I recently lost my partner to suicide, and I can confirm that it has destroyed me entirely. I obsess over it each day, thinking about how I could have saved him, been there for him, done anything. Even more painful is the thought of what we would be doing at this moment if things had ended differently - cooking together? Cuddling on the sofa? Walking together in the park? ... He sent me a final message (albeit a fairly short one), but left no note for his family. I can only imagine how it has affected them.
That being said, I don't know how long I will be able to continue before I ultimately CTB. Having this experience means I am now intimately aware of the emotions my family and close friends will go through, and that is the only thing that has stopped me from acting on impulse. I once thought I could wait until my mother passed before acting, but following the death of my partner I simply cannot cope.
I plan on leaving two long notes - one for my mum, the other for my two friends who have helped me during this dark time. From my experience, the unfortunate fact is that nothing can help alleviate the pain, but I hope that leaving a longer note will at least do something to get rid of the questions which I am currently grappling with over my partner.
If I ultimately change my mind, I will have to accept that my partner's choice to end his own life will haunt me forever. No amount of therapy, bereavement groups, or my latest obsession of 'spirit mediums', will help me return to how I was prior to his death. I do not say this to make people keep on living (as mentioned, I also plan to CTB soon), but it is something we should all be aware of when making our decisions.
