Story I fail to see the point in doing anything.

[thisiswhoiam-]

All day every day pain haunts me. Too many problems, I can't fix them. But let's imagine I do. What happens:
Even if i fix endless physical health problems(i'll probably die before i get results from chest CT scan since it takes 2 weeks for results), then
I still need money to pay taxes i can't make out of thin air, then
I'm still stuck with my family that I hated all these years, didn't move out because I can't function at all, then
I need to make money while being a non-functional schizoid dropout that never worked a normal job. with mixed anxiety-depression disorder, then
I have a benzo addiction developed after spending a fortune at the best psychiatric hospital in my country where they said they can't help me, then
I've been suicidal for years which means my life already hit the low point after which living is just misery extended for no reason with no recovery
And it could go on and on.
I never experienced any trauma but I still turned out like this, which differentiates me from most people from what I've seen. I have some kind of personality disorder where I don't form relationships with anyone, don't enjoy anything, and do as little as possible my whole life. That's why drugs and therapy don't work. Life was never for me, being born was a mistake.

The train tracks are so close but I still haven't finished the job. Every day when I don't try to CTB feels like a waste, or more like it is a waste.Every day is a lost chance that can have critical consequences.

 

[marudekinoumitai]

I'm sorry, it sucks to feel this way :/ I also struggle with the pain of feeling like there's no reason to do anything.

One thing about your post I thought was interesting: you say you don't have trauma, but you're stuck with a family you hate and can't form relationships. I'm no expert, but it sounds like maybe you do have some trauma - I think a lot of people's understanding of trauma is too narrow. Have you ever heard of complex PTSD? I've been reading about it lately and your story sounds kind of familiar to me.

Anyway idk if that helps, but I hope you find peace one way or another.

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that there could never be any relief from suffering in this world and I think it's true that not everyone is meant for existing here, at least that's the way that I see things. I see it as being so cruel to procreate and so unfairly burden people with existence, as to never exist would had prevented all these unnecessary problems. I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you search for.

 

[warmsand]

As another member said, it seems like you do have some form of trauma. Don't feel guilty that you "turned out like this." It is not your fault.

You say you're a schizoid - same here - and often times, that disorder develops as a result of severe childhood emotional neglect or C-PTSD. Emotional neglect is swept under the rug as a type of traumatic experience, but its repercussions can be super severe.

Being a schizoid is complex because it's incredibly likely for the sufferer to blame themselves for their problems, as you did here (and admittedly as I do, too).

Life was never for me

Life was just unfair to you. You were not born like this. At some point, we had potential that was forcefully ripped away from us. It is not our faults. It's hard to believe but it is true.

I am truly sorry to hear you suffering like this. Reading your words, I relate to them heavily. I know firsthand the pain of not being able to form connections. If you want to talk about it, I am here.