Story I Don't Want To Die, But I Can't Live Without Her

[ctbUniquectb]

I don't need your unfunny commentary ...

Spoiler: unfunny?

 

[Ximon]

Im sorry. I can understand you, I know the feeling.
Having her by my side have me hope and strength to try to overcome my many problems, now she's gone I feel just hopeless and tired.

I'm really disappointed by people judging you and your pain, didn't expect to find that on this site.

I wish you find the strength to keep fighting or to go in peace.

<3

 

[Mm80]

Im sorry. I can understand you, I know the feeling.
Having her by my side have me hope and strength to try to overcome my many problems, now she's gone I feel just hopeless and tired.

I'm really disappointed by people judging you and your pain, didn't expect to find that on this site.

I wish you find the strength to keep fighting or to go in peace.

<3

I agree with this I think that the op has had a bit of a tough time on here about a pretty innocent and respectful post. But I think it's tough love and well meant. The op sounds like a romantic. There's Nothing wrong with that. Everyone has their own reasons to ctb and it sounds like the op has given it some thought and knows his mind. The only people I'd encourage not to ctb would be someone who seemed impulsive and irrational and hadnt thought it through. I don't think that's the case here.
Thanks.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I think it's tough love and well meant.

Almost verbatim what I wanted to say about my posts to OP, but didn't want it to be read for "still" turning the screws on him.

I was being sincere when I said I hope OP feels better.

 

[Mm80]

Almost verbatim what I wanted to say about my posts to OP, but didn't want it to be read for "still" turning the screws on him.

I was being sincere when I said I hope OP feels better.

I believe you was being sincere and felt you were frustrated and trying to get your point across, while coming from a place of care. Hopefully op will see this and consider your points.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I believe you was being sincere and felt you were frustrated and trying to get your point across, while coming from a place of care. Hopefully op will see this and consider your points.

Thanks. That was kind of you to say. :-)

 

[sadgirl2002]

Every child had that one movie growing up. You know the one. Whether it be Moana or Shrek, they had it on repeat non-stop. Mine was The Princess Bride. Did this mold me as a person? Did you feel your childhood movie shaped you?

All I ever wanted was to be in love. It's all I can ever remember. Yet it has escaped me time and time again. 4 years ago, I believe I've finally found that love. Why? Because I've finally found someone worth dying for. Sounds cliche I know, but that is how I feel.

20 years of unrequited love; 10 years of suicidal thoughts. That is my story. And now I am finally at peace with it coming to an end. I hope I don't come across as bitter, because I wish Her nothing but happiness. She will end my suffering, one way or another, and for that I am truly thankful.

I don't want to die, but I can't live without Her.

So let this be a "megathread" of sorts about my story. I have been cursed with a good memory so I can relive all my wonderful rejections in painful detail and share them all with you. Feel free to ask any questions, share your childhood movie, or try to convince me that Romeo & Juliet were not actually in love (they totally were).

I completely understand your situation, I'm going through a similar thing. The worst type is unrequited love. I am a romantic myself, a hopeless one. I know my childhood movie shaped me and all the movies I saw during my childhood and teen years.

I always believed that my only purpose in life was to have eternal and faithful love in marriage. That was my only goal in high school, it still is.

That's all I've ever wanted as well, to have that love. I've never truly wanted anything else. It's nice that you've found someone who means so much to you, that you'd die for her. I don't know what situation you're in but I can only hope it gets better. I have a true love in my life whom I'd do anything for as well but sadly, he wanted to be alone for now in life. I have hope he will come back one day. I will only live if he comes back.

I backed out of suicide for his sake over a year ago, everything that happened throughout my life pushed me to the edge but when he appeared, he's the only reason I decided to stay. I couldn't leave him here all alone... I couldn't die with the thought of him possibly coming back after I was gone. So... I stayed and I'm still here, enduring each day, the pain and suffering, in the hope of his return.

