That sounds like an awful situation to be in, it's just so horrifying how many methods can potentially fail, causing us to suffer more. This world really is so cruel and nightmarish and I hate the fact that it can be difficult to leave it all behind. In an ideal world, we would all have access to reliable and peaceful methods without having to worry about the chance of failure, but unfortunately that's not the reality. But I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.