Venting I failed

[wanttosleep]

I failed in my attempt to CTB with inert gas. It took so much time and mental effort for me to actually turn the gas on and place my hands in the ropes ties and sitting back and listening to my last song only for a minute or two to pass still awake and conscious heart beating fast filling my ear with my heart beat and a growing headache. Suddenly fearing it would fail and my scheduled message would go out while still alive I ripped off the hood. But after failing in life also now failing to CTB I feel even emptier and dejected than before. I don't know what to do or even feel. I had prepped and planned everything for weeks to end up at the moment expecting to have CTB only to now have to live for more time while I fix my setup or try something else. There was so much finality to my final steps that I don't know what to do anymore I don't feel like I want to or even have mental will power to CTB anymore

 

[Amyend88]

Please don't see yourself as a failure; CTB is never easy.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry your attempt failed. SI is so difficult to defeat. Don't be too hard to yourself. Living is hard and dying is even harder. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace.

 

[antilife]

I'm so sorry. This is my biggest fear, I also want to do it with inert gas. Damn, why is this so hard? Don't give up. I understand you feel completely lost right now but people have made it, you can too. I wish you the best

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so horrible how we cannot just die in peace without risks and complications but anyway I wish you the best, it must be awful going through that, a suicide attempt going wrong is exactly what I would fear.

 

[cryvinglightning]

it's hard to CTB. please don't be too hard on yourself. i hope you can find some peace and pick yourself up.

 

[carac]

I don't believe in religion or god, I don't believe in fate, there could be something out there I dont understand, I don't know. All I really have is my feelings and intuition. I have failed a few attempts, I now I have this feeling deep down, I don't know where it comes from but I believe it wasn't my time to go. Maybe the same is true for you and maybe you don't see it now but myabe it wasn't your time to go yet.

 

[jacob5]

If you want to talk about could you consider PM'ing me. Maybe taking to someone could make you feel better

 

[fallintotheshadows]

You did a very good job if you tried to do it right then and there. You already had at least gotten over the part of at least starting it. Which when you think about it that's really good! That may mean the jumping method may be a better fit or something that's more of a you can't turn back when you start it

 

[wanttosleep]

You did a very good job if you tried to do it right then and there. You already had at least gotten over the part of at least starting it. Which when you think about it that's really good! That may mean the jumping method may be a better fit or something that's more of a you can't turn back when you start it

I have thought about jumping but always seems so messy and potentially traumatizing to anyone who sees it or the aftermath. I also don't know I could handle knowing the fear I would have to feel as I plummeted down. I chose inert because I thought it would a short time til unconscious and painless.

I'm sorry your attempt failed. SI is so difficult to defeat. Don't be too hard to yourself. Living is hard and dying is even harder. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace.

I overcame my si I let go of my earthly tethers and it took everything I had mentally but when I didn't lose consciousness after a minute I knew something was wrong. I was afraid of being saved before I fully CTB hence why I stopped. But thank you.

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

The gas method is complicated and difficult to do on you own.

 

[Mare Imbrium]

I failed in my attempt to CTB with inert gas. It took so much time and mental effort for me to actually turn the gas on and place my hands in the ropes ties and sitting back and listening to my last song only for a minute or two to pass still awake and conscious heart beating fast filling my ear with my heart beat and a growing headache. Suddenly fearing it would fail and my scheduled message would go out while still alive I ripped off the hood. But after failing in life also now failing to CTB I feel even emptier and dejected than before. I don't know what to do or even feel. I had prepped and planned everything for weeks to end up at the moment expecting to have CTB only to now have to live for more time while I fix my setup or try something else. There was so much finality to my final steps that I don't know what to do anymore I don't feel like I want to or even have mental will power to CTB anymore

I can feel with you, I failed with nitrogen, too.
Do you feel some aftereffects?

 

[wanttosleep]

I can feel with you, I failed with nitrogen, too.
Do you feel some aftereffects?

Only the headache which has mostly gone away. Did you have any aftereffect?

 

[exitplease]

I failed with N2 too, I know how dejected and hopeless you must feel right now...:(

 

[Mare Imbrium]

Yes, massive, because I was ill already before.

