alienating and isolating and life can get pretty lonely at times. Thankfully I'm more of an introvert and can survive without interaction for a relatively long time, but it does get lonely. I can also tolerate the real-life presence of only a few people, such as my mom, my dad, and my therapist. I mean, I don't think I could talk to my therapist for more than one hour at a time, as she makes me think and reflect a lot, we're working hard during our sessions, but she feels safe, she established that safe connection with me I guess. My therapist also knows I plan to CTB when my parents die, if not earlier, but I will most likely do it shortly after they die. It's funny, we actually started working together when I was actively suicidal, but something happened and I changed my mind, I kinda changed my whole perspective as a result of a situation that happened here on the forum. Our brains really are wired differently because we're neurodivergent, it's a struggle. Oh, sorry for the confusion with the permit and license, I guess it's different where you live :D Here, you take a written multiple-choice test and a driving test and you're either allowed to drive or not, we don't have beginner's permit or anything temporary. Yeah, it can be complicated without a car, I agree. You can get around without a car where I live, at least in my city, but it can be difficult if you can't drive for any reason and moreover, people see driving and owning a car as a status symbol. It's stupid, but anyway, I would also love to experience driving aimlessly while listening to music... Escaping for a few hours like that, it would be nice and refreshing. That's something I won't experience I guess. Same with my parents, especially my mom :( We haven't always had a good relationship, but for the past 4 years, we've been really close and she does her best to understand and support me, although I feel like only someone with similar struggles would truly understand what I'm going through. I'm scared of becoming independent, too, although that's what I'm planning to do. I still live with my parents as well, but I plan to move out on my own, which is most likely going to happen next year. I'm almost 30 btw. I have no friends IRL at the moment. Are you from Europe? Because I am (you don't have to answer that if you're not comfortable disclosing, I'm just curious). Thank you, I really appreciate it <3

Also, how is your experience coming off Seroquel? I took antipsychotics for 8 years and they made my head worse, I'm 3 months clean and feel way better mentally and emotionally. Still depressed, but now I think clearly, no brain fog. The last one I was on was risperidone, it was challenging coming off it, but so worth it! Now all I have to do is taper off diazepam, as it's awful and dangerous coming off it suddenly. It's the only psych med I'm taking, one quarter of a pill.

Yeah I get you, I'm pretty introverted, but I'm desperate for human interaction at times, just not too much. It's hard meeting new people and letting them get to know the real me, and that's a big part of it for me. I really want to make new friends or something more someday, though. I've never felt close or comfortable around others like I have my best (and only) friend, but I've known him most of my life. I feel safe with my therapist, and I'm happy for that because I've never really been able to say that about healthcare professionals. Sometimes I wish I could have 2 hours of time or 2 days a week or something, but it can be stressful and draining. I tend to get frustrated with myself easily. Also, my relationship with my mom has had ups and downs as well, and we've grown closer over the last few years too. I'm glad y'all are closer now, and it's great that you have a different/better perspective on things. And you're right about cars and status symbols, I hate that about the world. I wish things were more genuine and upfront. I hope everything goes well with you moving out, good luck :) Also I'm from the United States, on the east coast :p

As for Seroquel, it's the only antipsychotic I've been on. I was on it for like 2 years, I'm not exactly sure how long. They prescribed me 100mg when I was hospitalized for the second time. They didn't really explain anything to me, and they changed my doses without telling me and stuff, but I'm pretty sure they had me on it just for anxiety. But it's the worst medication I've ever taken. I never want to take medication again. 30 minutes or so after taking it, it made my body feel like it was shutting down, forcing me to sleep. It was scary and painful. It made me feel like my brain was spinning around in my head, like an uncomfortable physical feeling. It blurred my vision at times, numbed my emotions, and my muscles would twitch sometimes. It felt like it completely changed who I am as a person. There was also this genuinely unexplainable feeling that was so terrifying, I wish I had the words to describe it. It was like being in Silent Hill or something. I would have bad anxiety in the mornings, especially if I forgot to take it / didn't take it on time. I also smoked marijuana for basically the whole time I was on it, which I know wasn't smart. I got those bad feelings regardless, but ik weed probably didn't help it, and they most-likely mixed together. I also drank alcohol here and there until I realized how it interacted with the meds and how bad it was messing with me. The only positive thing I can say about Seroquel is it prevented me from really thinking about and considering suicide. Idk how that works, but it shut most of that away.

