Thank you, I will certainly try my hardest. I've always understood it would be hard on her but your posts have really shined a light and made it more "real." I'm so sorry you're going through thisThank you so much for sharing your story! Hold on to your mom support it will get better.. losing a child is the worst pain ever. As you can see I'm suicidal due to my child loss..
Try!! Thank you so much let me know if I can help you
attheend13
Member
- Oct 1, 2023
- 63
I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I read a lot of very visceral responses to your post. I'm a mom but my kids are grown. I get it, because I know my kids will have more stable lives once I'm gone but they are not living with me anymore. Please continue to speak here and I saw you're going to try therapy again, good for you. Don't go silent because I know it takes a lot just to open up here. Life is for the living not the walking dead. But those babies need to believe that ctb isn't an answer. For us as grown adults who can reflect in chances missed or destroyed, on love lost and hope faded, CTB should be our right. I think you're in deep grief and you need support to deal with the grief first. In my case isn't an event no matter how terrible that has made me decide to CTB. It's being rotten to my core, being a burden. Grieve first and see where you are on the other side. I hope you find a way to stay for your babies. I also hope you will continue to speak your truth here. It's the only place I can and if I get shut down here there isn't another place. I'm setting my date today as July 1st. I'll be there for my daughters 20th and my other daughters 22nd and I hope to gift them the lady if my money and take this time to pay my debts and close down my life. You've still got reason to live please keep talking and grieving and just don't make a decision yet. For me the dye is cast ( no pun intended).
Thank you so much @attheend13 i appreciate your response. I don't know what to anymore. My son was only 14 he didn't even know what's pain means. I loved him so much but he killed himself. He lived with me I was his mother so I can't blame anyone but me. I was suppose to protect him but I didn't. I feel like he chose to shoot himself over me and his life. I don't think I'm anyone will use the gun to kill themselves unless they are hurt so much and not knowing what caused his pain is killing but all fingers point at me. I can't stop my pain and it's hurting me. You think I don't love my 2 young children I love them so much but how I'm going to help them if I can't help myself. I just want to know that I'm not the reason for my son death. I prayed and asked god to give me signs some type of closure because without it I don't think I can survive
Thank you so much for your response @AbusedInnocent I'm so lost right now! I agree with you my children need me but I'm not around right now either. I'm too miserable my son death changed me and changed everything about me. I tried medications but they only makes you numb and therapy is just a waste of time I did a couple of session in may it didn't help me. It's not just my son death it's the kind of death suicide with fire arm. You gotta be in sever pain to do it that way and I had no clue
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Do you know whether there are any local charities or support groups for people bereaved by suicide? I feel like you need peer support from people who truly understand what you're going through.
Things are bound to feel terrible for you at the moment. It's no wonder that you're struggling to cope.
From a selfish point of view- I have to be honest though. My Mum died when I was 3. Of natural causes rather than suicide but I'm sure you can imagine- it massively affected my Dad. My Grandparents raised me till I was 10. My Dad still continued to work. I saw him evenings and weekends. I think he probably did consider suicide for a bit.
Really though, life's been so hard without my Mum. It's a large part of what defines the worst part of me. I don't think I've ever gotten over it. Some things, we just don't get over. My Dad obviously became my whole world really. I don't know what I would have done without him. It's pretty confusing growing up without one or both parents. There are fewer reference points for why you are the way you are.
I don't mean to really guilt trip you but, even if you can't be there for your other children right now because you are struggling so much, I suspect they will need you in the future. It's kind of pathetic but I'm 44 and I cry for my Mum most days. It's affected me in waves throughout my life. I kind of thought it would be over by now.
I really think you need more support though. I hope you receive it.
Things are bound to feel terrible for you at the moment. It's no wonder that you're struggling to cope.
From a selfish point of view- I have to be honest though. My Mum died when I was 3. Of natural causes rather than suicide but I'm sure you can imagine- it massively affected my Dad. My Grandparents raised me till I was 10. My Dad still continued to work. I saw him evenings and weekends. I think he probably did consider suicide for a bit.
Really though, life's been so hard without my Mum. It's a large part of what defines the worst part of me. I don't think I've ever gotten over it. Some things, we just don't get over. My Dad obviously became my whole world really. I don't know what I would have done without him. It's pretty confusing growing up without one or both parents. There are fewer reference points for why you are the way you are.
