Anxieyote
Sobriety over everything else • 30 • Midwest
- Mar 24, 2021
- 445
I just dont do anything to fix my situation. I keep my house clean, and sometimes I run errands. But aside from that I don't have the energy for anything else. People tell me to exercise, or drink water, or to read self-help books. I can do all of those things—but I would be doing them alone.
I did exercise everyday for almost a year when I broke up with my last partner, and one day I just couldn't do it anymore because the weight loss progress I was making didn't seem to matter at all. Who cares how I look? I'm not going to be in a relationship anytime soon because of my BPD (don't want to hurt anyone else, I have a hurt a lot of people by being an "emotional yo-yo" and going from caring about someone with intense passion to being indifferent towards them).
I have online friends who tell me "try this" and "try that" trying to direct me to constructive solutions, but all I can do is give them a thousand-yard stare and say, "No?" It's hard to invest in yourself when you are experiencing so much mental and emotional pain. Asking me to climb a mountain after I've fallen off it and broken both of my legs.
Right now I am supposed to be looking for a new therapist, but I think of all of the therapists I've had over the years, and how none of them offered true help. I know a lot of it has to come from me (which is what my last therapist said), but Ike I said, it's like telling a person in a wheelchair to get up and walk again. My ideal therapy needs to be a caretaker who comes and checks in on me everyday and takes me for walks and social interactions like you would with a dog. They would need to feed answers into my ear for each social interaction, like that one episode of SpongeBob where he puts the walkie-talkie under his hat to cheat on his driving test. That's the kind of help you would need to pay someone $2000 a day for.
I don't want to put any more pressure on myself to do things. I know it sounds unreasonable because that is a fundamental part of being alive,but I dont really trust myself to handle many tasks outside of simple things like "wash the dishes" and "do laundry". If it gets more complicated than that, the stress receptors in my brain start to fire off and cause more mental anguish. People ask me about when I'm going back to school, and I have to give them the thousand-yard stare again thinking about how my mental fog has reached a point where I can't even recall my own home address at the top of my head anymore. Ambitions are just going to remind me of what I can't do, which will make me sadder than I already am.
I've been asking myself if it is CTB time, knowing what I have said here. The days are blending together (as they have been for the last 4 years), and I'm doing the "being alive, but not really living" thing. At the very least, it felt somewhat cathartic to type out these thoughts here. SaSu has been my respite for sharing thoughts I cant share anywhere else, but my social anxiety is also worsening too, and I find it difficult to talk with some of the users on here who I would like to interact with even on a casual basis. My brain fog makes it hard for me to be clever or make jokes like I see a lot of people doing in main chat (would like to, but coming up with clever things to say can sometimes take me a few minutes, and even then, I might still end up with an "I've got nothing.") My mental sharpness has gone down if that makes sense; not firing on all cylinders anymore.
I did exercise everyday for almost a year when I broke up with my last partner, and one day I just couldn't do it anymore because the weight loss progress I was making didn't seem to matter at all. Who cares how I look? I'm not going to be in a relationship anytime soon because of my BPD (don't want to hurt anyone else, I have a hurt a lot of people by being an "emotional yo-yo" and going from caring about someone with intense passion to being indifferent towards them).
I have online friends who tell me "try this" and "try that" trying to direct me to constructive solutions, but all I can do is give them a thousand-yard stare and say, "No?" It's hard to invest in yourself when you are experiencing so much mental and emotional pain. Asking me to climb a mountain after I've fallen off it and broken both of my legs.
Right now I am supposed to be looking for a new therapist, but I think of all of the therapists I've had over the years, and how none of them offered true help. I know a lot of it has to come from me (which is what my last therapist said), but Ike I said, it's like telling a person in a wheelchair to get up and walk again. My ideal therapy needs to be a caretaker who comes and checks in on me everyday and takes me for walks and social interactions like you would with a dog. They would need to feed answers into my ear for each social interaction, like that one episode of SpongeBob where he puts the walkie-talkie under his hat to cheat on his driving test. That's the kind of help you would need to pay someone $2000 a day for.
I don't want to put any more pressure on myself to do things. I know it sounds unreasonable because that is a fundamental part of being alive,but I dont really trust myself to handle many tasks outside of simple things like "wash the dishes" and "do laundry". If it gets more complicated than that, the stress receptors in my brain start to fire off and cause more mental anguish. People ask me about when I'm going back to school, and I have to give them the thousand-yard stare again thinking about how my mental fog has reached a point where I can't even recall my own home address at the top of my head anymore. Ambitions are just going to remind me of what I can't do, which will make me sadder than I already am.
I've been asking myself if it is CTB time, knowing what I have said here. The days are blending together (as they have been for the last 4 years), and I'm doing the "being alive, but not really living" thing. At the very least, it felt somewhat cathartic to type out these thoughts here. SaSu has been my respite for sharing thoughts I cant share anywhere else, but my social anxiety is also worsening too, and I find it difficult to talk with some of the users on here who I would like to interact with even on a casual basis. My brain fog makes it hard for me to be clever or make jokes like I see a lot of people doing in main chat (would like to, but coming up with clever things to say can sometimes take me a few minutes, and even then, I might still end up with an "I've got nothing.") My mental sharpness has gone down if that makes sense; not firing on all cylinders anymore.