As for my experience coming off Seroquel though, it's been rough, but thankfully not as terrible as I thought it would be. It only really started getting bad when I stopped taking the last 25mg last week. The morning anxiety is bad, and it's hard to fall asleep, but thankfully I've been sleeping okay. I'm having major identity issues. A couple of times I looked into the mirror and felt like I was looking at a stranger. But the biggest thing is the suicidal thoughts I'm having again. When I was on seroquel I kind of had these vague thoughts about suicide, but never serious ideation or considerations. I'm just glad it's mostly over, it was a nightmare. I hope it gets better, and it's just the meds making me feel this way. But now I wonder who I am, what's actually wrong with me, and if I need to be on medication or not. I'm still on 10mg Lexapro though. It doesn't feel like it does much, but I've been on it for so long I don't know how I would be without it. But anyway lol I hope I feel less confused overtime and that this suicidal ideation won't feel so extreme. Did you take Seroquel?

 

[Hotsackage]

I'm sorry, like i I said in the other thread, I don't like the condescending jabs of professionals or anyone. They literally have no fucking clue. But they do mean well, it's just annoying when you're helpless

 

[Linda]

I'm a 22 year old male. I don't want to be on this planet anymore. The pain is too much to handle. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic. I was such an idiot at therapy today, I could barely speak and she asked if I want to die. I didn't really answer because I was scared, but I wish I would've talked about it, even if i would've ended up in the hospital. I feel like I failed or made myself look creepy because I was smiling and laughing uncontrollably for some reason. I think it's because I'm coming off the last 25mg of Seroquel. That's also probably why these feelings are more intense. I don't want her to think I'm a bad person. She said it reminded her of the joker and I said I didn't like that. I don't think she meant harm by it, but I don't want someone to see me that way.

I feel so alone and disconnected from this world. I don't belong here, I barely feel human. I'm terrified of leaving the house, I'm scared people, cars, and big places. I wasn't built to fit into society, and I don't wanna play this stupid game. I have no goals or ambitions, I never have. All I have is music and 2 people that I love. Just washing the dishes makes me upset. I feel like I'm faking everything. I want some form of independence but I can't be alone too long. I need someone.

Therapy is the only thing I look forward to, I don't really have anything else (apart from seeing my friend every-other weekend). As soon as the session is over, I wish I had more time, and I obsessively think about next week's session.

I don't want to live in a world where my worth is entirely decided on whether or not I can keep a job and drive a 2 ton metal death contraption. It feels like my life has no value. My therapist has reassured me and told me otherwise, it helps in the moment but it doesn't feel true. More than anything I just want to be loved, but that's impossible with how things are. I also wouldn't want to bring my baggage into someone else's life. But I don't know how to heal. I'm not sure if I even can or want to.

I was also sexually abused from age 11-14. I don't know how much impact that's had on my life, but I'm sure it's greater than I realize. I don't know how to talk about it more in depth with my therapist, I don't know if I even need to. She doesn't do certain therapy so I'm not sure if she can help me with it. I feel like she needs to ask more questions to pull my thoughts out, because I don't know what to say, and these charts and "homework" aren't helping me.