If he comes back and tells me he has found someone else (which is very unlikely) or if he doesn't come back at all within a few years (also unlikely), I'm ready to end my life. In no way is he responsible for my future possible death, he is the reason I decided to stay.

I felt such an immense happiness when I was speaking with him, he is my soulmate. We're exactly the same and I only want him to be happy which is why I stayed alive for him, so I could give him the one thing that will make him happy. I know he will end my suffering. At least if he comes back, I will accept everything that has happened in my life, I will accept that it was for us to find each other.

I want to die, I really do. I've suffered for 20 years, constantly, but I can't live without him.

@theguineapigking:
I don't have any numbers, but it is to my understanding that high divorce rates is synonymous with western culture (someone please correct me if I'm wrong). I take marriage very seriously and would do everything in my power to make it work before I would even consider divorce.

I agree, I don't know why but I always thought that the USA had the highest divorce rate. I must've heard it or read it somewhere, I don't think it's correct but I know it's one of the countries with the highest divorce rate. The western countries are, in my opinion. That's good of you, I feel like people are quick to divorce nowadays instead of actually working out their problems.

@GoodPersonEffed:
I want love. What does that mean in practical terms for me? Simply to be a good husband and father. That is all I ask for in life. She holds no responsibility in my death; only I do for failing myself. There is no sense of urgency in my death, but my days are numbered where I will be able to succeed in any meaningful way. I chose the life I want and I chose to end it.

I know how you feel. I want love, I only want that. I will be the happiest girl in the world if he comes back. I only need him. I've been daydreaming about true love and marriage since I was 13, to be a devoted wife and loving mother. I understand, I know he's not responsible for my possible future death either. I could've stopped him from leaving but I was too late, it was my fault anyways.

@itsmeagain
I think saying I want to die because she doesn't love me is too simplistic. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously my feelings are more complicated than that. I was at my best for her and I feel like it still wasn't good enough. I built up so many walls over the years but with Her, I left myself completely vulnerable. I overcame so many personal hurdles because of Her. I am in a "good" place right now--therapy, meds, diet, exercise, etc--but life just feels so empty without her. I want to die because life has become completely void of purpose. I have achieved nearly everything I want in life except for being with Her. So I am "done" with life.

It hurts so much when the one you love doesn't feel the same way. I sacrificed so much and went through a lot after he left. I even tried to get better and I pushed myself to get a job for his sake. I always had the strong belief that I will only love one person and marry that one person. It's difficult to keep holding on but at least, I'm trying. My life is meaningless and empty without him. I'd do anything for him to come back.

@Final Escape
It's not really the past when I still see her. There is still hope. I tend to get strung along and then kept at arm's length. Hope is a funny thing. It makes one grasp onto life despite all odds.

I'm glad you still have a bit of hope left. You're right about that. Thankfully, he didn't reject me fully by saying "no" but instead, said he isn't ready and he needs to be alone for now. So... there's still hope for me.

@PhilosOfDoom
Unfortunately I can't give too much detail because 1, the circumstances are oddly specific and I don't want to reveal my identity and B, I doubt you will even believe half of it. I feel like I should give a different perspective though, because people seem to be hating on love as a reason to CTB. I was suicidal before I met Her. Trust me when I say there's probably a dozen "worse" reasons I should CTB, but I shrugged them off and got better. She makes me want to live. No other person has made me feel this way. So despite being in a better place, and having other reasons to suicide, being without Her is the one thing I place importance on.

I don't understand it, people are fine with others ending their lives because of being bullied, abused and hated by other people even though in a way, the death is still dependant on another individual. Yet, when it comes to love, people think it's "not a good enough reason" to ctb. It's hypocrisy, there's no right or wrong reason to kill yourself. Everyone is different and we have our reasons. Also, as others kept telling you to find someone else or to "put yourself out there", I wouldn't recommend that if you're feeling this way. It's not a solution and it's ridiculous. I know I would never do that myself. I can't say to find someone else or to keep holding onto the hope but all I can say is that you have to do what feels right for you.

