I failed | SN

[TiredofLife-Thanks]

I had all the materials available and all that was left was to drink a few more pills and the SN, but my mother suddenly showed up at home. According to her, "a bad feeling". Was fate playing with me?
I couldn't stand the pressure. I was already fighting the self-preservation instinct and collapsed. I felt like that this was not the moment. I didn't say anything, but she knew what I was about to do. My mother and I cried together and she convinced me to leave the house and breathe. In addition to seeking psychological help, which I had long since abandoned.
She looked genuinely hurt. And I didn't have the courage to contradict anything she told me. It was the first time I made my mother cry. I just apologized.
Unfortunately, I find myself on a path of no return. As soon as I have another opportunity, I'll take my things and leave. It was a mistake to have decided to die at home. But I quit my job and I don't have any money left. I'm sorry guys, I just wanted to vent.
I feel ashamed. I feel like a hindrance. I want to disappear so badly.
I'm sorry and I have a feeling that going forward things are only going to get worse.

 

[cali22♡]

It's really hard for parents to understand how you feel when you don't speak. . . If you don't talk, no one will know how you feel. . . I am deeply sorry that it has hurt your mother. . . as you said, now would be the perfect time for help. . .


One day everything will be better

I promise


Please take care of yourself and your mother


Thank you

<3

 

[SVEN]

Just hang in there as best you can, ToL. You're in a horrid and distressing position, but please do vent on here all you want if it helps at all. Thinking of you.

 

[athiestjoe]

I am so sorry to hear it did not work out. But it sounds you have mind decided after evaluating what your desires truly are and plan to at your next opportunity. Until then, please feel free to vent away, you got a lot of awesome folks on the site who understand the struggles and difficulties including how unreasonably horrible things are.

With whatever you decide, I hope you find peace & serenity,

 

[coffeebeany]

I had all the materials available and all that was left was to drink a few more pills and the SN, but my mother suddenly showed up at home. According to her, "a bad feeling". Was fate playing with me?
I couldn't stand the pressure. I was already fighting the self-preservation instinct and collapsed. I felt like that this was not the moment. I didn't say anything, but she knew what I was about to do. My mother and I cried together and she convinced me to leave the house and breathe. In addition to seeking psychological help, which I had long since abandoned.
She looked genuinely hurt. And I didn't have the courage to contradict anything she told me. It was the first time I made my mother cry. I just apologized.
Unfortunately, I find myself on a path of no return. As soon as I have another opportunity, I'll take my things and leave. It was a mistake to have decided to die at home. But I quit my job and I don't have any money left. I'm sorry guys, I just wanted to vent.
I feel ashamed. I feel like a hindrance. I want to disappear so badly.
I'm sorry and I have a feeling that going forward things are only going to get worse.

I am so sorry that you have to go through that. This must be a really distressing situation to be in such a limbo and to take your mother's pain into account. I keep you in my thoughts and we are all here to listen if that helps.

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I can only imagine how horrible that must've felt, especially seeing your mother cry, please don't ever feel bad for that, it's not your fault, I know you must be feeling like a burden but you're absolutely not, you're trying your best I can feel it and I'm so proud of you for that, and your mother sounds like she loves you and cares about you. Maybe giving psychological help a shot would be a great idea, please reconsider if there's a chance you can recover and get better, let ctb be the absolute last resort option. Sending lots of hugs

 

[TiredofLife-Thanks]

Thank you to everyone who responded or reacted. Really.
I'm crying now, for real. It's a mixture of anguish, despair, with a feeling of being worthless. At the same time I feel that everything is unfair. I feel like I've been dead for so long, but I have to pretend to be a functional human being.

 

[coffeebeany]

Thank you to everyone who responded or reacted. Really.
I'm crying now, for real. It's a mixture of anguish, despair, with a feeling of being worthless. At the same time I feel that everything is unfair. I feel like I've been dead for so long, but I have to pretend to be a functional human being.

I know exactly how you feel. All your feelings are valid. You are not worthless. You are in a distressing and painful situation. And some things are beyond our control. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I also feel like I ve been dying very small deaths each day for years. This is surely not what we all wanted but this is what's happened. And we are all trying to deal with it. I m sending you a hug.

 

[TiredofLife-Thanks]

And I can't put into words how much you seem to understand me, even if we've never met. I am very grateful.

I know exactly how you feel. All your feelings are valid. You are not worthless. You are in a distressing and painful situation. And some things are beyond our control. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I also feel like I ve been dying very small deaths each day for years. This is surely not what we all wanted but this is what's happened. And we are all trying to deal with it. I m sending you a hug.