I don't have a set plan, I just want this pain to end. I'm not sure if I want to do it or if I even have the courage, but I'm so done with this never-ending pain. I wanted to make more music before dying, I wanted to leave something meaningful behind. I've been so hateful my whole life, while I've had so much love to give. I just want to be seen. I need a hug so bad. I want to see my blood but I don't want to make scars. I wish there was a peaceful way to die. I wish I could find all the perfect words to say and leave them in a note. I don't want to leave without leaving something behind, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to be free, I want to feel peace. I'm worried about what's on the other side. I don't want to go to hell. I'm not sure if I want to go to heaven either. I think I'd rather just stop existing altogether.

There's a lot there, so I'll just pick out three points for the moment.
First, if you feel that you therapy, or parts of it, is not working, or not working as well as you would like, it's importantt that you tell youur therapist. Therapsts are not psychic. She won't know that she needs to change the way she interacts with you unless you tell her.
Second, I think you should talk to her more about the abuse. Even if it's not a topic she is expert in, she will probably be able to help to some extent, and she will know enough to be able to assess whether you need to talk to someone who is an expert.
Third, on the autism thing, do you know where you score on th AQ (Autism Spectrum Quotient) test? You can take the test online. It will give you a score somewhere in the range 0 to 50. Zero means no autistic traits. Most autistic people score 32 or more. The test is not as definitive as a formal medical diagnosis, but it does give you a good indication.

 

[crystal_meth97]

Yeah I get you, I'm pretty introverted, but I'm desperate for human interaction at times, just not too much. It's hard meeting new people and letting them get to know the real me, and that's a big part of it for me. I really want to make new friends or something more someday, though. I've never felt close or comfortable around others like I have my best (and only) friend, but I've known him most of my life. I feel safe with my therapist, and I'm happy for that because I've never really been able to say that about healthcare professionals. Sometimes I wish I could have 2 hours of time or 2 days a week or something, but it can be stressful and draining. I tend to get frustrated with myself easily. Also, my relationship with my mom has had ups and downs as well, and we've grown closer over the last few years too. I'm glad y'all are closer now, and it's great that you have a different/better perspective on things. And you're right about cars and status symbols, I hate that about the world. I wish things were more genuine and upfront. I hope everything goes well with you moving out, good luck :) Also I'm from the United States, on the east coast :p

As for Seroquel, it's the only antipsychotic I've been on. I was on it for like 2 years, I'm not exactly sure how long. They prescribed me 100mg when I was hospitalized for the second time. They didn't really explain anything to me, and they changed my doses without telling me and stuff, but I'm pretty sure they had me on it just for anxiety. But it's the worst medication I've ever taken. I never want to take medication again. 30 minutes or so after taking it, it made my body feel like it was shutting down, forcing me to sleep. It was scary and painful. It made me feel like my brain was spinning around in my head, like an uncomfortable physical feeling. It blurred my vision at times, numbed my emotions, and my muscles would twitch sometimes. It felt like it completely changed who I am as a person. There was also this genuinely unexplainable feeling that was so terrifying, I wish I had the words to describe it. It was like being in Silent Hill or something. I would have bad anxiety in the mornings, especially if I forgot to take it / didn't take it on time. I also smoked marijuana for basically the whole time I was on it, which I know wasn't smart. I got those bad feelings regardless, but ik weed probably didn't help it, and they most-likely mixed together. I also drank alcohol here and there until I realized how it interacted with the meds and how bad it was messing with me. The only positive thing I can say about Seroquel is it prevented me from really thinking about and considering suicide. Idk how that works, but it shut most of that away.

As for my experience coming off Seroquel though, it's been rough, but thankfully not as terrible as I thought it would be. It only really started getting bad when I stopped taking the last 25mg last week. The morning anxiety is bad, and it's hard to fall asleep, but thankfully I've been sleeping okay. I'm having major identity issues. A couple of times I looked into the mirror and felt like I was looking at a stranger. But the biggest thing is the suicidal thoughts I'm having again. When I was on seroquel I kind of had these vague thoughts about suicide, but never serious ideation or considerations. I'm just glad it's mostly over, it was a nightmare. I hope it gets better, and it's just the meds making me feel this way. But now I wonder who I am, what's actually wrong with me, and if I need to be on medication or not. I'm still on 10mg Lexapro though. It doesn't feel like it does much, but I've been on it for so long I don't know how I would be without it. But anyway lol I hope I feel less confused overtime and that this suicidal ideation won't feel so extreme. Did you take Seroquel?