I'm the same, I was suicidal before meeting him too, since I was a child. I've been through so much and yet... I shrugged it off because all I want is to be with him, so he can be happy. He makes me want to live even though I've never wanted to. He's the only one who made me feel like this as well. I know how you feel, I do. He's my only motivation and reason to keep going. I hope she comes back to you.

 

[Mm80]

I think 218x is spot on and it's both heart breaking and almost beautiful in a bittersweet way, to read. It's reassuring to know that there are still romantics here x

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hey, this sounds very much like complex grief. You can grieve a dead or an alive person but it becomes complex when it has been longer that six months and becomes worst rather than better. It feels like you can't live on without the person which in my case is my bestfriend/ father figure.

 

[foreverbroken28]

Every child had that one movie growing up. You know the one. Whether it be Moana or Shrek, they had it on repeat non-stop. Mine was The Princess Bride. Did this mold me as a person? Did you feel your childhood movie shaped you?

All I ever wanted was to be in love. It's all I can ever remember. Yet it has escaped me time and time again. 4 years ago, I believe I've finally found that love. Why? Because I've finally found someone worth dying for. Sounds cliche I know, but that is how I feel.

20 years of unrequited love; 10 years of suicidal thoughts. That is my story. And now I am finally at peace with it coming to an end. I hope I don't come across as bitter, because I wish Her nothing but happiness. She will end my suffering, one way or another, and for that I am truly thankful.

I don't want to die, but I can't live without Her.

So let this be a "megathread" of sorts about my story. I have been cursed with a good memory so I can relive all my wonderful rejections in painful detail and share them all with you. Feel free to ask any questions, share your childhood movie, or try to convince me that Romeo & Juliet were not actually in love (they totally were).

Some people ctb over money. Some ctb over pets. Some people ctb due to boredom. Everyone has their reasons.

I'm not going to judge your feelings because everyone has their reasons and my opinion on the matter is irrelevant. But I can relate as someone with bpd...Sometimes thoughts about certain people are so intrusive.

I only hope you can recover, (if what you want is happiness and love) -- before you make any final decisions....Sometimes, our feelings change and we find other people...♡

 

[Mm80]

Hey, this sounds very much like complex grief. You can grieve a dead or an alive person but it becomes complex when it has been longer that six months and becomes worst rather than better. It feels like you can't live on without the person which in my case is my bestfriend/ father figure.

I'm very interested in this as I feel I have experienced this grief as I believe my grief has got worse over time where most people feel better. Us this week I was diagnosed with autism and I have noticed your username suggests you may be autistic. So could there be a link between complex grief and autism?

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I'm very interested in this as I feel I have experienced this grief as I believe my grief has got worse over time where most people feel better. Us this week I was diagnosed with autism and I have noticed your username suggests you may be autistic. So could there be a link between complex grief and autism?

Oof just diagnosed, wom wom

Diagnosed a decade ago, here for you as needed.

Scientific wild ass guess at correlation, but not causation: intrusive/obsessive thoughts

 

[Mm80]

Oof just diagnosed, wom wom

Diagnosed a decade ago, here for you as needed.

Scientific wild ass guess at correlation, but not causation: intrusive/obsessive thoughts

Many thanks. The more I am looking into it, it doesn't seem to matter if you are an autistic adult in the UK and fairly high functioning.
Very little support, a lot more for kids and teens and most mental health professionals simply don't know what it is and haven't been trained, including psychiatrists who are medicine biased.
My theory is that antidepressants mask my autism so I'm gonna stop taking them gradually, ask for help in my natural unmedicated state, and if nothing changes ctb and accept that the world isn't made for autistic people. Hopefully the next generation will be more accepted.
Thanks again, i thought could notice and relate to autism in yourself as I have seen your posts and could see that you care but tell it exactly how you see it and avoid the social niceties lol problem we have Is that we can be misunderstood as blunt and uncaring, when imo we are sensitive caring souls really. Would love your opinion on this BTW.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Many thanks. The more I am looking into it, it doesn't seem to matter if you are an autistic adult in the UK and fairly high functioning. Very little support, a lot more for kids and teens and most mental health professionals simply don't know what it is and haven't been trained, including psychiatrists who are medicine biased.

