mythofsisyphus
Member
- Jul 6, 2024
- 22
I feel so trapped. I don't even know where to begin with my story.
1 year ago my life was going amazing. I had a house with a partner, a little dog, my dream job that I've worked my whole life for.
But slowly, everything has crumbled. My partner turned cold and we broke up, I found out he slept with a friend the day after which he outrightly denied until I found evidence. He then disappeared. I believed I loved him truly, but this shattered my perception of myself, him and the world. I realised he was likely a covert narcissist and could see the emotional abuse I'd experienced throughout the relationship but that I was blind to, because I felt loved and accepted.
But okay, I pulled myself up as best as I could. I got my own place, for the first time in my life I was realising I could be happy single. I could work on my career, earn a decent salary, build a good life for myself.
But then I stopped taking antidepressants. All was going okay until what I believed was protracted withdrawal hit in January. I can't quite put into the words the mental suffering this involved... akathisia, constant unrelenting dread and terror, extreme obsessive and borderline delusional thinking, feeling like my entire body was vibrating. I had to stop working.
But okay, I found advice online and decided to reinstate the antidepressant to manage the withdrawals. Maybe things would be okay, I could get back on track and go to work. But then all hell broke loose, my skin went numb, I experienced extreme brain fog and depersonalisation/derealisation, non-stop head pressure and widespread muscle pain and muscle wastage. My skin went dry and loose. I experienced complete sexual dysfunction - erectile dysfunction, numb and shrunken genitals.
I had no idea what was happening. Until I found out I was previously taking a supplement that can cause post finasteride syndrome, which my symptoms matched exactly. I then found out antidepressants can make this syndrome worse.
So I tried stopping the antidepressants, and the unimaginable terror, akathisia etc. returned.
So I had to reinstate.
I now experience severe anhedonia and emotional blunting. I truly can't feel anything. My physical issues appear to be worsening related to the PFS.
I'm trapped in a position in which taking the antidepressants might make the post finasteride syndrome worse, but stopping them will bring back the protracted withdrawals.
Both of these conditions can be permanent in many cases, and doctors are clueless with both - anything they suggest would most likely make things significantly more worse.
I'm now living at home with my family which I never imagined myself doing ever again. I'm still off work. I don't see how I can ever return to my line of work with the cognitive dysfunction and anhedonia.
The grief of where my life was a year ago to where it is now is unimaginable. I could never have seen myself being in this place in a million years. I've experienced devastating narcissistic abuse, protracted SSRI withdrawal and post finasteride syndrome in the space of 12 months. It's too much to bare.
I feel so, so trapped. Underneath all the suffering, I love life. I found such beauty and meaning in it, such purpose and joy. But I can't experience any of it anymore. I want the suffering to stop, I want my old life back... but I can't. There's time where I accept this, and feel I need to end things. But then I realise although this will make the suffering stop, this will also make any hope of ever experiencing the good things stop as well.
I'm sorry this is a mess, I feel so trapped. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live like this.
1 year ago my life was going amazing. I had a house with a partner, a little dog, my dream job that I've worked my whole life for.
But slowly, everything has crumbled. My partner turned cold and we broke up, I found out he slept with a friend the day after which he outrightly denied until I found evidence. He then disappeared. I believed I loved him truly, but this shattered my perception of myself, him and the world. I realised he was likely a covert narcissist and could see the emotional abuse I'd experienced throughout the relationship but that I was blind to, because I felt loved and accepted.
But okay, I pulled myself up as best as I could. I got my own place, for the first time in my life I was realising I could be happy single. I could work on my career, earn a decent salary, build a good life for myself.
But then I stopped taking antidepressants. All was going okay until what I believed was protracted withdrawal hit in January. I can't quite put into the words the mental suffering this involved... akathisia, constant unrelenting dread and terror, extreme obsessive and borderline delusional thinking, feeling like my entire body was vibrating. I had to stop working.
But okay, I found advice online and decided to reinstate the antidepressant to manage the withdrawals. Maybe things would be okay, I could get back on track and go to work. But then all hell broke loose, my skin went numb, I experienced extreme brain fog and depersonalisation/derealisation, non-stop head pressure and widespread muscle pain and muscle wastage. My skin went dry and loose. I experienced complete sexual dysfunction - erectile dysfunction, numb and shrunken genitals.
I had no idea what was happening. Until I found out I was previously taking a supplement that can cause post finasteride syndrome, which my symptoms matched exactly. I then found out antidepressants can make this syndrome worse.
So I tried stopping the antidepressants, and the unimaginable terror, akathisia etc. returned.
So I had to reinstate.
I now experience severe anhedonia and emotional blunting. I truly can't feel anything. My physical issues appear to be worsening related to the PFS.
I'm trapped in a position in which taking the antidepressants might make the post finasteride syndrome worse, but stopping them will bring back the protracted withdrawals.
Both of these conditions can be permanent in many cases, and doctors are clueless with both - anything they suggest would most likely make things significantly more worse.
I'm now living at home with my family which I never imagined myself doing ever again. I'm still off work. I don't see how I can ever return to my line of work with the cognitive dysfunction and anhedonia.
The grief of where my life was a year ago to where it is now is unimaginable. I could never have seen myself being in this place in a million years. I've experienced devastating narcissistic abuse, protracted SSRI withdrawal and post finasteride syndrome in the space of 12 months. It's too much to bare.
I feel so, so trapped. Underneath all the suffering, I love life. I found such beauty and meaning in it, such purpose and joy. But I can't experience any of it anymore. I want the suffering to stop, I want my old life back... but I can't. There's time where I accept this, and feel I need to end things. But then I realise although this will make the suffering stop, this will also make any hope of ever experiencing the good things stop as well.
I'm sorry this is a mess, I feel so trapped. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live like this.