I don't mean to really guilt trip you but, even if you can't be there for your other children right now because you are struggling so much, I suspect they will need you in the future. It's kind of pathetic but I'm 44 and I cry for my Mum most days. It's affected me in waves throughout my life. I kind of thought it would be over by now.
I really think you need more support though. I hope you receive it.
Thank you so much @Forever Sleep for your input and sharing your experience and I'm so sorry you had to live your childhood without your mom, it's really painful I know. I know someone who lost her son recently and I tried to connect but she is not sad or grieving she's fine I'm sure she is but she's not showing it. I'm going to attend support group online the insurance doesn't cover online groups but I'm going to do it and see. I don't have anyone around that can really understand what I'm going through and honestly sometimes they don't know what to say I prob do the same thing if it's vice versa. I isolate myself after work and I think because I'm thinking about suicide I feel some type of relief that I'm closer to see my son. I know it's wrong I'm trying not to so let's see.. they do have peer specialists but not for grieving. I feel guilty for breathing can you believe that?
Hey badtothebone, replied before but checking up, PMs are always open if you ever want to vent. As someone with depression and anxiety, the fact that you're here questioning yourself, your actions, your motives and how you were with your son proves you cared deeply, a real monster, or heartless parent would not care or be here on this website and feel so much compassion and guilt. Feeling immense guilt doesn't mean you're guilty, please believe that it's a natural response and your brain is tricking you into feeling undeserved guilt for something that was out of your hands. You provided food, a roof over his head, unconditional love, fun days, whether you feel you did or not, you've already surpassed many other parents in this world who truly neglect their children and are still here. Sometimes you can do everything right, as a parent, and still bad things happen.
There are so many people in this life who have come from horrible parents and childhoods, I read about these experiences all the time, a parent's influence only tells a portion of a person's story.
I want to die due to years of mental illness and pain. My parents have provided a lot for me, and still do, but I still desire to escape the pain. It's absolutely nothing to do with how they've been with me, this is my condition. We've talked about my feelings and pain, and they know that it's my brain which is at fault. Despite the pain, even when we argue and I lash out, or they lash out at me, and we say hurtful things to each other, or I feel like running away to god knows where, the love is still there, it doesn't make them bad parents.
You didn't fail here, this world and life failed you and your son, just like it's failing me and many of us here, and those who have gone. Even then, there's a lot of good and beauty in this world to experience amongst the sadness and pain. You've been let down by the powers that be, whoever the hell they are, I'm sorry for that. I'm more of an agnostic nowadays, but there's a well known christian pastor, Rick Warren, sold millions of books, whose son took his own life by shooting himself. You can tell they really loved him, they had sent him to the best doctors and treatments in the US, and it still wasn't enough. The son Matthew had openly discussed wanting to die, he knew his parents loved him. Love unfortunately isn't enough, mental illness doesn't give care if you're rich, good looking, popular, funny, loved, it can take anyone from all walks of life. Sometimes you can do everything right. The guilt you're feeling is understandable.
It's so clear you loved your son from only a few of your posts, believe me he knew it, and he's so sorry for everything, because I'm him. If you've tried a crappy therapist, try another, sometimes it takes a while to find one that fits well with you, not everyone is so great at their job unfortunately!
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Z-A
Let me go
- Mar 3, 2024
- 305
This is so irresponsible. I understand that you're hurt, but the way you worded that was wrong. Abandoning the children you brought into this world and shifting your responsibility to someone else is just wrong. You, of course, have the right to CTB no matter what, but what you're thinking is harmful. I hope you're aware of that.
I don't expect any of you to understand what I'm going through! I totally agree with and I just worded what I feel without being creative. Since my son died my sister is taking care of my children most of the time she's very supportive in this area.. living with grieving parent is not healthy for them either.. thank you so much for your response
Thank you for your sympathy too. I think you're doing incredibly well just to continue. Even to be working again has to be so tough.
You think there would be better resources out there. It has to be such a traumatic thing to happen. I hope the online support group turns out to be helpful.
It almost sounds like survivors guilt that you have. Sometimes I wondered if I had/ have that. Friends of the family once let slip that my Mum delayed having chemo because she was pregnant with me. Otherwise, she would have survived. I found that so hard to live with. When I eventually talked about it with my Dad, he said that wasn't the case but I'm not convinced he's just trying to spare me. Anyhow- sorry to go on about me.