• same stateside

My theory is that antidepressants mask my autism

• similar experience

so I'm gonna stop taking them gradually, ask for help in my natural unmedicated state

• would not, but your choice

and if nothing changes ctb and accept that the world isn't made for autistic people.

• well put

Hopefully the next generation will be more accepted.

• yes

Thanks again

• happy to help

thought could notice and relate to autism in yourself as I have seen your posts and could see that you care but tell it exactly how you see it and avoid the social niceties lol

• I place nice IRL but call out the monsters/bullshit here because I'm blasting myself Saturday ayylmao

problem we have Is that we can be misunderstood as blunt and uncaring, when imo we are sensitive caring souls really. Would love your opinion on this BTW.

• eh I don't worry about that, just that i got cheated genetically and AUTISMUS UNTER ALLES!

 

[Mm80]

Many thanks. The more I am looking into it, it doesn't seem to matter if you are an autistic adult in the UK and fairly high functioning. Very little support, a lot more for kids and teens and most mental health professionals simply don't know what it is and haven't been trained, including psychiatrists who are medicine biased.

• same stateside

My theory is that antidepressants mask my autism

• similar experience

so I'm gonna stop taking them gradually, ask for help in my natural unmedicated state

• would not, but your choice

and if nothing changes ctb and accept that the world isn't made for autistic people.

• well put

Hopefully the next generation will be more accepted.

• yes

Thanks again

• happy to help

thought could notice and relate to autism in yourself as I have seen your posts and could see that you care but tell it exactly how you see it and avoid the social niceties lol

• I place nice IRL but call out the monsters/bullshit here because I'm blasting myself Saturday ayylmao

problem we have Is that we can be misunderstood as blunt and uncaring, when imo we are sensitive caring souls really. Would love your opinion on this BTW.

• eh I don't worry about that, just that i got cheated genetically and AUTISMUS UNTER ALLES!

thank you for the validation. That's enough sometimes. I hope you don't ctb sat but would understand.
I'm sorry to anyone who disagrees but it's bullshit that autism is a gift, and just a difference in seeing the way you see the world. It's a fundamental deficit in what humans need, social interaction and belonging. Without that why would anyone logically keep trying to be part of it?

 

[ctbUniquectb]

thank you for the validation.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry to anyone who disagrees

Don't be. They're fucking morons Cough jean4 and overtherainbeaux

but it's bullshit that autism is a gift, and just a difference in seeing the way you see the world. It's a fundamental deficit in what humans need, social interaction and belonging.

this

Without that why would anyone logically keep trying to be part of it?

Autismus unter alles. no really I'm going to yell it as I squeeze the trigger

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I'm very interested in this as I feel I have experienced this grief as I believe my grief has got worse over time where most people feel better. Us this week I was diagnosed with autism and I have noticed your username suggests you may be autistic. So could there be a link between complex grief and autism?

Could well be possible that the two are linked. Autistic people can either become obsessed with people or the person could be like a carer to them and so in both ways they are reliant on the person. For it to suddenly disappear and change (which for some autistic people change is very hard) is devastating.

Many thanks. The more I am looking into it, it doesn't seem to matter if you are an autistic adult in the UK and fairly high functioning.
Very little support, a lot more for kids and teens and most mental health professionals simply don't know what it is and haven't been trained, including psychiatrists who are medicine biased.
My theory is that antidepressants mask my autism so I'm gonna stop taking them gradually, ask for help in my natural unmedicated state, and if nothing changes ctb and accept that the world isn't made for autistic people. Hopefully the next generation will be more accepted.
Thanks again, i thought could notice and relate to autism in yourself as I have seen your posts and could see that you care but tell it exactly how you see it and avoid the social niceties lol problem we have Is that we can be misunderstood as blunt and uncaring, when imo we are sensitive caring souls really. Would love your opinion on this BTW.

