Venting i failed my attempt.

[wiinterfrost]

hi everyone. sorry for just disappearing for weeks. lol i know i probably shouldn't be apologising, but yeah. idk
i wrote a whole ass long ass story thing about my failed attempt but... i decided not to post it. i want to write it again, but differently this time. idk

so about a week ago i tried to hang myself in the forest. partial, because finding a tree for full suspension was impossible, even after hours of searching the days before.
i was kneeling and had the cord wrapped around the trunk. the setup was pretty perfect with the way the noose would immediately tighten if i pushed forward.

so yeah. i tried to push forward on three separate occasions, each time feeling more and more that moment where you're close to passing out, but backed out and made myself fall backwards at the last second. i believe i could have succeeded.survival instinct was so strong. i was angry and disappointed but i just couldn't do it. even if i KNEW there is no other option.

so... yeah. this past week i have been drowning my feelings in playing an online game. but idk i feel horribla about it all. but i have to come to terms with it because either i try again this week, or i lose my chance to easily do it in the forest. i currently have no home so i am living at different people's places for about a month at a time and i haven't even planned for next month. i'm gonna have to go back to the city. i can't. i don't want to. i am stuck and i don't want to be here.

that's all. fuck SI.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer like that, I find it so dreadful how it's so unnecessarily difficult for one to die on their own terms. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Helween]

i relate alot from what you are going through knowing that I myself have limited time and can't afford to fail my attempt. feeling ironically the rope of despair tightening. I wish you to find a way and/or the courage to get out of it.

 

[theboy]

I hear you. The SI was also activated when I tried to hang myself from a tree.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

FWIW - Everybody fails partial. It's basically a low risk = low reward method. Easy to set up - hard to pull off. The speed and depth at which unconsciousness is achieved is actually unique to each human body. It's the same reason there are light sleepers and heavy sleepers, those who fall asleep quickly and those who take a while. I really feel the ability to pull off partial is a feature only certain people have (those whom passing out comes easy for).

Hold off until you can find a place for full suspension. It's just far more reliable and works on the same mechanic of it being relatively painless once you've lost consciousness. I hope you get your chance to do it in a forest, as that sounds very peaceful - but even if you don't, keep in mind it's only 15 or so seconds of awareness if you do it right (I'd recommend looking at multiple guides first).

 

[inutil]

Don't feel bad, don't feel ashamed, CTB is very difficult.
Methods that allow for withdrawal are more prone to failure.
take a ladder or chair, tie the rope to a higher branch, kick the chair or ladder, this way there will be no way to give up, I've already tried 3 times with the exit bag and ended up tearing them, I'm going to try to overdose, since If I swallow there will be no return.

 

[wiinterfrost]

thanks for the replies, folks. i am so tired.
i know i haven't interacted much here and being away from this site was necessary, but just the reminder there are others going through this is something. failing suicide is a very lonely thing, and here there are people who understand.

(I'd recommend looking at multiple guides first).

i haven't seen many guides for full suspension. is there anything like a digital pamphlet for that specifically?
otherwise i have read through a few threads here and wrote down information in a document. i mean, i think i am informed enough, but my nd brain appreciates a well organised pamphlet, so if there is such a thing for full suspension, i wouldn't be opposed to re-reading that.

 

[fkyou]

It's already distressing to attempt hanging or partial.let alone it not working.