[This venting thread includes political ranting]
Please note that some of my takes about suicide reasoning, etc. in this thread are only applied to myself. I do not want anybody to feel pressured by the agenda I set. This is simply a venting session, and my thoughts are about me and me only.
I've been in a conflict with myself for the past couple weeks, and that is about the fact that some of my problems are obviously temporary.
I have wanted to kill myself since god knows how long ago, and my plans have only been getting more concrete as time passed by.
Today the world is down in shit, and that is all the more reason to do it.
But some inkling problems I've been having feel like they are slowly being resolved.
My country Russia has been in an invasive war against Ukraine in the recent years, and as an adequate person, I hate it. But with Trump and Putin seemingly having the same goal of ending the war, it seems like one of the problems I've been having is coming to a halt. This of course does not discard the fact that I despise both Trump and Putin and sincerely wish they were never even associated with politics; but right now it appears that what they're planning may benefit me.
I've always hated the idea of serving in a military, but a year long military service is obligatory for Russian men aged 18-30 (those who are physically healthy & mentally sane). It's both my pacifism and the hatred of the idea of having to be an obedient doggy every day and perhaps be doing some of the dumbest shit; plus I don't want to shave and lose my luscious hair due to enrolling. But right now I feel like I could just thug it out as long as there's no warzone to be deployed to.
Many of my problems are temporary, and I'm well aware of that. But it doesn't mean that I want them solved. I still lament the lack of empathy in the modern society, the progressing racism and misogyny (and overall sexism), the financial and other crises, I still hate my government and I'm still afraid of adulting. These problems are more or less permanent - unluckily in general, thankfully for me, even though that's a really fucked up thing to say.
All I want is a reason to go. If there are no reasons to go, then my reason to go will be the fact that I've been planning to go and now I can't go. I don't want to be here - but why the fuck can't I even succeed in finding a strong, valid reason!?
I am able to feel better probably. I don't want to though.
"No matter what it is, your reason to ctb is valid and you don't need to explain yourself!" That is true, but you fail to acknowledge that I have to explain it to myself. When I contemplate suicide, I never ignore that it is, by nature, selfish. Suicide means causing immense mental anguish to your loved ones in order to rid yourself of your problems - and in my case, I cannot even validate my problems and claim that they are actually so tough that I have no other choice but to kill myself.
I probably don't have depression or any adjacent mental illnesses. I do not want to self diagnose myself, but I assume that I am on the spectrum and I have something related to anxiety, maybe some form of ED as well - that's it. And to me this means that me not having a reason to kill myself but wanting to kill myself is just me being a fucking selfish dickhead. If I can't dig out from the innards of my brain a reason to leave this world, but I still desire to not be here, then I'm just a sore dumb idiot! How in the fucking world can any/no reason to kill oneself be a valid reason? That's not how reasoning works!!!!
I'm impulsive right now. If I happened to have SN in my possession at the moment, I'd probably take it. I don't though, and I was planning on living for 3+ more years to make all the amends and help my parents to retire, so I guess three more years of thugging it out are to commence.
I cannot and will not accept not having a good reason to ctb to be valid. I don't have deep childhood trauma. I am not disabled and I'm relatively in shape; my mild heart problems could likely be solved by exercising my heart better. I am academically advanced. Most importantly, I have great friends for whom I would take a bullet, and I come from a well-off family whom I love. I am kinda broke right now... That's fine I suppose. So why am I leaving? "The injustice and apathy of the world?" Like I could convince myself that that's good enough... Not that it's not true though, of course I do hate that shit indeed.
I want to feel lov- oh, I digress! That's a topic for a whole nother venting thread, maybe later, maybe never. I'm in the mood to talk my mind, but I also have to wake up in 5.5 hours and I still am not even close to falling asleep.
Thank god I am on this forum. My notes app would NOT be enough for this rant, because things like this are something that I'm too afraid to admit to myself, but I'm fine with telling them to strangers on the internet (although regarding some of you, you don't feel like strangers anymore haha, I would probably trust you with my life - not that I value it that much, but it's the most I can offer as of today).