But yeah, I expect grief is such a complex thing and I don't think a suicide is like regular death in terms of the grief process. I think people need and ought to get much more support for it.
Dot
Info abt typng styl on prfle.
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,828
@J'sSister - perhps u cld connct OP t/ sme suicde survivr breavemnt spport servces as slf sw u dscussng thm on othr threds
Thank you so much, my friend! Appreciate your response. I'll private chat you later today..
Thank you so much! Appreciate that
It's not your fault @Forever Sleep cancer takes loved ones regardless they did chemo or not. My psychiatric told me the same about survival guilt he even shared his mom death and how guilty he felt about not answering her calls. @Dot mentioned group in here I'll see if I can be added. Thank you so much
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It hurts me that you are still suffering the loss of your mom all these years later, not having known her even. My kids are going to lose me.... because I am suffering so much in all ways (neurologically, physically injured plus brain damage and am tortured) - I can not bear this, even for them, as much as I want to. And it KILLS me, that I am going to hurt them by my leaving, especially in the way that I will. It's going to be devastating and the pain of that adds to my torture. Your mom... it is beautiful if she delayed treatment to have you. That's what mothers try to do. We try to love and protect our babies. What a beautiful testimony of her love for you, so early on. Please don't feel guilt for that because it's beautiful. Truly beautiful.
I'm so sorry for your pain and all the worry you feel. It's not really for any of us to judge others. There's no way of knowing what another person is feeling and whether they truly can't hang on anymore. I just have a rather biased view I guess having experienced the other side of it- but not with suicide.
Yes, I suppose once you realise you're pregnant, lots of maternal feelings come in to play. My Mum in particular desperately wanted children but my parents were told it would be a 'medical impossibility'. I get the impression that their doctors were just shit to be honest. It was a misdiagnosis initially that missed her cancer. I'm glad she got her wish before she died. I just wish it hadn't involved me. It just feels such a waste. I think she loved life. I've hated the majority of mine.
I'm sorry for your suffering. On the flip side, it's hard to know whether her being around would have been any better for you. There's lots of people on here with parents, 2 good parents, who are struggling still. I've struggled mentally at times...low level depression, I guess, but still found meaning in life through what I had, my children, my faith etc. I'm scared for my children....I hope that they can overcome this. I'm scared for them. I love them so much it hurts me so much more. I just keep thinking..... there's kids who have it worse... sexual and physical abuse, being starved, trafficked, etc, etc. My kids, though this is going to be extremely painful and traumatic, they will have eachother and their father and others who love them. They will still have a shot at a good life and even if it's hard, they will be extremely unlikely to suffer what I am. It's not my fault....I didn't ask for this, for something that is too much to bear or overcome or live with.
I think it will help them tremendously to have that support. May I ask, does your husband know your full situation and how you feel? Does he support you? It was very much impressed upon me by my Dad that it wouldn't be fair to wish my Mum back. She didn't suicide but she was suffering greatly at the end. As he (rightly) explained it- when we truly love someone, we can't want them to struggle on under those conditions.
Honestly, in my case, I suspect things would have turned out differently had she survived. My life took a complete nose dive when I was 10 and my Dad remarried. But, that's something else.
I do take your meaning though and I understand the general concern that parents have. If they feel unable to hold it together, they must also worry what affect that may have on them. It's got to feel like being trapped between a rock and a hard place. I'm so sorry. Sorry to you OP too for derailing your thread. How are you doing today?
SonicFan1994
Member
- Jun 17, 2024
- 78
I know OP replied how, but I would also like to make you aware that, at least where I'm at (without revealing too much, southern USA), it's not all that uncommon for minors to have a gun. By 15, my grandpa had gifted me a shotgun. I probably would have been given it sooner if I didn't have signs that I was depressed. Of course, I'd probably never use it for that purpose, I feel it taints the gift, but I imagine there's many people like me who are given guns or at least have very easy access to guns in my general geographic area.
You're right @ThatStateOfMind same here! we have guns all over I have one in my car my dad have some my ex has one my sister has. We put them in safe places they are not toys for kids.. I know my son used one to end his life but I don't feel guilty or questioned my dad. My son made that decision if there is no guns there are other options.
The detective who is working on his case told me " he didn't feel a thing" I guess to calm me down or something..
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