There is quite a bit of support for autistic adults. If you are under 25 you should apply for a EHCP and PIP. If you are under or over 25 you should get a social worker and PIP (you would be put on a list first) and then they would find the best support for you. It is true anti depressants suppress autism traits. They certainly did for me and made me more happy. Also there is no such thing as high functioning autism. Autism is just autism, no one's more autistic than the other. Lol sorry if that sounded like a lecture, I'm just an autism advocate at the place I'm supported at so I need to know things lol.

 

[Mm80]

Could well be possible that the two are linked. Autistic people can either become obsessed with people or the person could be like a carer to them and so in both ways they are reliant on the person. For it to suddenly disappear and change (which for some autistic people change is very hard) is devastating.

There is quite a bit of support for autistic adults. If you are under 25 you should apply for a EHCP and PIP. If you are under or over 25 you should get a social worker and PIP (you would be put on a list first) and then they would find the best support for you. It is true anti depressants suppress autism traits. They certainly did for me and made me more happy. Also there is no such thing as high functioning autism. Autism is just autism, no one's more autistic than the other. Lol sorry if that sounded like a lecture, I'm just an autism advocate at the place I'm supported at so I need to know things lol.

No. Thank you im newly diagnosed and thankful for any imput from people who have more experience.
Long story short, i believe my autism really started presenting issues in adolescence, and caused quite severe depression. For the next 20 years i was treated on and off with ssris and snris, which did mask my autism and helped me to function better.it wasnt until recently that friends and colleagues who had links with autism saw it in me.
My dilemma now is do i taper off the meds and try to embrace my natural glory of autism? lol. Try to adress some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms ive picked up over the years ie abusing alcohol. Or do i carry on with the meds and almost put a bit of a plaster over my autism. Probably a personal choice but opinions welcome.
I get what you mean about the high functioning /aspergers label.i was diagnised with simply asd and it was explained that aspergers labels actually discounted your autism as its assumed you are doing better than others on the spectrum, therefore needing less support (is this right?) The only issue i have is that im not sure society sees it like that yet. If you can hold down a job and meet responsibilities and function in society, you are seen as doing ok and the notion that you are autistic is almost a foreign concept to others, and they think that your either bullshitting or have been wrongly diagnised lol.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

No. Thank you im newly diagnosed and thankful for any imput from people who have more experience.
Long story short, i believe my autism really started presenting issues in adolescence, and caused quite severe depression. For the next 20 years i was treated on and off with ssris and snris, which did mask my autism and helped me to function better.it wasnt until recently that friends and colleagues who had links with autism saw it in me.
My dilemma now is do i taper off the meds and try to embrace my natural glory of autism? lol. Try to adress some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms ive picked up over the years ie abusing alcohol. Or do i carry on with the meds and almost put a bit of a plaster over my autism. Probably a personal choice but opinions welcome.
I get what you mean about the high functioning /aspergers label.i was diagnised with simply asd and it was explained that aspergers labels actually discounted your autism as its assumed you are doing better than others on the spectrum, therefore needing less support (is this right?) The only issue i have is that im not sure society sees it like that yet. If you can hold down a job and meet responsibilities and function in society, you are seen as doing ok and the notion that you are autistic is almost a foreign concept to others, and they think that your either bullshitting or have been wrongly diagnised lol.

You could try a therapist who specialises in autism and mental health if you want to help some of your coping strategies like drinking. That's society's misconception of autism. Just because I semi verbal doesn't mean I can go into a shop and buy myself an item (which I have never done as shops are hell)
A lot more awareness and acceptance of autism is needed. Aspergers was taken out of the DSM 5 and they just diognose ASD. I was diagnosed in 2010 at the age of 9. (I am now 19)
It's difficult coming off your meds or not. It will depend what will happen to your brain I.e intrusive thoughts or whatever as an example.

