whotookmylexapro
Member
- Jan 19, 2024
- 74
OCD is literally killing me. It has it's ups and downs, but i feel like the downs just keep gettinf worse and worse. Like if you were to graph my peak happiness and worsening symptoms, it would be trending downwards exponentially.
They say it gets better but I am constantly having to just accept worse and worse thoughts, worse and worse compulsions, and worse and worse irritability. If I were to compare my compulsions and ability to accept intrusive thoughts today from 1 year ago, it is exceptionally worse.
I keep trying to do CBT and ERP, but it is so fucking hard. I can't be mindful. My OCD is very complicated and it is exhausting having to explain it every time but basically is a culmination of sexual, physical abuse, and religious intrusive thoughts. My complusions are both mental and physical. These intrusive thoughts make me feel pathetic and so so so so disgusted with myself. I feel like i am no longer attached to my identity. Depersonalization is my only coping method at this point for any sense of peace. Any time I recognize my own existence, look in the mirror, or try to exhibit parts of my intrinsic personality, I immediately get these intrusive thoughts. My compulsions consist of trying to redo various actions without thinking these intrusive thoughts, or trying to let the thoughts play out but disprove them wrong. There is also a tick/hitting myself aspect whenever i get frustrated. I have caused many bruises on myself from hitting myself repeatedly for hours.
But on the topic of ERP, it is just too much too handle. Every time i try to confront the thought and let myself exist with it, I freeze up. My heart rate spikes. I become nauseous. I started crying or hitting myself out of anger and frustration. I just can't accept these stupid thoughts. I don't want to be MYSELF whilst having these thoughts, it is unacceptable and unbearable.
I have tried so many medications:
Fluoxetine (Prozac)
Fluvoxamine (Luvox)
Duloxetine (Cymbalta)
Paroxetine (Paxil)
Sertraline (Zoloft)
Buspirone (BusPar)
Citalopram (Celexa)
Clomipramine (Anafranil)
Lumateperone (Caplyta)
Lurasidone (Latuda)
Brexpiprazole (Rexulti)
Cariprazine (Vraylar)
Ketamine hydrochloride (Ketalar)
Vortioxetine (Trintellix) - currently taking
I also started taking NAC recently because I saw reports that it might help with OCD. It has been almost a week and my OCD has only worsened to the point of bringing me back to suicidal ideation. They say it gets worse before it gets better but i dont know how much longer to wait and love like this
The only thing that has mildly helped me is ketamine. My psychiatrist has given me ketamine injections as an alternative to Spravato since it is not covered by my insurance. My first 6 sessions helped tremendously, so much so that I temporarily stopped my medication. Unfortunately i didnt realize that the new neuroplasticity eventually wears off, and it sent me into a spiral when i stopped taking my meds. Now i can only get maintenance doses. My last one was in December and the benefits sadly didnt last long.
I have also tried TMS. It didn't work.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to die. I have so much to live for. But with the way this OCD is going and only ever worsening, it is going to take away any prospects of success and happiness in life. Ive been passively suicidal for the last 2 years and i wisgmh i wasnt.
Sometimes i go outside and get a nice breath of fresh air, for 5 seconds i feel okay. But then my intrusive thoughts like always, ruins a happy or peaceful moment for me. It's not fair. Why cabg i be happy without these thoughts?
They say it gets better but I am constantly having to just accept worse and worse thoughts, worse and worse compulsions, and worse and worse irritability. If I were to compare my compulsions and ability to accept intrusive thoughts today from 1 year ago, it is exceptionally worse.
I keep trying to do CBT and ERP, but it is so fucking hard. I can't be mindful. My OCD is very complicated and it is exhausting having to explain it every time but basically is a culmination of sexual, physical abuse, and religious intrusive thoughts. My complusions are both mental and physical. These intrusive thoughts make me feel pathetic and so so so so disgusted with myself. I feel like i am no longer attached to my identity. Depersonalization is my only coping method at this point for any sense of peace. Any time I recognize my own existence, look in the mirror, or try to exhibit parts of my intrinsic personality, I immediately get these intrusive thoughts. My compulsions consist of trying to redo various actions without thinking these intrusive thoughts, or trying to let the thoughts play out but disprove them wrong. There is also a tick/hitting myself aspect whenever i get frustrated. I have caused many bruises on myself from hitting myself repeatedly for hours.
But on the topic of ERP, it is just too much too handle. Every time i try to confront the thought and let myself exist with it, I freeze up. My heart rate spikes. I become nauseous. I started crying or hitting myself out of anger and frustration. I just can't accept these stupid thoughts. I don't want to be MYSELF whilst having these thoughts, it is unacceptable and unbearable.
I have tried so many medications:
Fluoxetine (Prozac)
Fluvoxamine (Luvox)
Duloxetine (Cymbalta)
Paroxetine (Paxil)
Sertraline (Zoloft)
Buspirone (BusPar)
Citalopram (Celexa)
Clomipramine (Anafranil)
Lumateperone (Caplyta)
Lurasidone (Latuda)
Brexpiprazole (Rexulti)
Cariprazine (Vraylar)
Ketamine hydrochloride (Ketalar)
Vortioxetine (Trintellix) - currently taking
I also started taking NAC recently because I saw reports that it might help with OCD. It has been almost a week and my OCD has only worsened to the point of bringing me back to suicidal ideation. They say it gets worse before it gets better but i dont know how much longer to wait and love like this
The only thing that has mildly helped me is ketamine. My psychiatrist has given me ketamine injections as an alternative to Spravato since it is not covered by my insurance. My first 6 sessions helped tremendously, so much so that I temporarily stopped my medication. Unfortunately i didnt realize that the new neuroplasticity eventually wears off, and it sent me into a spiral when i stopped taking my meds. Now i can only get maintenance doses. My last one was in December and the benefits sadly didnt last long.
I have also tried TMS. It didn't work.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to die. I have so much to live for. But with the way this OCD is going and only ever worsening, it is going to take away any prospects of success and happiness in life. Ive been passively suicidal for the last 2 years and i wisgmh i wasnt.
Sometimes i go outside and get a nice breath of fresh air, for 5 seconds i feel okay. But then my intrusive thoughts like always, ruins a happy or peaceful moment for me. It's not fair. Why cabg i be happy without these thoughts?