Me too, I sometimes crave human interaction and would love to have an emotional connection with someone, but it's so difficult for me and challenging and I keep getting disappointed by people, no matter how hard I try and how much I get involved. In my case, meeting new people with whom I could get along is almost impossible, as I live in a pretty shitty city, and have no idea where I could find like-minded people. If there are any, that is. I'm glad you have a friend whom you're close with IRL, that must be nice. Same, I don't have very pleasant experiences with mental health professionals, especially psychiatrists. I was lucky to find my therapist I guess. Yeah, it's normal for any relationship to have ups and downs, but if you can see eye to eye or agree to disagree without conflict, I think that's what matters at the end of the day. Thank you, I really hope I can move out and enjoy living by myself :) Cool, I don't know why I thought you're from Europe.

I've never had a psychiatrist who was willing to explain to me how a certain drug works and what side effects I should expect, so I totally understand. It's fucked up how they prescribe antipsychotics for anxiety, it's usually not necessary to take such heavy drugs for it, but I think it's a go-to for many psychiatrists. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar, I got this diagnosis after literally 3 minutes of talking with a psychiatrist while I was hospitalized, no tests, no waiting to assess my symptoms and how they change, no nothing. Before that, I was prescribed antipsychotics for depression, as they believed antidepressants were not enough. And my diagnosis was depression with psychotic features, which surprised me, because I wasn't having delusions or hallucinations or strange beliefs, I was just low and suicidal. I had more or less the same side effects from Seroquel, it's uncanny... I was on it a few years ago for about 2 years, after which they replaced it with something else. For me, this drug did more harm than good, it was awful. I was on 300 mg and I remember it would make me so sleepy. Once I took a pill to sleep in the afternoon, I slept several hours, then I woke up feeling drugged, I had double vision and couldn't walk, it was scary shit. I have no idea why I had that reaction, as my body was used to the substance. Oh, it's similar to what you experieced - in about 30 minutes, I wasn't in control anymore and I had to sleep, I felt exhausted, and couldn't be coherent anymore. When I was using substances I also mixed psych drugs, including Seroquel, with alcohol and weed, sometimes with both lol. I didn't feel any worse, but it's not a good idea anyway. Seroquel and psych meds didn't make me less suicidal - in fact, all my attempts took place while I was medicated, but they were impulsive and failed.

I'm glad your withdrawal symptoms are not completely terrible. The fact that you lowered your dose helped a lot, at least that's how it is from personal experience. Coming off psych drugs should always be done gradually to reduce withdrawal symptoms. My risperidone withdrawal was similar - it wasn't that bad and I also experienced anxiety and had trouble falling asleep but slept decent for the most part. My sleep schedule got fucked for a while, I was falling asleep at 6 AM and would wake up at 3-4 PM, but now it's okay. I feel you when it comes to depersonalization, feeling like you don't recognize yourself in the mirror. I was the same at one point during withdrawal. If your experience is similar to mine, it will get better :) I took Lexapro for 3 years, it was ok, no major or very unpleasant side effects from that one. Your brain is rewiring itself after 2 years of being used to Seroquel, it took me nearly 3 months to feel normal again, but it could be different for you, we react differently to these drugs.

As for the suicidal ideation, my opinion is that no amount of psych drugs is going to make it go away. It's always going to be there to a certain extent. Psych drugs just make you less likely to act on it, well usually, as this was not my case. They won't cure this symptom, they just cover it. I hope you can find a way to manage suicidal ideation so that it's not going to be so bothersome anymore. I know I'm always going to have suicide on my mind, but if I decide to live until my parents die, I have to make living as comfortable and as stress-free as possible.