 

[lookingforlove]

@218x
It's almost eerie the parallels between both our stories. I don't know if getting a "no" is better or worse than not getting an answer at all. I grew up religious and unanswered prayers felt just as bad if not worse than getting "no". It makes you pray harder and more often, becoming desperate for an answer of any kind. Your mind starts racing with all kinds of what ifs and worst case scenarios. Not only do you start questioning the thing you prayed for, but literally everything else. I think at least with a "no" there's a certain peace in getting closure.

@foreverbroken28
Thank you for your kind words.

@Sad_Autistic_boy_101
Growing up, mental health issues just weren't talked about by anyone I knew, even doctors. When I tried talking about how I felt without knowing proper terminology, people just brushed it off. I would like to say that you being 19, are more fortunate in that mental health is more accepted and talked about. But I mean, it still sucks to have it. Can I ask your opinion on what you think autism's effects on romantic relationships are?

 

[sadgirl2002]

@218x
It's almost eerie the parallels between both our stories. I don't know if getting a "no" is better or worse than not getting an answer at all. I grew up religious and unanswered prayers felt just as bad if not worse than getting "no". It makes you pray harder and more often, becoming desperate for an answer of any kind. Your mind starts racing with all kinds of what ifs and worst case scenarios. Not only do you start questioning the thing you prayed for, but literally everything else. I think at least with a "no" there's a certain peace in getting closure.

I'm not sure either. In a way, I think a "no" would've made me feel like I had closure and I would've just ended my life back then. I understand, I grew up with religion in my teen years as well, I know the pain of unanswered prayers. Sadly, I didn't get anything I asked for but at least, I found him after all those years of longing, even though he came too late. I still hope I will be able to have him in my life, at least that's only one prayer answered. I remember waking up at 3am every morning for more than a month, sometimes earlier, constantly praying for his return and asking for him to be forgiven, blessed, loved, for him to be happy and so much more. I've never sacrificed my sleep to pray in all those years of following religion but I did for him. It shows how much I wanted him to be in my life, forever. It's a terrible feeling when you don't have any answer, you're right about that.

 

[Mm80]

You could try a therapist who specialises in autism and mental health if you want to help some of your coping strategies like drinking. That's society's misconception of autism. Just because I semi verbal doesn't mean I can go into a shop and buy myself an item (which I have never done as shops are hell)
A lot more awareness and acceptance of autism is needed. Aspergers was taken out of the DSM 5 and they just diognose ASD. I was diagnosed in 2010 at the age of 9. (I am now 19)
It's difficult coming off your meds or not. It will depend what will happen to your brain I.e intrusive thoughts or whatever as an example.

Thanks for this.
Yes there seems to be misconceptions alright. The biggest one for me was that i was arrogant because i didnt manage small talk or take part socially. Truth was i found it difficult and still do. Then the next one was that i was shifty or un trustworthy because i didnt make strong eye contact. Again i found that difficult and im actually loyal..
Ive heard of intrusive thoughts but what are they?

 

[Ange_Fatigue]

You can t count on someone else to make you feel good. You ve got to take care of yourself by yourself.
Yes indeed dating is nice, I too love to be in love but every time you ll have to comedown, that s the way it is.
The best part in love is climbing the stairs, don t impress you too much with love.
Go and see a movie, buy yourself a motorbike. Do some meth with a hooker, or anything else which can make you scwhifty.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Thanks for this.
Yes there seems to be misconceptions alright. The biggest one for me was that i was arrogant because i didnt manage small talk or take part socially. Truth was i found it difficult and still do. Then the next one was that i was shifty or un trustworthy because i didnt make strong eye contact. Again i found that difficult and im actually loyal..
Ive heard of intrusive thoughts but what are they?

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, so they intrude your brain. For me I get a lot of intrusive thoughts, this could be getting an impulse to stick my hand in a shredder or pushing the person in front of me into the road where a car would drive over their head causing it to explode. They can be images or just thoughts. You are certainly not arrogant or untrustworthy, you are an autistic who cannot conform to society's expectations.

