I don't want to leave my son

[Jolene40]

Hi guys. I'm a 40 year old mum to a small boy. The reason I'm here is due to my never ending physical suffering due to illness. I have every autoimmune illness going, I can hardly eat, get up, function and things continue to progress without let up. This has been going on for a while but has become so unbearable the last year.
I don't want to die, I don't want to leave my son, I would give anything on earth to have my health and I would be overjoyed. But this isn't letting up and I get sicker and sicker and more isolated afraid and suffering endlessly.
I don't want to leave my poor son with a legacy of suicide. My dad killed himself when I was 12 so I know.
However I'm scared of suffering so much without death in sight that knowing I can end it will provide great relief. I came here hoping there would be painless quick methods described but it sounds like there isn't such a thing?

 

[AndyCurious]

Hi guys. I'm a 40 year old mum to a small boy. The reason I'm here is due to my never ending physical suffering due to illness. I have every autoimmune illness going, I can hardly eat, get up, function and things continue to progress without let up. This has been going on for a while but has become so unbearable the last year.
I don't want to die, I don't want to leave my son, I would give anything on earth to have my health and I would be overjoyed. But this isn't letting up and I get sicker and sicker and more isolated afraid and suffering endlessly.
I don't want to leave my poor son with a legacy of suicide. My dad killed himself when I was 12 so I know.
However I'm scared of suffering so much without death in sight that knowing I can end it will provide great relief. I came here hoping there would be painless quick methods described but it sounds like there isn't such a thing?

Hi Jolene :) Well one way to die, is to make everything ready with a rope for full suspension hanging, get yourself tipsy or drunk, just not so drunk that you forget to do it..

 

[Jolene40]

Thankyou Andy.
Is there any way anyone hete can confirm it worked quickly and didn't hurt

 

[Jolene40]

 

[AndyCurious]

Actually, I personally know it doesn't hurt, but it depends though, maybe you or another persons think it hurts...

 

[Wantingpeace]

Hello I'm so sorry for your suffering.

 

[AndyCurious]

Btw, you are more than welcome

 

[Jolene40]

Thankyou wantingpeace.

Andy hanging looks awful- from the film's anyway!
Andy sorry if you've had this convo a million times but can i ssk what went wrong and how you know it would not have progressed to a painful prolonged death if successful?
I'm terrified of being left even more incapacitated and can cope with no more physical pain in the process of trying

 

[Wantingpeace]

Apologies if you do not want suggestions but i tried some protocols for healing for my condition. My condition will not shift but i met people severely incapacited improving greatly from the things that I tried. Pm if you like but i also understand being tired of hoping and trying x

 

[AndyCurious]

Thankyou wantingpeace.

Andy hanging looks awful- from the film's anyway!
Andy sorry if you've had this convo a million times but can i ssk what went wrong and how you know it would not have progressed to a painful prolonged death if successful?
I'm terrified of being left even more incapacitated and can cope with no more physical pain in the process of trying

Maybe so Jolene, but blow your head of with a gun for example, looks more awful, but hey, we have different opinions ;-) No need to be sorry.. I pulled myself up instead of tying the rope onto something, and kicking away a chair or a stepladder.. I felt no pain, passed out really fast and would have died peacefully if I had done it the right way...

 

[Jolene40]

Yes good point! I think its the image of people choking for ages while dying that looks so awful.
I always thought overdose would be the way I'd try but it sounds liable to failure and again I'd hate to mess it up or suffer even more.
Do yo u feel more at ease Andy knowing it was like that? So you could try it again and feel better knowing it wasn't unbearable?

 

[Jolene40]

Thankyou for your suggestion wanting peace. I'm well beyond that; my conditions are multiple and unrelenting and nothing helps now.

 

[Wantingpeace]

Thankyou for your suggestion wanting peace. I'm well beyond that; my conditions are multiple and unrelenting and nothing helps now.