 

[ThisIsLife]

The way you put it and since english is not my native language i don't really understand if you failed because your SI kicked in or if there was a technical problem with your setup; could you tell me more on what exactly happened OP ?

 

[Mare Imbrium]

I failed with N2 too, I know how dejected and hopeless you must feel right now...:(

How did you fail if I may ask.

 

[wanttosleep]

The way you put it and since english is not my native language i don't really understand if you failed because your SI kicked in or if there was a technical problem with your setup; could you tell me more on what exactly happened OP ?

I think there is a problem with my setup because from what I read blackout should occur around 20-30 sec and I had been breathing n2 for about a 60 seconds and I was not having any symptoms besides a slight headache and my heart beating faster which could be from adrenaline. I aborted consciously as there may be a problem and not properly CTB

Yes, massive, because I was ill already before.

I'm sorry that really sucks. Did you abort or did not work correctly?

 

[ThisIsLife]

I think there is a problem with my setup because from what I read blackout should occur around 20-30 sec and I had been breathing n2 for about a 60 seconds and I was not having any symptoms besides a slight headache and my heart beating faster which could be from adrenaline. I aborted consciously as there may be a problem and not properly CTB

The details you gave makes me think the problem was CO2 starting to buildup, which means oxygen wasn't properly flushed, which means that if you want to troubleshoot this you should start with the hood.

If the inner mask of the hood was properly snug onto your face and the flow rate between 15 and 25Lpm, there's no reason for the oxygen to not be flushed.

 

[jacob5]

I failed in my attempt to CTB with inert gas. It took so much time and mental effort for me to actually turn the gas on and place my hands in the ropes ties and sitting back and listening to my last song only for a minute or two to pass still awake and conscious heart beating fast filling my ear with my heart beat and a growing headache. Suddenly fearing it would fail and my scheduled message would go out while still alive I ripped off the hood. But after failing in life also now failing to CTB I feel even emptier and dejected than before. I don't know what to do or even feel. I had prepped and planned everything for weeks to end up at the moment expecting to have CTB only to now have to live for more time while I fix my setup or try something else. There was so much finality to my final steps that I don't know what to do anymore I don't feel like I want to or even have mental will power to CTB anymore

Hello, what I'm about to write is going to be weird, but considering that soon you might not be with us anymore, I wanted to tell you something. I wanted to thank you. On Saturday, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I decided to look for a painless way to CBT, because maybe then I could bring myself to do it. I heard about this forum in a YouTube video and thought that this place might be a good place to start. Your post from Friday, where you said that you would CBT during the weekend, was one of the first that I saw. It felt awful to read. I'm not sure why, but something broke in me after I read it. I thought about my life and decided that I didn't want to kill myself. I know that saying this is weird, but I wanted to let you know that you have helped me, even though I have never seen you in my life.

I know that it's not ok for me to do this, and I don't know anything about your life and I don't deserve to ask you of this, but can you please call a suicide hotline? I know that I will get a lot of hate for saying this, and I shouldn't have asked you that, but I don't want the person who changed my life to die in a couple of days. That's not what you deserve. If you want, I can tell you my number if you want someone to talk to. I owe you at least that.

Sorry for not saying it in a private message, but my account is too new to PM people (or I dont know how to do it).

 

[dizzdesi]

I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about using inert gas but it is very difficult, time-consuming and meticulous. An even bigger hurdle is SI. Death isn't easy, so please don't blame yourself. I hope at some point you'll succeed in whatever will make you happiest.

 

[CharizardEX]

I failed in my attempt to CTB with inert gas. It took so much time and mental effort for me to actually turn the gas on and place my hands in the ropes ties and sitting back and listening to my last song only for a minute or two to pass still awake and conscious heart beating fast filling my ear with my heart beat and a growing headache. Suddenly fearing it would fail and my scheduled message would go out while still alive I ripped off the hood. But after failing in life also now failing to CTB I feel even emptier and dejected than before. I don't know what to do or even feel. I had prepped and planned everything for weeks to end up at the moment expecting to have CTB only to now have to live for more time while I fix my setup or try something else. There was so much finality to my final steps that I don't know what to do anymore I don't feel like I want to or even have mental will power to CTB anymore

What was your set up like if you don't mind me asking