I just wrote how much you seem to understand me and seconds later I read your comment... Wow, you want me to cry more. Thank you so much for the kind words, they mean a lot.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to disappear, to me existence really is so cruel, I hope you find peace eventually.

 

[cherryblossom]

And I can't put into words how much you seem to understand me, even if we've never met. I am very grateful.

I understand you completely and perfectly and you're not alone in this, you're never alone, please keep that in mind at all times, we're all in this together, I too went through something where I was just wishing I never even existed in the first place, so that I wouldn't be such a pain and a burden to my parents and the people that loved me, but then I slowly came to the realization that I'm worthy of love and help and I'm enough just as I am, I deserve a chance to feel better, and it does get better I promise, you will look back at this moment and be so proud of how strong and incredibly brave you were to face life despite how horrible it feels at the time. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and I send you a lot of love and healing energy. You can heal from anything and you can ask for help, let the people that love you take care of you, try to tell someone you trust what's going on, you never know how incredibly helpful that might be. You're worthy and you are loved

 

[Rudeus_Greyrat]

I had all the materials available and all that was left was to drink a few more pills and the SN, but my mother suddenly showed up at home. According to her, "a bad feeling". Was fate playing with me?
I couldn't stand the pressure. I was already fighting the self-preservation instinct and collapsed. I felt like that this was not the moment. I didn't say anything, but she knew what I was about to do. My mother and I cried together and she convinced me to leave the house and breathe. In addition to seeking psychological help, which I had long since abandoned.
She looked genuinely hurt. And I didn't have the courage to contradict anything she told me. It was the first time I made my mother cry. I just apologized.
Unfortunately, I find myself on a path of no return. As soon as I have another opportunity, I'll take my things and leave. It was a mistake to have decided to die at home. But I quit my job and I don't have any money left. I'm sorry guys, I just wanted to vent.
I feel ashamed. I feel like a hindrance. I want to disappear so badly.
I'm sorry and I have a feeling that going forward things are only going to get worse.

And that's why I think that, despite liking the idea of dying in my own bed, in my own room, I wouldn't take the risk to die in my house. If my parents interrupted me, probably I wouldn't get a second chance.

 

[ihateearth]

Your mom really loves you and you can get another job. She likely felt and knew you were very sad. It's good she's encouraging you to get help. Sometimes psychological help resets people and can make our lives better or start a process to improve things.

It's easy to understand you're feeling immense guilt and very sad, but leaving home now isn't good as you're hurting a lot and need support. It would also hurt your mom more. Others have failed CTB attempts too and family who've walked in and stopped them. I've had a similar situation.

I know it may seem like the end of your world but it will be ok. These things can happen to open new possibilities and healing. I'm happy your mom loves you so much and listened to her inner voice to check on you. Others don't have people who care about them. Money and a job can be replaced. Don't forget that too. What's in your wallet is not your value. You matter.

 

[moody_cupcakes]

I had all the materials available and all that was left was to drink a few more pills and the SN, but my mother suddenly showed up at home. According to her, "a bad feeling". Was fate playing with me?
I couldn't stand the pressure. I was already fighting the self-preservation instinct and collapsed. I felt like that this was not the moment. I didn't say anything, but she knew what I was about to do. My mother and I cried together and she convinced me to leave the house and breathe. In addition to seeking psychological help, which I had long since abandoned.
She looked genuinely hurt. And I didn't have the courage to contradict anything she told me. It was the first time I made my mother cry. I just apologized.
Unfortunately, I find myself on a path of no return. As soon as I have another opportunity, I'll take my things and leave. It was a mistake to have decided to die at home. But I quit my job and I don't have any money left. I'm sorry guys, I just wanted to vent.
I feel ashamed. I feel like a hindrance. I want to disappear so badly.
I'm sorry and I have a feeling that going forward things are only going to get worse.

Just got my SN. Hopefully tomorrow

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I feel so sorry for both you and your mother, that must've been very hard and stressful. Wish you all the best, and feel free to vent whenever you need to - We are all here to care for ourselves.

 

[Rejection]

Yes, the choice to take SN at home was not a smart one and perhaps it was you who unconsciously decided to drink it at home in the hope of being saved by someone. The best place to do it is out in the open, in a forest or on the beach at night, somewhere abandoned where no one will ever find you.
"You live together, you die alone" - Lost