Venting I don’t want to try anymore.

[flightlessbutterfly]

Stupid. Stupid. Just when I naively hoped it'd get better. My 10-year-old brother that attempted to CTB failed and he hasn't been doing better. We have such an incredibly large age gap between us and it's hard for us to connect. But even then, it's so fucking hard to look at him without being reminded of my own attempts. Why am I being so selfish? Maybe it's because he's 10 and already experiencing the cruel world I had already seen and lived. Something inside me doesn't want him to live, because I'm going to leave soon, and I don't want him to be alone. But I also want him to live longer than me. Because there's no way I can survive on this goddamn-lie-ridden-hope-crushing-soul-shattering world.

I left for a few months stupidly hoping that everything would be alright for him and myself and I could maybe, just maybe, learn to tolerate this world for him. But I was stupid. I was so, so, so very naive. She fucking, she threatened to slit her own wrists in front of me and my little brother. She crushed any hope I had about humanity, and I'm so tired, of forcing myself to stand, and walk, and protect my little brother. I just want to go, even though I don't want to leave him. I can't decide. I can't.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

Stupid. Stupid. Just when I naively hoped it'd get better. My 10-year-old brother that attempted to CTB failed and he hasn't been doing better. We have such an incredibly large age gap between us and it's hard for us to connect. But even then, it's so fucking hard to look at him without being reminded of my own attempts. Why am I being so selfish? Maybe it's because he's 10 and already experiencing the cruel world I had already seen and lived. Something inside me doesn't want him to live, because I'm going to leave soon, and I don't want him to be alone. But I also want him to live longer than me. Because there's no way I can survive on this goddamn-lie-ridden-hope-crushing-soul-shattering world.

I left for a few months stupidly hoping that everything would be alright for him and myself and I could maybe, just maybe, learn to tolerate this world for him. But I was stupid. I was so, so, so very naive. She fucking, she threatened to slit her own wrists in front of me and my little brother. She crushed any hope I had about humanity, and I'm so tired, of forcing myself to stand, and walk, and protect my little brother. I just want to go, even though I don't want to leave him. I can't decide. I can't.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It's a different kind of pain not wanting to do it and hoping it gets better.
But then you regret not doing it when life proves it doesn't.
Then having your brother.
You still wanna protect him.
I wish I could give you the answer.
Just try to take moments to quiet the voices and take it step by step.
Good luck

 

[cosmic_traveler]

Stupid. Stupid. Just when I naively hoped it'd get better. My 10-year-old brother that attempted to CTB failed and he hasn't been doing better. We have such an incredibly large age gap between us and it's hard for us to connect. But even then, it's so fucking hard to look at him without being reminded of my own attempts. Why am I being so selfish? Maybe it's because he's 10 and already experiencing the cruel world I had already seen and lived. Something inside me doesn't want him to live, because I'm going to leave soon, and I don't want him to be alone. But I also want him to live longer than me. Because there's no way I can survive on this goddamn-lie-ridden-hope-crushing-soul-shattering world.

I left for a few months stupidly hoping that everything would be alright for him and myself and I could maybe, just maybe, learn to tolerate this world for him. But I was stupid. I was so, so, so very naive. She fucking, she threatened to slit her own wrists in front of me and my little brother. She crushed any hope I had about humanity, and I'm so tired, of forcing myself to stand, and walk, and protect my little brother. I just want to go, even though I don't want to leave him. I can't decide. I can't.

My best friend was my cousin who ctb when we were 18. If he would have told us beforehand, I would have gone with him.

I'm leaving behind 4 precious nibblings I promised we would protect. I can't even take care of myself, how could we expect to help anyone else.