I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live

[Yume Nikki]

I'm in the process of recovery through the IOP, so I am still trying to find some meaning or purpose. Don't get me wrong, I am very much still suicidal, but I want to at least try to change things around before I ctb. Maybe I was too hooked on my ex to care about anything. Or that I haven't found a reason to keep living for.

My ex gave me purpose because we shared alot of deep, heartfelt memories that couldn't be replaced, and then after his sudden discard of me, everything seemed meaningless. as if all the rainbows and bright colors I saw in my world just suddenly went black and white, and then I had to keep reminding myself that he was abusive, (and that some abusers never face the reality of their own choices, they just move on as if they never hurt you)

I'm still in that dark place, but I don't know if I will be able to crawl out of it, depending on how much effort I put into the IOP program.

 

[cassie]

i hear you.. losing someone who gave your life meaning, especially when they also caused you pain, is incredibly hard. it makes sense that everything feels empty right now. the fact that youre in IOP and even considering change says a lot. healing takes time - and its okay if it doesnt feel like progress just yet - trying can be enough for now. i hope, in time, you will find something that makes staying feel a little more worthwhile. im sure youre not alone in this.

 

[Yume Nikki]

i hear you.. losing someone who gave your life meaning, especially when they also caused you pain, is incredibly hard. it makes sense that everything feels empty right now. the fact that youre in IOP and even considering change says a lot. healing takes time - and its okay if it doesnt feel like progress just yet - trying can be enough for now. i hope, in time, you will find something that makes staying feel a little more worthwhile. im sure youre not alone in this.

thank you for your comment. finding my place in this world right now just seems so difficult, especially when losing a bond with someone who you thought loved you at one point. its like a sudden betrayal you never get to prepare for before it happens. like a calm before the storm.

i just wanted to feel loved and embraced by someone. which is why i stayed with him for so long ignoring all of the toxic behavior in hopes of rebuilding a new life. that new life he promised never happened, and now i'm paying the price for letting love cloud my own judgement. choosing my heart instead of what my brain was telling me.

but i don't want to be stuck here in limbo forever. at some point i want to move on, even if it takes effort. my goal is to go through the iop program and set smaller goals for myself such as doing minimal tasks around the house... going outside more etc. while they aren't huge achievements, it's better than sleeping in bed all day. i appreciate that trying can be a feat in itself.

 

[bun]

Hi Yume, i hope that you find your peace and heal from the trauma your ex has caused you, it is okay to let yourself grieve the relationship . i hope that you overcome this and find yourself again .. i have so much empathy for you, and truly do believe in my heart for you to get better . i know that you did absolutely everything you could to save your relationship, and with time you will learn to let go, whatever you find your peace in yume i hope that you can peruse it with all of your heart if you find your reason to stay, or not to, you will be the one making the decisions!! and not someone else that has you strung along by a thread you deserve the best ♡