I don’t want to but...

[Nyxx33]

I am still here. So I guess I have to force myself to leave what I was hoping would help push me to my last days on Earth or at least not be so scared of what's to come. Dug myself a hole of lies, abuse, cigarettes, and self pity. There were good times too but as I suspected I was pulled out by being around people that cared for me and reconnecting with nature. As much as it hurts to dance and go hiking and remember what made me happy and my dreams, numbing has not worked and I'm still alive. I kept thinking to myself this will be the weekend I do it. This is it. Instead I'm left having to face consequences of my actions. Maybe this time I'll make a different choice and not self destruct again.
Maybe if I just stop wanting things I'll be content at least. With spurts if happiness.
I am sick of finding comfort in misery.Dreams of comfort in death and self destruction are just an illusion. Playing pretend with someone that never cared enough to protect my heart is no longer an option. Life goes on with or without you. So I guess I'll make one last effort and hard as it is and as much as I'll miss certain things and person from last few months. I'm tired of wondering what's real or not.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Making a thread in recovery and following through is very hard. I applaud your bravery, it always makes me smile when someone tries to pick themselves back up.

It sounds like you're getting back to your roots. I hope it brings you some happiness and relief. You're fortunate to have people who care about you in your life. Never take them for granted as I have in my past.

Keep us updated on your progress. We're here for you!

 

[Nyxx33]

Thank you, Brick. I've taken people for granted too. I don't want to do that anymore. It's a matter of just breaking the cycle. I always loved the play A Christmas Carol because I love the idea that someone can change their behavior over time and learn. Worth a shot.
❤

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I just fucking cant, I can't act like I'm not the asshole you're talking about. Because I am. I love you babe and I wish nothing but the best for you!
For you babe.

 

[Nyxx33]

Nevermind Fuck recovery
Even after all you've done I still miss you even if it's so wrong
I give up
I need to just pull the plug and be done with it
I'll delete this thread soon