 

[cymbaline23]

There's a lot there, so I'll just pick out three points for the moment.
First, if you feel that you therapy, or parts of it, is not working, or not working as well as you would like, it's importantt that you tell youur therapist. Therapsts are not psychic. She won't know that she needs to change the way she interacts with you unless you tell her.
Second, I think you should talk to her more about the abuse. Even if it's not a topic she is expert in, she will probably be able to help to some extent, and she will know enough to be able to assess whether you need to talk to someone who is an expert.
Third, on the autism thing, do you know where you score on th AQ (Autism Spectrum Quotient) test? You can take the test online. It will give you a score somewhere in the range 0 to 50. Zero means no autistic traits. Most autistic people score 32 or more. The test is not as definitive as a formal medical diagnosis, but it does give you a good indication.

Thanks for the response. I scored 34 on the AQ. I'll try talking to my therapist about my treatment and stuff. As for the abuse, I don't really know how to talk about it. I don't think about it a lot and I don't know what to say, but I think it's a big part of why i am the way I am. She told me she could refer me to someone who does EMDR therapy or whatever it's called, but idk if I'm strong enough for that right now, and I'd prefer to keep seeing her instead. It's easier for me when they ask questions, but idk how to bring it up or if it's even necessary. The homework she gives me just feel like games or distractions, but maybe I'm not seeing the bigger picture. She asked me before if she needed to change anything, but I just said i wasn't sure.

Me too, I sometimes crave human interaction and would love to have an emotional connection with someone, but it's so difficult for me and challenging and I keep getting disappointed by people, no matter how hard I try and how much I get involved. In my case, meeting new people with whom I could get along is almost impossible, as I live in a pretty shitty city, and have no idea where I could find like-minded people. If there are any, that is. I'm glad you have a friend whom you're close with IRL, that must be nice. Same, I don't have very pleasant experiences with mental health professionals, especially psychiatrists. I was lucky to find my therapist I guess. Yeah, it's normal for any relationship to have ups and downs, but if you can see eye to eye or agree to disagree without conflict, I think that's what matters at the end of the day. Thank you, I really hope I can move out and enjoy living by myself :) Cool, I don't know why I thought you're from Europe.

I've never had a psychiatrist who was willing to explain to me how a certain drug works and what side effects I should expect, so I totally understand. It's fucked up how they prescribe antipsychotics for anxiety, it's usually not necessary to take such heavy drugs for it, but I think it's a go-to for many psychiatrists. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar, I got this diagnosis after literally 3 minutes of talking with a psychiatrist while I was hospitalized, no tests, no waiting to assess my symptoms and how they change, no nothing. Before that, I was prescribed antipsychotics for depression, as they believed antidepressants were not enough. And my diagnosis was depression with psychotic features, which surprised me, because I wasn't having delusions or hallucinations or strange beliefs, I was just low and suicidal. I had more or less the same side effects from Seroquel, it's uncanny... I was on it a few years ago for about 2 years, after which they replaced it with something else. For me, this drug did more harm than good, it was awful. I was on 300 mg and I remember it would make me so sleepy. Once I took a pill to sleep in the afternoon, I slept several hours, then I woke up feeling drugged, I had double vision and couldn't walk, it was scary shit. I have no idea why I had that reaction, as my body was used to the substance. Oh, it's similar to what you experieced - in about 30 minutes, I wasn't in control anymore and I had to sleep, I felt exhausted, and couldn't be coherent anymore. When I was using substances I also mixed psych drugs, including Seroquel, with alcohol and weed, sometimes with both lol. I didn't feel any worse, but it's not a good idea anyway. Seroquel and psych meds didn't make me less suicidal - in fact, all my attempts took place while I was medicated, but they were impulsive and failed.