@Sad_Autistic_boy_101
Growing up, mental health issues just weren't talked about by anyone I knew, even doctors. When I tried talking about how I felt without knowing proper terminology, people just brushed it off. I would like to say that you being 19, are more fortunate in that mental health is more accepted and talked about. But I mean, it still sucks to have it. Can I ask your opinion on what you think autism's effects on romantic relationships are?

Autism really impacts romantic relationships. This could be due to relationships are meant to be intimate but for people like me who have sensory problems, we cannot tolerate touch so we cannot express love physically. We may not be able to understand other people's feelings and points of view. We struggle with change and so compromising is very difficult which is apparently required in a relationship. We struggle with social rules, knowing how to start and keep a conversation flowing which is going to be hard to constantly spend time with someone but not knowing what to say to them. Some Autistic people like myself struggle to say no and so we may find ourselves in situations where we are doing things that we didn't want to do but we were coerced into them. These are just a few examples.

 

[lookingforlove]

@Ange_Fatigue
We rely on other people for so many things, whether it be emotional support, physical support, financial support, etc. A common saying is that you can count on friends. So I don't think it's too much to count on a lover for happiness. Especially since, at least for me, all that requires is their presence. I don't think human beings are meant to function alone, as in evolution made us that way. You could say that it is unwise to count on just one person, i.e. put all your eggs in one basket, and I would agree. But for whatever reason, I did and trying to undo that is very difficult. Nothing makes me happy anymore. She's like a drug. I have become numb.

Since I made the OP, my emotions have become more stabalized but my thoughts remain the same. I still haven't set a date. I asked other people for timeline suggestions to no avail. What do people think is an appropriate amount of waiting time until I CTB for someone in my situation?

 

[Margimet]

Every child had that one movie growing up. You know the one. Whether it be Moana or Shrek, they had it on repeat non-stop. Mine was The Princess Bride. Did this mold me as a person? Did you feel your childhood movie shaped you?

All I ever wanted was to be in love. It's all I can ever remember. Yet it has escaped me time and time again. 4 years ago, I believe I've finally found that love. Why? Because I've finally found someone worth dying for. Sounds cliche I know, but that is how I feel.

OMG! This thread is the one I identified myself the most! I'm not going to reveal which cartoon shaped me, would laugh at me. But everything in my past, my way of seeing the world, people and love, was because of this cartoon! Lovely your username! You must be a kind person and full of love to give!

I'll read your other comments here on this thread.

 

[sadgirl2002]

@Ange_Fatigue
Especially since, at least for me, all that requires is their presence.

Wow, I've literally said this over and over again throughout my entire life. Mindblowing.

@Ange_Fatigue
What do people think is an appropriate amount of waiting time until I CTB for someone in my situation?

As someone who is also going through this, it depends on your situation. Do you think there is a possibility that she may accept you? There is the fear of her coming back after you've ended it but then again, you also don't want to wait for something that may never happen. So... it depends on where you stand with her. None of us know the full story so you should have a think about it and make the final decision.

OMG! This thread is the one I identified myself the most! I'm not going to reveal which cartoon shaped me, would laugh at me. But everything in my past, my way of seeing the world, people and love, was because of this cartoon! Lovely your username! You must be a kind person and full of love to give!

I'll read your other comments here on this thread.

I'm glad to see that there's another person in this thread who's like me and the OP!

 

[lookingforlove]

A month passed from my OP and nothing has gotten better. I have been cut off from all contact with her. I'm on 5 different dating apps. I'm trying, really I am. Everyone is too caught up in covid-19 to care about my problems. I'm annoyed that people aren't taking quarantine seriously. I am cut off from things like gym and therapy that help me cope, but you don't see me being selfish and endangering other people. Is it ironic that I care so much about the safety of other people's lives, but I don't care about the safety of mine? I don't even want to die from covid-19 because I feel like that's a cop out. I want to CTB, but I don't want to amidst this pandemic. I hope it ends soon so I can get a clearer picture of life and finally CTB.