Ok xx

 

[AndyCurious]

Yes good point! I think its the image of people choking for ages while dying that looks so awful.
I always thought overdose would be the way I'd try but it sounds liable to failure and again I'd hate to mess it up or suffer even more.
Do yo u feel more at ease Andy knowing it was like that? So you could try it again and feel better knowing it wasn't unbearable?

For me I didn't feel choking for ages, it felt quick and nice actually... Oh yeah, I would do it in a heartbeat anytime, what's holding me back right now, is my daughter, but who knows, one day I may hang myself the right way, with pleasure and in peace...

 

[Jolene40]

I feel your pain having a child to think about in all this.
I've spoken to counsellors to try and get them to assure me the impact would be ok and my son would understand. But I'm continually reminded that it's the worst way to lose your parent. I wish there could be a way of making it look like natural death.
I've tried begging to the walls and thin air that I die in my sleep but that ain't workin!

 

[Wantingpeace]

I feel your pain having a child to think about in all this.
I've spoken to counsellors to try and get them to assure me the impact would be ok and my son would understand. But I'm continually reminded that it's the worst way to lose your parent. I wish there could be a way of making it look like natural death.
I've tried begging to the walls and thin air that I die in my sleep but that ain't workin!

Is difficult because those counsellors are not in your shoes

 

[AndyCurious]

I feel your pain having a child to think about in all this.
I've spoken to counsellors to try and get them to assure me the impact would be ok and my son would understand. But I'm continually reminded that it's the worst way to lose your parent. I wish there could be a way of making it look like natural death.
I've tried begging to the walls and thin air that I die in my sleep but that ain't workin!

Thank you, I feel your pain too.. I think the same, but that is not easy I guess..

 

[Shay]

Thankyou wantingpeace.

Andy hanging looks awful- from the film's anyway!
Andy sorry if you've had this convo a million times but can i ssk what went wrong and how you know it would not have progressed to a painful prolonged death if successful?
I'm terrified of being left even more incapacitated and can cope with no more physical pain in the process of trying

Hanging is very difficult to do. Lots of people on this forum have Tried. There's a few threads. It's hard to let go and it's scary. It's not peaceful or easy

 

[Lra888]

Hanging is very difficult to do. Lots of people on this forum have Tried. There's a few threads. It's hard to let go and it's scary. It's not peaceful or easy

I tried partial suspension but the tie I was using broke. I did go unconscious painlessly before that though which is the reason i'm choosing that method again with better planning. It wasn't a horrible experience for me.

 

[Fucking loving it]

Messaged you

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Nembutal (pentobarbital) you die in your sleep.

 

[onewayroad]

Nembutal (pentobarbital) you die in your sleep.

Can be very difficult to obtain these days though. It would be my first choice if I had access. Second best seems to be nitrogen bag/mask for painlessness and success rate. But you need to be well enough to put the setup together and you need to be able to afford all the components, I can only just afford it myself.

If you can, don't do it at home. One of my best friends found his mother after her suicide when he was a kid and was never ok. That's going to cause permanent damage.

Leave your son a note explaining how much you are suffering and I'm sure one day he will understand your decision.

 

[Jolene40]

Thankyou one way road. I understand they use pento in the euthanasia clinic in Switzerland.
I'd never want my son to find me. I'd make certain of that.

 

[Sayo]

Hi Jolene. That's awful and I'm so sorry for both of you. I understand when you say you didn't choose to be this way and don't want to leave your son, but have to deal with the realities of your progressing illnesses.