A thousand words?! Is anybody still reading this?.. I really have to hit the sack at this point, wow
Please note that some of my takes about suicide reasoning, etc. in this thread are only applied to myself. I do not want anybody to feel pressured by the agenda I set. This is simply a venting session, and my thoughts are about me and me only.
I've been in a conflict with myself for the past couple weeks, and that is about the fact that some of my problems are obviously temporary.
I have wanted to kill myself since god knows how long ago, and my plans have only been getting more concrete as time passed by.
Today the world is down in shit, and that is all the more reason to do it.
But some inkling problems I've been having feel like they are slowly being resolved.
My country Russia has been in an invasive war against Ukraine in the recent years, and as an adequate person, I hate it. But with Trump and Putin seemingly having the same goal of ending the war, it seems like one of the problems I've been having is coming to a halt. This of course does not discard the fact that I despise both Trump and Putin and sincerely wish they were never even associated with politics; but right now it appears that what they're planning may benefit me.
I've always hated the idea of serving in a military, but a year long military service is obligatory for Russian men aged 18-30 (those who are physically healthy & mentally sane). It's both my pacifism and the hatred of the idea of having to be an obedient doggy every day and perhaps be doing some of the dumbest shit; plus I don't want to shave and lose my luscious hair due to enrolling. But right now I feel like I could just thug it out as long as there's no warzone to be deployed to.
Many of my problems are temporary, and I'm well aware of that. But it doesn't mean that I want them solved. I still lament the lack of empathy in the modern society, the progressing racism and misogyny (and overall sexism), the financial and other crises, I still hate my government and I'm still afraid of adulting. These problems are more or less permanent - unluckily in general, thankfully for me, even though that's a really fucked up thing to say.
All I want is a reason to go. If there are no reasons to go, then my reason to go will be the fact that I've been planning to go and now I can't go. I don't want to be here - but why the fuck can't I even succeed in finding a strong, valid reason!?
I am able to feel better probably. I don't want to though.
"No matter what it is, your reason to ctb is valid and you don't need to explain yourself!" That is true, but you fail to acknowledge that I have to explain it to myself. When I contemplate suicide, I never ignore that it is, by nature, selfish. Suicide means causing immense mental anguish to your loved ones in order to rid yourself of your problems - and in my case, I cannot even validate my problems and claim that they are actually so tough that I have no other choice but to kill myself.
I probably don't have depression or any adjacent mental illnesses. I do not want to self diagnose myself, but I assume that I am on the spectrum and I have something related to anxiety, maybe some form of ED as well - that's it. And to me this means that me not having a reason to kill myself but wanting to kill myself is just me being a fucking selfish dickhead. If I can't dig out from the innards of my brain a reason to leave this world, but I still desire to not be here, then I'm just a sore dumb idiot! How in the fucking world can any/no reason to kill oneself be a valid reason? That's not how reasoning works!!!!
I'm impulsive right now. If I happened to have SN in my possession at the moment, I'd probably take it. I don't though, and I was planning on living for 3+ more years to make all the amends and help my parents to retire, so I guess three more years of thugging it out are to commence.
I cannot and will not accept not having a good reason to ctb to be valid. I don't have deep childhood trauma. I am not disabled and I'm relatively in shape; my mild heart problems could likely be solved by exercising my heart better. I am academically advanced. Most importantly, I have great friends for whom I would take a bullet, and I come from a well-off family whom I love. I am kinda broke right now... That's fine I suppose. So why am I leaving? "The injustice and apathy of the world?" Like I could convince myself that that's good enough... Not that it's not true though, of course I do hate that shit indeed.
I want to feel lov- oh, I digress! That's a topic for a whole nother venting thread, maybe later, maybe never. I'm in the mood to talk my mind, but I also have to wake up in 5.5 hours and I still am not even close to falling asleep.
Thank god I am on this forum. My notes app would NOT be enough for this rant, because things like this are something that I'm too afraid to admit to myself, but I'm fine with telling them to strangers on the internet (although regarding some of you, you don't feel like strangers anymore haha, I would probably trust you with my life - not that I value it that much, but it's the most I can offer as of today).
A thousand words?! Is anybody still reading this?.. I really have to hit the sack at this point, wow