I'm glad your withdrawal symptoms are not completely terrible. The fact that you lowered your dose helped a lot, at least that's how it is from personal experience. Coming off psych drugs should always be done gradually to reduce withdrawal symptoms. My risperidone withdrawal was similar - it wasn't that bad and I also experienced anxiety and had trouble falling asleep but slept decent for the most part. My sleep schedule got fucked for a while, I was falling asleep at 6 AM and would wake up at 3-4 PM, but now it's okay. I feel you when it comes to depersonalization, feeling like you don't recognize yourself in the mirror. I was the same at one point during withdrawal. If your experience is similar to mine, it will get better :) I took Lexapro for 3 years, it was ok, no major or very unpleasant side effects from that one. Your brain is rewiring itself after 2 years of being used to Seroquel, it took me nearly 3 months to feel normal again, but it could be different for you, we react differently to these drugs.

As for the suicidal ideation, my opinion is that no amount of psych drugs is going to make it go away. It's always going to be there to a certain extent. Psych drugs just make you less likely to act on it, well usually, as this was not my case. They won't cure this symptom, they just cover it. I hope you can find a way to manage suicidal ideation so that it's not going to be so bothersome anymore. I know I'm always going to have suicide on my mind, but if I decide to live until my parents die, I have to make living as comfortable and as stress-free as possible.

I get you, it's hard to get along with people. I'm grateful for my friend. My town kind of sucks too, and mental health treatment where I live is the worst in the country apparently. The psychiatrists I've seen didn't talk to me long enough, felt like they were testing me like a lab rat. I don't know why they put me on Seroquel for anxiety. It makes me wonder if they thought something else was up. When I was hospitalized I was crying uncontrollably and I think I regressed or something. It's the only time something like that has happened to me. But yeah, it's messed up. I'm sorry you had a bad experience too. I can't imagine 300mg of Seroquel. 100mg felt insane for me, ik everyone is different though. Sometimes it would give me these scary feelings like I was going through withdrawals even though I was taking it right. That's what makes me wonder if it was the other substances interacting with it. And yeah, it feels like Seroquel just put everything behind a wall. I felt it but I didn't at the same time.

 

[Linda]

Thanks for the response. I scored 34 on the AQ. I'll try talking to my therapist about my treatment and stuff. As for the abuse, I don't really know how to talk about it. I don't think about it a lot and I don't know what to say, but I think it's a big part of why i am the way I am. She told me she could refer me to someone who does EMDR therapy or whatever it's called, but idk if I'm strong enough for that right now, and I'd prefer to keep seeing her instead. It's easier for me when they ask questions, but idk how to bring it up or if it's even necessary. The homework she gives me just feel like games or distractions, but maybe I'm not seeing the bigger picture. She asked me before if she needed to change anything, but I just said i wasn't sure.

I get you, it's hard to get along with people. I'm grateful for my friend. My town kind of sucks too, and mental health treatment where I live is the worst in the country apparently. The psychiatrists I've seen didn't talk to me long enough, felt like they were testing me like a lab rat. I don't know why they put me on Seroquel for anxiety. It makes me wonder if they thought something else was up. When I was hospitalized I was crying uncontrollably and I think I regressed or something. It's the only time something like that has happened to me. But yeah, it's messed up. I'm sorry you had a bad experience too. I can't imagine 300mg of Seroquel. 100mg felt insane for me, ik everyone is different though. Sometimes it would give me these scary feelings like I was going through withdrawals even though I was taking it right. That's what makes me wonder if it was the other substances interacting with it. And yeah, it feels like Seroquel just put everything behind a wall. I felt it but I didn't at the same time.

"As for the abuse, I don't really know how to talk about it." If you want, you can PM me and we can try to talk about it. That would give you some practice for talking to your therapist. You wouldn't be the first person who has opened up to me about childhood abuse.