Having access to a reliable exit and end-of-life planning seems to provide a lot of relief to the elderly and terminally ill for whom it is palliative care. Many don't even use it, just knowing they have a way out makes it easier to bear what they're going through. The Resources thread has links to recent editions of the Peaceful Pill eHandbook, which is designed for people in those situations. So it has information on a lot of different methods and discusses peacefulness, how they appear to outsiders, how easy it is to obtain, etc. as well as end-of-life planning. You might find it useful to read if you haven't already. I'm not in your situation (I'm in my mid-20s) but I have an illness that will kill me in a few decades and leave me multiply disabled beforehand (and have already been through several surgeries), and I found it useful and helpful to research my options in depth. Some chapters like the detergent chapter (which is more cautionary than anything..) can of course be skipped. But it goes through Nembutal and other methods, which are pretty quick and painless. Nembutal has pretty much every advantage except that it's expensive and has to be imported. Other methods like CO require some setting up and transportation.

Whether your son could understand depends on who your son will become as an adult, and how much you and your son's support network do to minimise the pain and sentiments like self-blame. It will definitely be painful, but your counsellors will not support your decision either way. I think you could probably understand what your son might go through best as you have also sadly lost a parent this way. Children who are able to successfully go through the stages of grieving do understand as adults that their parents were suffering immensely.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Can be very difficult to obtain these days though. It would be my first choice if I had access. Second best seems to be nitrogen bag/mask for painlessness and success rate. But you need to be well enough to put the setup together and you need to be able to afford all the components, I can only just afford it myself.

If you can, don't do it at home. One of my best friends found his mother after her suicide when he was a kid and was never ok. That's going to cause permanent damage.

Leave your son a note explaining how much you are suffering and I'm sure one day he will understand your decision.

Dozens of people have gotten it from "A" per the pph in the resources thread, no other legit source is known.

 

[Morning Angel]

Can be very difficult to obtain these days though. It would be my first choice.

It's not hard to get N, you just need to know the logistics.

 

[onewayroad]

Dozens of people have gotten it from "A" per the pph in the resources thread, no other legit source is known.

It's not hard to get N, you just need to know the logistics.

Maybe I was wrong to say it's very difficult, but I think it can be hard depending on your situation. For one thing I wouldn't be able to afford it right now. The cost of everything in my nitrogen setup is less than $300 and I think as a method it's on par with N. But there are always pros and cons...

 

[Morning Angel]

Maybe I was wrong to say it's very difficult, but I think it can be hard depending on your situation. For one thing I wouldn't be able to afford it right now. The cost of everything in my nitrogen setup is less than $300 and I think as a method it's on par with N. But there are always pros and cons...

I hear you. I wouldn't do nitrogen because I think somehow I would mess it up.

 

[Hanger]

It´s sad what you are going through. But there are 2 points you should think about: it´s hard for your son, if you will die, but he will get over it, life goes on for him, the younger he is, the easier it would be for him, to "forget" about you and your death. He will never forget you completely, but the more time is over, the less he will think about it.
If you are staying alive, he will see you suffering, you can´t hide your feelings 100%, especially not from such close realtives like your own children. He will feel that you are not ok and also suffer from it. So the hard question is what would be better for him and you?

 

[Jolene40]

Thankyou all for your replies. I'm going to look this N up. Like many of you the fear is ballsing it up, ending up a complete vegetable and stuck in that state and agonising pain. The world needs to wake up. I do not understand why suicide is so taboo and why those suffering in any form cannot be allowed or supported in dying! I understand the vulnerable need to be protected but on a case by case basis why on earth is there such insistence on suffering.
Sayo your thread is super helpful.
As an adult I fully understand my father's pain and am the only one in the family who does not think it selfish. I understand his suffering now. But the impact it has had on me- wuyhout me even realising it - has been undeniable.
I think I just want someone to say it's ok and let me off the hook but I know no one can ever tell me my son will not suffer. I just need to decide whether it's worse he watches a disgusting progressive decline where he loses me entirely even though I'm still here or whether suicide would be better to spare that part at least
One counsellor said your son would prefer to have you even as a vegetable in a room whom he never sees much to you being dead. When she said that I cried so much as I believe that to be true. I fear I'm not strong enough though to endure such suffering with no end in sight.